Risky Business

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The dream is always the same.

JOEL:
Instead of going home,

I go to the neighbors'.

I ring, but nobody answers.

The door is open, so I go inside.

I'm looking around for the people,

but nobody seems to be there.

And then

I hear the shower running...

...so I go upstairs

to see what's what.

[WATER RUNNING]

JOEL:

Then I see her.

This... girl.

This incredible girl.

I mean, what she's doing there

I don't know...

...because she doesn't live there...

...but it's a dream, so I go with it.

''Who's there?'' she says.

''Joel,'' I say.

''What are you doing here?''

''I don't know what I'm doing here.

What are you doing here?''

''I'm taking a shower,'' she says.

Then I give her:

''You want me to go?''

''No,'' she says.

''I want you to wash my back.''

So now I'm getting enthusiastic

about this dream.

So I go to her, but she's hard to find

through all the steam and stuff.

I keep losing her.

Finally, I get to the door...

...and I find myself in a room

full of kids taking their College Boards.

I'm over three hours late.

I've got two minutes

to take the whole test.

I've just made a terrible mistake.

I'll never get to college.

My life is ruined.

BARRY:

All right, here's the game:

Five-card draw with a spit.

Anaconda, high-low.

Pass two to the right,

one to the left...

Deuces, aces, one-eyed faces wild.

Guts to open.

So, what happened?

Last night?

That's right, with Kessler.

She was babysitting down the street.

We know that.

JOEL:

So I went over there.

Turns out that, uh,

she was giving the kid a bath...

...and accidentally hit

the shower thing.

-Her clothes were drying upstairs.

-That could happen.

-That's possible.

BARRY:
Tell me about it, tell me about it.

So she plops down

right on the kitchen floor...

...under Mr. Coffee...

...she looks up at me and she says:

"I think I'm in the mood."

-She said that?

-Ha, ha.

-I'm telling you.

-What did you say?

I didn't have to say anything.

What did you do?

What do you think I did?

I think you got the hell out of there,

ran home and whacked off.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Right.

-I disagree.

Did you have your bike there?

Yeah.

I think you jumped on your bike,

pedaled home and whacked off.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-That's what you guys think, right?

GLENN:
Yeah.

Ride home? With Kessler sitting there

on the floor like that, just wanting me?

Yup. Flog the bishop.

[OTHERS LAUGHING]

MILES:

No guts, Goodsen.

Yeah. Only when it came down to it,

I just wasn't attracted to her.

That should never stop you.

She seemed too big.

It could've worked out.

I figured I'd have gotten into trouble.

God. Sometimes you gotta say,

"What the f***" Make your move.

That's easy for you to say.

I mean, you're all set.

You're probably going to Harvard.

Me, I don't want to make a mistake,

jeopardize my future.

Joel, you wanna know something?

What?

Every now and then, say,

"What the f***."

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

"What the f***" gives you freedom.

Freedom brings opportunity.

Opportunity makes your future.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

GLENN:
Miles.

-Be right there.

So your folks are going out of town.

Tomorrow.

You've got the place all to yourself?

Yeah.

What the f***.

If you can't say it...

...you can't do it.

Joel, did you get your SAT scores

yesterday?

JOEL:

Yes.

Well, how did you do?

JOEL:
Five ninety-seven, Math.

Five sixty, Verbal.

If you wanted to,

could you take them over again?

JOEL:
I guess so.

-Great.

Joel, I want to show you something.

MOTHER:

Honey, did you pack my Mace?

It's in your cosmetic case.

[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC

PLAYING ON STEREO]

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