Rapture-Palooza

Now, the Book of Revelation tells us

the Rapture is the literal, physical

bodily coming of Christ in the clouds

to snatch out of this world all believers,

the dead and living

who were in Christ our Lord, amen.

Those sinners who remain on Earth

shall face torments and suffer

beyond their wildest nightmares.

Who are these people?

Well, we all know them.

Musicians, gays, gay musicians,

the entire 1997 Denver Broncos,

and all of Hollywood.

It was incredibly freaky, to me, anyway.

I always say that Ben

sort of saved the world.

He's that amazing.

Well, he says that I saved the world,

but he's probably just being nice.

It doesn't matter.

That's me, looking fairly shocked.

But honestly, not that shocked,

because the truth is,

a lot of crazy stuff had already gone down.

Wow.

Maybe I should back up a little.

See, it all started with the Rapture.

It was league night.

I hadjust gotten a strike.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, my God!

And Ben was even more excited than me.

He usually is. Which is why I love him.

Anyway...

Then, all of a sudden,

half the world was

totally gone.

The people who went to church and prayed

and missed out on

a lot of fun stuff

got sucked straight up to Heaven.

And the rest of us,

well, we were screwed.

We weren't believers,

so I guess that's why we weren't taken.

Both my mom and Ben's mom

went to church religiously.

Well, that's the only way

you can go to church.

The point is, they both got raptured.

But, in the only recorded case

of such a thing happening,

my mother was sent back the very next day.

Mom?

Laura.

- What happened?

- I don't know.

I was in Heaven.

Wait. You got sent back?

So God, like, returned you?

Well.

I guess so. Yes.

I was just in line.

And they were giving out massages.

And a guy butt in front of me.

He probably didn't butt.

He barged right in front of me,

and he said,

"I need something in the shoulder."

Were you in the right line?

I was in the right line.

Honey, you are almost never

in the right line.

Listen to me. It was unprofessional.

It was poorly organized.

You have this backwards.

You go up there to be judged.

You don't do the judging.

Mom.

I don't want to be here.

I'd hug you, but you smell like shit.

Did anybody vacuum while I was gone?

We all vacuumed.

We all vacuumed all the time.

Lots of vacuuming.

And then the torments started.

First came these little Iocusty things.

- I hate those little things.

- Suffer! Suffer!

- I am suffering, you little buttwipe!

- Suffer!

You're not going anywhere, you little f*cker!

If you're wondering,

they were impervious to most bug sprays.

Suffer!

I got an idea! How about you suffer?

Suffer!

Suffer!

This apocalypse is killing me!

Why? Why?

I don't know why, you Jesus freak!

Why don't you ask God?

Oh, yeah, I forgot! He doesn't like you!

That's my parents, you guys.

I can't stand it any longer!

Good times.

Then God, in his infinite wisdom,

did this really gross thing.

It just seemed so unsanitary, you know?

What is that? Is that...

I think it's raining blood.

Blood? It's raining blood.

That's not disgusting.

What the f*ck is the point of that?

There's no point!

- I know.

- Wipers don't work for shit.

Try the sprayer thing.

Sprayer thing.

Well, that's great. Now it's all smeared.

The wraiths showed up about a year ago.

They were like a nightmare come to life.

They went all around the world

wrecking everything, and killing people.

Holy cow!

Monsters, man.

Real monsters.

Without the costumes.

Because the costumes are real, you know.

So, a lot of people died

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