
Rapture-Palooza
(0.00 / 0 votes)Now, the Book of Revelation tells us
the Rapture is the literal, physical
bodily coming of Christ in the clouds
to snatch out of this world all believers,
the dead and living
who were in Christ our Lord, amen.
Those sinners who remain on Earth
shall face torments and suffer
beyond their wildest nightmares.
Who are these people?
Well, we all know them.
Musicians, gays, gay musicians,
the entire 1997 Denver Broncos,
and all of Hollywood.
It was incredibly freaky, to me, anyway.
I always say that Ben
sort of saved the world.
He's that amazing.
Well, he says that I saved the world,
but he's probably just being nice.
It doesn't matter.
That's me, looking fairly shocked.
But honestly, not that shocked,
because the truth is,
a lot of crazy stuff had already gone down.
Wow.
Maybe I should back up a little.
See, it all started with the Rapture.
It was league night.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God!
And Ben was even more excited than me.
He usually is. Which is why I love him.
Anyway...
Then, all of a sudden,
half the world was
totally gone.
The people who went to church and prayed
and missed out on
a lot of fun stuff
got sucked straight up to Heaven.
And the rest of us,
well, we were screwed.
We weren't believers,
so I guess that's why we weren't taken.
Both my mom and Ben's mom
went to church religiously.
Well, that's the only way
you can go to church.
The point is, they both got raptured.
But, in the only recorded case
of such a thing happening,
my mother was sent back the very next day.
Mom?
Laura.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I was in Heaven.
Wait. You got sent back?
So God, like, returned you?
Well.
I guess so. Yes.
I was just in line.
And they were giving out massages.
And a guy butt in front of me.
He probably didn't butt.
He barged right in front of me,
and he said,
"I need something in the shoulder."
Were you in the right line?
I was in the right line.
Honey, you are almost never
in the right line.
Listen to me. It was unprofessional.
It was poorly organized.
You have this backwards.
You go up there to be judged.
You don't do the judging.
Mom.
I don't want to be here.
I'd hug you, but you smell like sh*t.
Did anybody vacuum while I was gone?
We all vacuumed.
We all vacuumed all the time.
Lots of vacuuming.
And then the torments started.
First came these little Iocusty things.
- Suffer! Suffer!
- I am suffering, you little buttwipe!
- Suffer!
You're not going anywhere, you little f***er!
If you're wondering,
they were impervious to most bug sprays.
Suffer!
I got an idea! How about you suffer?
Suffer!
Suffer!
This apocalypse is killing me!
Why? Why?
I don't know why, you Jesus freak!
Why don't you ask God?
Oh, yeah, I forgot! He doesn't like you!
That's my parents, you guys.
I can't stand it any longer!
Good times.
Then God, in his infinite wisdom,
It just seemed so unsanitary, you know?
What is that? Is that...
Blood? It's raining blood.
That's not disgusting.
What the f*** is the point of that?
There's no point!
- I know.
- Wipers don't work for sh*t.
Try the sprayer thing.
Sprayer thing.
Well, that's great. Now it's all smeared.
The wraiths showed up about a year ago.
They were like a nightmare come to life.
They went all around the world
wrecking everything, and killing people.
Holy cow!
Monsters, man.
Real monsters.
Without the costumes.
Because the costumes are real, you know.
So, a lot of people died
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"Rapture-Palooza" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 1 Feb. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/rapture-palooza_16598>.
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