Pants on Fire

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TRUST ME, BOYS.

NO ONE ELSE WILL THINK TO MEE DANNY KOSTAS BEFORE SCHOOL.

WHOA.

NO ONE?

HALF THE TOWN IS HERE.

YES! BUT...

HALF THE TOWN ISN'T.

JACK OUTSMARTED:

HALF THE TOWN.

MM-HMM.

I PROMISED:

YOU GUYS AUTOGRAPHS,

AND WE ARE GONNA

GET AUTOGRAPHS.

I HAVE A PLAN.

OH! HEY.

NO ONE'S

ALLOWED BACK HERE.

OH, THANK GOODNESS!

A SECURITY GUARD.

MOM ALWAYS SAID,

"IF YOU NEED HELP,

FIND A SECURITY GUARD."

WELL, YOUR MOM SOUNDS

LIKE A VERY WISE LADY.

WHAT SEEMS:

TO BE THE TROUBLE?

YEAH, WHAT SEEMS

TO BE THE TROUBLE?

IT'S BEARS.

-BEARS?

- BEARS!

NOT BEARS.

I'M TERRIFIED OF BEARS.

BEARS ARE THE WORST.

WHY WOULD THERE BE BEARS

AT A CONVENTION CENTER?

IT'S THE DROUGHT.

THEY'RE COMING DOWN

FROM THE MOUNTAINS.

THEY'RE FORAGING

FOR FOOD.

-MM-HMM. I-I-IN THE DUMPSTER.

-ON TOP OF THE PARKING GARAGE.

FURTHER DOWN THE ALLEY.

WHEN YOU IRONED ON

THAT SECURITY BADGE,

YOU SWORE AN OATH

TO PROTEC THIS CONVENTION CENTER.

WELL, TODAY...

YOUR CONVENTION CENTER

NEEDS YOU.

WE NEED A HERO!

WE NEED...

OTIS.

ARE YOU SURE IT WAS BEARS?

OH, OTIS...

OTIS!

WOULD I LIE TO YOU?

YOU KIDS STAY HERE.

IT'S BEAR SEASON.

[REVERSE-ALERT WHINES]

NOW WE JUST HAVE TO

SIT BACK, RELAX,

AND WAIT FOR DANNY KOSTAS

TO ROLL IN.

HEH.

OKAY. I KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE

OTIS JUST FELL FOR THAT," RIGHT?

WELL, NOW, DON'T BLAME HIM,

BECAUSE HE NEVER REALLY

HAD A CHANCE.

SEE, EVERYBODY HAS

A SPECIAL TALENT.

SOME PEOPLE ARE... ATHLETES.

AND SOME PEOPLE CAN

PUT THEIR ENTIRE FIS IN THEIR MOUTH.

SORT OF.

BUT ME?

MY SPECIAL TALENT?

I CAN LIE.

NOW, EVER SINCE

I WAS A LITTLE KID,

I WAS JUST ALWAYS REALLY GOOD

AT MAKING STUFF UP.

I FIGURED, REGULAR LIFE

IS BORING ENOUGH ON ITS OWN.

WHY NO SPICE IT UP A LITTLE, HUH?

[]

LIKE THE TIME I BUSTED MY ARM

WHEN I BLEW THE LANDING

ON THE SICKEST FLIP OF MY LIFE.

GAH!

[GROANS]

NOW, I COULDN'T TELL MY MOM

HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED.

SHE SAID ONE MORE ACCIDEN AND MY BIKE

WOULD BE HISTORY.

SO MAYBE...

SO MAYBE MY ARM GOT BROKEN

PROTECTING THE HABITA OF AN ENDANGERED OWL

FROM TWO:

TREE-HUNGRY LUMBERJACKS.

GET 'IM!

[LUMBERJACK SCREAMS]

[GROANING]

-OH!

-[THUD]

YOU!

OH!

AHH!

[OWL HOOTING]

JACK PARKER,

THAT'S WHO.

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I GOT TO KEEP MY BIKE

AND I MADE MY PARENTS PROUD.

NOW, MAYBE

I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE

TO ASK JENNIFER:

TO THE WINTER FORMAL.

HI, JACK.

OR ASK HER ANYTHING AT ALL.

OR MAYBE I HAD A SMOKIN'-HO GIRLFRIEND FROM ARIZONA

WHO DIDN'T WANT ME

GOING OUT WITH ANYONE ELSE.

[SHRIEKING MANIACALLY]

SHE'S SUPER-POSSESSIVE.

MAYBE I WENT OVERBOARD

ON THAT LIE.

BUT...

MY BEST LIE,

MY GREATEST FABRICATION

OF ALL,

WAS MIKEY.

SEE, MY BELOVED RED SOX

WERE IN TOWN,

AND RYAN, ERIC, AND I

HAD SCORED AWESOME SEATS

RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS,

I HADN'T CLEANED MY ROOM

IN EIGHT MONTHS.

YOUNG MAN,

YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

UNTIL THIS ROOM IS SPOTLESS.

BUT... MOM!

[DEJECTED SIGH]

I... HAVE TO...

HELP... THAT KID.

-WHAT KID?

-THAT KID THAT...

I TUTOR?

MOM, I SWEAR, YOU DON'T LISTEN

TO A THING I SAY.

YOU TUTOR SOMEONE?

YEAH, IT'S QUITE WONDERFUL.

I, YOU KNOW, I TRY NOT TO MAKE

A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW,

JUST DOING MY PART.

HELPING A KID--

WHAT'S THIS KID'S NAME?

UH, MIKE.

BUT I CALL HIM MIKEY, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE KINDA TIGHT LIKE THAT,

YOU KNOW?

I'M KIND OF HIS ONLY FRIEND.

I AM SO...

[INHALING DEEPLY]

PROUD OF YOU!

YOU JUST GO.

HELP THAT MIKEY, OKAY?

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

COUPLE OF HARMLESS

FABRICATIONS AND...

JUST LIKE THAT,

THINGS JUST GET INTERESTING.

ERIC?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHH!

THE BEST DEFENSE AGAINST BEARS

IS TO PLAY DEAD.

GET UP. COME ON.

THERE WE GO.

OKAY.

[]

[]

DANNY! DANNY!

WE LOVE YOU, MAN.

MY BOY, RYAN,

DOES A PERFECT IMPRESSION

OF YOUR BATTING RITUAL.

[SNAPS]:
SHOW HIM!

OKAY.

CAN WE GE SOME AUTOGRAPHS?

[SNAP]

[]

AWESOME!

SO COOL!

[SMACK]

MM! TASTES MINTY.

AW, WE GOTTA GO!

MS. TAYLOR

IS GOING TO KILL YOU.

OKAY, AND ONE MORE THING.

YES. LYING IS WRONG.

EXCEPT... MAYBE IT ISN'T.

NOW HEAR ME OUT.

RIGHT NOW,

OTIS THE SECURITY GUARD

THINKS HE'S A HERO.

AND... WE GOT OUR AUTOGRAPHS.

EVERYBODY WINS.

NO HARM, NO FOUL.

FAKE GIRLFRIEND? LUMBERJACKS?

CHECK.

BUT THE "MIKEY" STORY,

THAT WAS A MASTERPIECE,

AND IT TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.

MIKEY BECAME MY GO-TO EXCUSE

FOR EVERY SITUATION.

YOU KNOW--

GETTING OUT OF CHORES,

BREAKING CURFEW,

BEING LATE FOR CLASS.

PEOPLE WERE HAPPY

LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THINGS,

BECAUSE:

THEY WERE HELPING MIKEY.

IT MADE THEM FEEL GOOD,

AND MAKING PEOPLE FEEL GOOD

CAN'T BE BAD, RIGHT?

[]

JACK PARKER, YOU'RE LATE.

IT'S THE THIRD TIME

THIS WEEK.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO

GIVE YOU DETENTION.

I UNDERSTAND.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

IT'S JUST... [SIGHS]

I WAS UP ALL NIGH HELPING MIKEY.

WITH MATH,

HE'S JUST REALLY STRUGGLING,

AND HE WANTS TO:

GET INTO COLLEGE,

SO HE CAN MAKE HIS MOM

AND HIS FOUR BROTHERS PROUD.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

HE HAD FIVE BROTHERS.

IT'S FOUR.

[VOICE CRACKS]:

IT'S FOUR NOW.

OHH...

HOW ABOUT WE JUST FORGE ABOUT DETENTION FOR TODAY? HMM?

[RELIEVED SIGH]

THANK YOU.

IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS TOLD MIKEY,

MS. TAYLOR--

YOU ARE THE TYPE OF TEACHER

THAT THEY MAKE MOVIES ABOUT.

[TOUCHED CHUCKLE]

HEY!

SEE?

I GET OUT OF DETENTION,

AND MS. TAYLOR

FEELS GREAT ABOUT HERSELF!

MY LIES ARE MAKING OUR SCHOOL--

NO, OUR WORLD--

A BETTER PLACE.

[GRUNTING]

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