Palo Alto
1
FRED:
Teddy?TEDDY:
Hmm.FRED:
If you were in the olden times,what would you do?
FRED:
Like, King Arthur,with knights and horses and sh*t.
I'd be the king!
You can't be king, dog. No way.
Dude, if I went back,
I'd be the f***ing king.
I'd be the king.
Then, I'd f*** every
virgin in the kingdom.
No, you can't be
king, a**hole. Okay?
You can't even be duke.
The fact that you f***ing said
that shows you're not royalty.
You're a peasant.
Peasant!
When people time travel,
they go back
aren't they always the king,
or they know the king?
But that's in stories. In stories
everybody's going to be the king.
It's Aristotle sh*t.
It's not real.
Yeah, but neither
is time travel.
There're very few f***ing kings and
you wouldn't be one of them, okay?
King Teddy?
King Teddy?
That's a f***ing turd's name, dude.
(SCOFFS) F*** you, Fred.
F*** you, you're an idiot.
You're an idiot.
I know.
If you were king,
I'd f***ing kill myself.
Then you better die,
motherf***er,
'cause I'm the king
around these parts.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
F***, Fred.
(FRED LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Oh, sh*t!
(HORN HONKING)
Whoo!
That felt so f***ing good.
That felt so...
MR. B:
Hey, April!Wanna join us?
Bring it in.
Have a stretch.
All right, on the ground.
Oh, I'm so wet.
(GIGGLES)
Not in a good way, either.
Mr. B's a hottie, though.
SHAUNA:
F***, I know.Right? (CHUCKLES) Too bad he
wants to get it in with April!
CHRISSY:
I know.No, he doesn't.
Why would you say that?
You just went to have a f***ing
cigarette during practice!
I said I was going
to the bathroom.
I'd go for it, if I were you.
Guys, it's so awkward.
I baby-sit his kid.
So?
(BOTH LAUGH)
I bet he makes a really
ugly face when he comes.
You pervert!
No, I'm just saying...
I bet it's like this.
He's like...
All right girls!
Good practice.
Oh, sh*t! You think
he heard what I said?
Yeah, he saw you. He's like,
"Wait, that's my face." (CHUCKLES)
April, can I talk
to you for a minute?
Hey, you think you can
babysit Michael on Saturday?
I have a date.
I don't know why I try.
Dates are always stupid.
(CHUCKLES)
Um, yeah,
I can babysit on Saturday.
Great.
And I think you
should play striker.
I know it's a lot of responsibility,
lot of pressure,
but you look really
good out there, so...
Thanks.
Great.
So, I'll see you Saturday.
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
(TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Fred.
Hey.
Come on, let's get
the f*** out of here.
Teddy, what would you do if
you got into a car accident?
Uh, I'd be pissed.
If it was a drunk
driving accident,
and you were the
one that was drunk?
It's bad, you crashed right into
another car, but your car still runs.
Sh*t.
And the other person could be dead,
or they could just be a little
whiplashed but you don't know.
Who is the person?
You don't know, man! That's the point.
You can either wait around and
the other person could be April
and you two could fall in love,
or you can get the f*** out of there.
Either way you have to decide.
Pretend like it happened now.
(CAR THUDS)
Boom! That's the accident.
What would you do?
I drive away.
Drive away?
Yeah.
You f***ing drive away?
Yeah.
That's your final answer?
FRED:
Sh*t, you gotissues, n*gger.
Hi, Meatball. Hi.
I know. Did you miss me?
Come here.
Hey, Stewart.
Get that terrible rodent
out of here.
Shooting hookers?
(CHUCKLES)
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
Brilliant.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, speaking of brilliant.
I corrected your paper.
I called it
"Alexander the Dubious."
You could have
just corrected it,
you didn't have
of work, sweetie.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
JANE:
What happened with yourcolonoscopy today? Are you okay?
Yeah, hold on a minute.
April's here.
I just wanna say hi to her,
will you hold on for a sec?
Hi.
Hi, honey. How are you?
Yeah, I'm good.
Just kind of tired.
I'm gonna go lie down
for a little.
You look tired.
Just said that.
You really need to rest.
Are you depressed?
No, why do you always
ask me if I'm depressed?
I'm not depressed.
I'm tired.
All right.
I love you.
Okay, Jamal, I'm gonna
call you back in a little bit.
(GASPS)
I don't care. Tsk.
Whatever!
You don't wanna talk to me?
I don't wanna talk to you first.
And I'm not doing that paper.
'Cause I don't give a f***.
This is what I think.
Later.
No one even cares
'cause you're fat.
JANE:
What is this homework?APRIL:
It's algebra.Phew, I would never be able to do that.
How do you do that?
Because I have to.
JANE:
My little baby!I'm not a baby.
You're such a little baby.
Mmm-mmm.
You are.
You need to relax and rest.
Okay, so everyone knows
how to play, right?
You just say,
"Never have I ever..."
And then if you've done
the thing you have to drink.
Like if you say,
"I've never cheated on my boyfriend"
and you have cheated on your boyfriend,
then you have to drink!
Um, never have I ever given
Seth Monkarsh a blow-job
during free period
WOMAN:
Uh-oh.Drink up, Chrissy.
(MAN CHUCKLING)
Yup.
Okay fine, my turn.
Um, hmm.
Never have I ever...
(CHUCKLES)
Kissed my uncle.
WOMAN:
What?Are you f***ing serious?
That was private.
F***ing freak.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Hey, April.
Hey, Teddy. Oh!
You all right there?
The chair's broken.
(HAMMERING CONTINUES)
Do you need a light?
Sure.
Thanks.
Would you mind your own business?
These are my stepbrother's.
Not like they're f***ing working anyway.
(CHUCKLES)
This party sucks.
Do you wanna go over
to the graves for a bit?
Yeah.
Do you wanna come?
Sure.
(SNORTS)
Never have I ever
had a lesbianic experience.
I've never been in love.
I think it's bullshit.
(ALL LAUGHING)
FRED:
I stoleyour lamp shade.
APRIL:
Oh, my God.I'm gonna fall.
(SCREAMS)
APRIL:
Oh, my God!(CHUCKLES) Ah, I got you guys.
It's uncool dude,
there could be ghosts around here.
Jesus.
Don't even say that.
Hey, you guys remember that kid in
eighth grade who suicided himself?
Yeah, that's...
I remember that.
The Asian kid?
Yeah.
Why do you think
he killed himself?
He's buried here.
I think he killed himself because he
was Asian. I think it's pretty obvious.
What does that even mean?
It means his parents
pressured the sh*t out of him
because he was Asian, duh?
I don't think that's true.
I don't really think you know any
better than me, so no point talking.
Okay.
You got it.
Oh, sh*t!
Whoo!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Stop!
My parents
are gonna f***ing flip.
Wow.
It's kind of hard.
That's what she said.
It's cool looking.
FRED:
Ted, check this out.(CHUCKLES)
Be careful.
Do you think it hurts
shooting yourself?
Probably for a second.
But, er,
I think pain only hurts if it's prolonged.
If I was going to kill myself,
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"Palo Alto" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 7 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/palo_alto_15512>.
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