Palo Alto

1

FRED:
Teddy?

TEDDY:
Hmm.

FRED:
If you were in the olden times,

what would you do?

TEDDY:
Which olden times?

FRED:
Like, King Arthur,

with knights and horses and sh*t.

I'd be the king!

You can't be king, dog. No way.

Dude, if I went back,

I'd be the f***ing king.

I'd be the king.

Then, I'd f*** every

virgin in the kingdom.

No, you can't be

king, a**hole. Okay?

You can't even be duke.

The fact that you f***ing said

that shows you're not royalty.

You're a peasant.

Peasant!

Dude, but think about it.

When people time travel,

they go back

aren't they always the king,

or they know the king?

But that's in stories. In stories

everybody's going to be the king.

It's Aristotle sh*t.

It's not real.

Yeah, but neither

is time travel.

There're very few f***ing kings and

you wouldn't be one of them, okay?

King Teddy?

King Teddy?

That's a f***ing turd's name, dude.

(SCOFFS) F*** you, Fred.

F*** you, you're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

I know.

If you were king,

I'd f***ing kill myself.

Then you better die,

motherf***er,

'cause I'm the king

around these parts.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

F***, Fred.

(FRED LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, sh*t!

(HORN HONKING)

Whoo!

That felt so f***ing good.

That felt so...

MR. B:
Hey, April!

Wanna join us?

All right girls, circle up.

Bring it in.

Have a stretch.

All right, on the ground.

Oh, I'm so wet.

(GIGGLES)

Not in a good way, either.

Mr. B's a hottie, though.

SHAUNA:
F***, I know.

Right? (CHUCKLES) Too bad he

wants to get it in with April!

CHRISSY:
I know.

No, he doesn't.

Why would you say that?

You just went to have a f***ing

cigarette during practice!

I said I was going

to the bathroom.

I'd go for it, if I were you.

Guys, it's so awkward.

I baby-sit his kid.

So?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I bet he makes a really

ugly face when he comes.

You pervert!

No, I'm just saying...

I bet it's like this.

He's like...

All right girls!

Good practice.

Oh, sh*t! You think

he heard what I said?

Yeah, he saw you. He's like,

"Wait, that's my face." (CHUCKLES)

April, can I talk

to you for a minute?

Hey, you think you can

babysit Michael on Saturday?

I have a date.

I don't know why I try.

Dates are always stupid.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, yeah,

I can babysit on Saturday.

Great.

And I think you

should play striker.

I know it's a lot of responsibility,

lot of pressure,

but you look really

good out there, so...

Thanks.

Great.

So, I'll see you Saturday.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

(TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

Fred.

Hey.

Come on, let's get

the f*** out of here.

Teddy, what would you do if

you got into a car accident?

Uh, I'd be pissed.

If it was a drunk

driving accident,

and you were the

one that was drunk?

It's bad, you crashed right into

another car, but your car still runs.

Sh*t.

And the other person could be dead,

or they could just be a little

whiplashed but you don't know.

Who is the person?

You don't know, man! That's the point.

You can either wait around and

the other person could be April

and you two could fall in love,

or you can get the f*** out of there.

Either way you have to decide.

Pretend like it happened now.

(CAR THUDS)

Boom! That's the accident.

What would you do?

I drive away.

Drive away?

Yeah.

You f***ing drive away?

Yeah.

That's your final answer?

FRED:
Sh*t, you got

issues, n*gger.

Hi, Meatball. Hi.

I know. Did you miss me?

Come here.

Oh, hi, silly pretty thing.

Hey, Stewart.

Get that terrible rodent

out of here.

Were you playing video games?

Shooting hookers?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Brilliant.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, speaking of brilliant.

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