Our Relations

- l'm sorry.|- No, Betty, this is yours.

What's going on here? Silly.

Pass the sugar, lover.

- Hand me the bread, Momma.|- Yes, Poppa.

- There we are.|- Thank you.

That's strawberry jam in there.

How about some celery?|Would you like some celery?

Thank you.

Are you starting this all over again?

(Both) That's the best cup of tea|you ever made.

- Shakespeare.|- Longfellow.

- Needles.|- Pins. (Laughs)

- lsn't that cute?|- (Clock chiming)

Oh, Daphne, look at the time.|Hurry or we'll be late for our bridge party.

Honey, excuse us|but Mrs Adelquist will be calling for us.

- Have a good time.|- See you before you go.

Oh, lover.

(Doorbell)

That's Mrs Adelquist. Let her in, darling,|we'll be right down. Come on, Betty.

- Come in, Mrs Adeltwist.|- Special delivery for Mr Hardy.

Sign, please.

- (Door closes)|- Come in, Mrs Adelquist.

lt wasn't Mrs Twiddlepast.

Not Twiddlepast, Adelquick, er, Adelquist.

Never mind who it was, who was it?

- lt was a letter for you.|- Oh!

lt's from my mother.

- What's she say?|- l'll find out when l get my glasses.

(Loud crunching)

''My dear son Ollie,

''l was cleaning up the attic and in going|through a lot of rubbish l came acr...''

Don't be rude.

Now look what you've done.

Take some hot water and clean those off!

(Crack)

My eyes are getting worse every day.|This letter is just a blur. Hurry up.

Thank you.

Now, that's better.

''My dear son Ollie,

''l was cleaning up the attic|and in going through a lot of rubbish

''l came across this picture of you and Stan|and your twin brothers, Bert and Alf

''so l thought you would like to have it.|Lovingly, Mother.''

- lsn't that swell?|- Can you imagine that?

Our very own twin brothers.

l wonder where they are.

Cha cha cha.

(Laughs) Seems like only yesterday.

(Stan) Which is you?|(Ollie) That's me there.

- Look at me.|- But that isn't you, that's Alf.

Let me have your glasses.

(Nasally) You mean to tell me|l don't know which is me?

That's me, right there.

How do you know that's you?

- l'm the oldest, you can...|- Sit down.

There's some more writing.|Give me my glasses.

No wonder l couldn't tell which was you!

Here, you read it!

''Dear Ollie, l forgot to tell you|that after you and Stan left home

''your twin brothers Alf and Bert turned out|to be bad lads and ran away to sea,

''and l did hear they joined a mutiny on board|one night and they both got hanged.''

Oh, isn't that terrible?

''Let this be a lesson to you. Mother.''

- Hm.|- lsn't that calamitous?

What a disgrace to our parents.|lf poor Father ever...

- Where are you going?|- To show Bubbles.

- (Chokes) Come here.|- What?

- Are you crazy?|- Uh-uh.

lf our wives find out we had some low-down|brothers like that they'd divorce us.

We'd lose our prestige in town and be|ostracised by the rest of the community.

- Well, why would they...?!|- Oh! Shh.

Why would they do that?|Everybody has a black sheep in their closet.

Nevertheless,

don't you tell a soul about this|because if you do we'll be sunk.

Then maybe we'd better burn the evidence.

(Both) Then nobody will ever know.

-Shakespeare.|- Long... Not now!

- Have you got a match?|- Yes.

Shh.

We'll burn our past behind us.

- (Daphne) Come along, Betty!|- Oh! Here.

(Daphne) We'll be right down,|Mrs Adelquist!

- Oh! Hello, dear!|- Where's Mrs Adelquist?

- (Doorbell)|- We have to go now.

l'm sorry, dear. Goodbye.

Goodbye, lover.

(Daphne) Come along, girls,|we're going to be late!

- Goodbye!|- (Door closes)

(Ship's horn)

Stand by your line!

Hey, mate - get busy|and unload the livestock.

- We sail in the morning with the tide.|- Aye, sir!

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