One for the Money

I'm Stephanie Plum, and this is my story.

I was born and raised in a blue-collar

chunk of Trenton called the Burg.

Here, houses are modest, yards are small,

and cars are American.

Stephanie!

Hey, guys.

And at this point in my life,

I have no food in my fridge,

$4 in checking,

and I'm driving to my parents' house

in a carl can no longer afford.

- Your father needs to eat.

- I'm coming.

The clock on the dash told me

I was five minutes late,

and a lifetime with my mother told me

she'd think that meant I was dead.

- I thought you were dead.

- Five minutes late, Ma.

- What's for dinner?

- Pot roast.

Dried out, but pot roast.

As for my dad, those five minutes

were spent contemplating

how to kill Grandma Mazur

and where to bury the body.

Guess who died? Read it today.

You'll never guess.

Jimmy. With the bumpy ears.

Seventy-two, dead. Electrocuted.

Ma! His poor mother.

You're not eating.

I got some not-so-great news.

- You found a lump.

- Come on.

No. I got let go from Macy's.

Those bastards.

Six months ago.

Six months and you're just now telling me?

For the love of God.

I know. I know. And I got,

maybe, 10 minutes left with that car.

So, that's my news.

What I need to get is a...

- Job.

- Husband.

Bernie Kuntz is single.

Ma, I had a husband. I didn't like it.

I don't want another one.

Yes, a job.

'Cause, as hard as it is to imagine,

there's just not a lot out there

for a department-store lingerie manager.

Well, you'd think

there would be.

Who wouldn't enjoy a nice thong?

MRS. PLUM; Ridiculous.

Nobody panic. It's just them towing my car.

What?

I thought you said 10 more minutes.

My judgments a little screwy.

Good judgment is for sissies.

I can't take it any more.

A little FYI.

Your cousin is looking for someone

to help with the filing.

- Which cousin?

- Vinnie.

He tried to make out with me

at my own wedding.

Oh! He's a flawed individual.

This is my place.

The appliances predate my grandmother,

but it suits me.

I hate to tell you, Rex,

but you're going nowhere.

That's official.

Ta da!

Gram.

You need to look through that peephole

before you answer the door.

I could've had an ax or worse.

Wanna come in?

Not so much.

I got a little something for you.

Big Blue.

Gram, I can't take Big Blue.

And how did you get here?

You don't have a driving license.

What, are you going to ride a bus

like a gypsy?

- People ride the bus all the time.

- Not when they could be riding in style.

All right. Thank you.

You might want to run a comb

through your hair.

- You'll feel better.

- I feel fine.

Okay, run a comb through your hair

and I'll feel better.

Now, go get some clothes on

and give me a ride home.

Go, go.

This is my

Cousin Vinnie's business.

Every scumbag and sleazeball

in Trenton has passed through here,

but anything's better

than marrying Bernie Kuntz.

So, here I am.

Stephanie Plum, swear to Christ,

I thought you were here to make bail.

That would've been sad.

You look confused.

It's me, Connie Rossoli.

You graduated Central

with my little sister, Tina.

Tina Rossoli. Holy crap. How's she doing?

Not good. Big as a house.

Enough about me and mine.

You're here to see Vinnie regarding what?

I heard you guys had a filing job.

- Nah.

- Nah? What do you mean, "Nah"?

We moved some files into storage last week.

Two days' work.

It was a crappy job.

Spend all day on your knees.

If you're gonna spend

that much time on your knees,

you could find something that pays better.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. You guys got anything?

Full-time, part-time, freelance?

Just till I get my feet back on the ground?

Maybe Vinnie will let you do

some skip chasing.

How comfortable are you with the lowlifes?

I sold lingerie for three years in Newark.

You're good to go. Tell you what.

Morty Beyers is down for the count.

Ruptured appendix, disgusting.

- These are his cases.

- Can I look at them?

Mmm-hmm.

- FTA?

- Failure to appear.

Skipped out on bail.

Bring him in, you get 10% of the bond.

Adds up.

Yeah. I could do this.

I don't know, Steph.

You're dealing with criminals.

I gotta say no.

I can either apprehend criminals

or become one.

- That's where I'm at, Vin.

- It's that bad?

Yeah.

Joe Morelli skipped out on bail?

No, no, no. You stay away from that.

- I'm in for half a million.

- I'd give it all up to put his ass in jail.

Give it all up? You have

nothing left to give.

Remember, you just said

you have nothing left to give, so...

It's a figure of speech, Vin.

I remain unconvinced.

All right. Take a couple of civil cases

of Morty's, all right?

But you stay away from Joe Morelli.

You'll muck it up, I'll lose my business,

his mother will lose the house.

- Only bad will come of it.

- I need the 50 grand.

No.

You stuck your tongue in my mouth

at my wedding.

I was drunk, okay?

I was drunk and you resembled

someone else. That was not anything I did.

I was wearing a big white dress and a veil.

I gave you a job. Get.

You know, I used to get my nails done

by this very chatty manicurist

who moonlights as a dominatrix,

of all things.

- How chatty?

- Deeply chatty. How's your wife?

There's some men who enter

a woman's life and screw it up forever.

Joe Morelli did this to me.

He was the big catch in our neighborhood

and I thought I caught him

when I gave him my virginity

on the floor of the Tasty Pastry Bakery.

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