One, Two, Many

Synopsis: A modern-day romance that follows one man's quest to find the girl of his dreams. A girl who can agree that three is company.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Michael DeLorenzo
Production: National Lampoon
88 min


horse neighs, collapses


Well, she's gone

And l won't be coming home

l heard that a broken heart

ls better left alone

After1,000 miles

Maybe l'll get by

There's just

one thing to say

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime


lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

Yeah, yes, it is

lt's just a matteroftime

lt's just a matteroftime

Yeah, yes, it is


You know, they say

with every life experience,

there's a lesson to be learned,

and, man, did l learn mine.

See, that was me,

fantasizing about

every woman l saw.

See, l was what yo

might call a horn dog,

a playboy, a gigolo.

l'm what you ladies

might call, well...

a scumbag.

See, l wasn't a bad guy,

it's just that every

girl l saw,

ljust-- ljust had to

get into bed with.


Oh, yeah.




Excuse me.

Well, almost

every girl l saw.


Anyway, l always

wanted to get married,

be a dad, have kids,

but how could l do both?

l mean, how could l

keep on being with women,

and start a family?

Than l had this

brilliant idea.

bell dings

l need to find a girl

that wold be willing

to bring otherwomen

into bed with me.

Well, what

happened to Kelly?

l broke up with her.

Well, she

broke up with me.

Actually, she hitme

overthe head

with a nine iron ,

then broke up with me.


She hit yo overthe head

with a nine iron ?

Actually, it was

a fouriron,

but who's counting?



Because l was

cheating on her.


See, l had this

wandering penis problem.

lt's like a vagining rod.

All right, and she was

upset with you, right, Tom?


No, l don't think so.


See, every time

l see a new girl,

l gotta get her--



You can't say no, Thomas.

You cheat because

you wantthe constant love

and approval from others

because you nevergotthose

things from yorfamily.

Yoursiblings ridiculed you,

yourdad beatyou,

humiliated yo ,

and neveraccepted you.

Well, not exactly.

Doc, how can my penis

have anything to do

with the family?

Then, when you get

these women to love you,

you wantto get rid ofthem.

Why would l do that?

You question their credibility

if they could love

a loserlike yourself.

l do?

Yeah. Yorfamily

considered you

a loser, Thomas.

And that's why you

seek the constant love

and affection from others.

To prove them wrong.

Doc, couldn't it

just be that l'm horny?

Doubtful, Thomas.

Look, yo push people

away who love you

because you feel

unworthy oflove,

happiness, self-respect.

And we're seeing

these same things happen

in yor relationships.

You try and

create obstacles

that'll keep yo from

having a happy relationship.

For instance,



Well, yo dumped her.

She had hygiene problems.

Hervagina was shaved

like the Hitler mustache.

Every time l went down on her,

l thought of the Third Reich.

What abot Charlene?

She had nine fingers.

Well, Debra.


Look, at least

when l take a dump,

and there's people nearby,

l have the courtesy

to flush to

drown outthe noise.


Thomas, don'tyou see,

you create these problems.

What do you mean?

Well, this one...farts,

this one has nine fingers,

and this one has

a funny-looking...

hoo -haha.

lt's not that.

ljust need to find a woman

that'll allow otherwomen

into bed with us.

That, Derek, is my idea

of the perfect woman.

Well, cold be hard

to find a woman

that accommodating.

Perhaps we should call her

the hard to find woman.


Sorry, Thomas,

it's, uh...

Time's up.


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John Melendez

John Edward Melendez (born October 4, 1965), better known as "Stuttering John," is an American podcast host, stand-up comedian, television writer, actor, and radio personality. He is best known for being on The Howard Stern Show from 1988 to 2004. Initially working as an intern, Melendez became known for asking impertinent questions to celebrities at events and press conferences with his stuttering. He left the show to become the announcer on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. In April 2018, he launched The Stuttering John Podcast. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "One, Two, Many" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 31 Jul 2021. <,_two,_many_15283>.

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