Once Upon a Crime...

Synopsis: Phoebe and fellow American Julian Peters meet in Rome, find a lost dog, and agree to return it to Monte Carlo to split the five thousand dollar reward. Discovering the dog's owner dead, they panic and become fugitives. Other victims of misfortune also become suspects, as the plot twists and luck and judgment desert everyone.
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Mystery
Director(s): Eugene Levy
Production: MGM
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
94 min

Buon giorno. You have

reached Pope John Paul ll.

I can't come to the phone right

now, but if you leave...

your name and a number after

the sound of the beep...

I'll get back to you as

soon as heavenly possible.

Remember, please wait for the beep.

Here she comes.

Hello, Marcello? This is Phoebe.

I've been walking the streets...

trying to figure out exactly

what I want to say...

and I finally figured out

what I do want to say...

so I'll just say it the

way I figured it out, OK?

I'm here in Rome. I spent every

cent I had to get here...

so we could spend the rest

of our lives together.

Does that ring a bell, Marcello?

Honest to God, I really

thought you were different.

When you said you loved me

that night by the pool...

I believed you.

I actually believe people when

they say things like that.

Yep, I bought it! Old

Phoebe gets burned again...

but what else is new? So,

hey, I'm rambling, and...

I'm having a bad day.

Hey! That's my lunch!

Oh, God! Ruined a perfectly good bun!

I have nothing more to give! I'm sorry.

I remember the day you signed me.

You said I'd be the next Al Pacino.

But if you don't land me a job...

before my next rent check is

due, I'm in serious trouble.

I think you should find another agent...

I'm sorry, Julian.

I should be the one to apologize.

You know me. I'm a chronic whiner.

It's like a hobby with me. You know that.

Good-bye, Julian. I wish you the best.

You're making a big mistake, Carla.

I'll tell you what, honey. I'll

give you the whole weekend.

Think about it. I'll call

you Monday, all right?

If they haven't disconnected

my phone by then.

What am I, sitting on a Milk Bone now?

Will you get outta here?

Does somebody own this thing, or what?

At least when I get back home,

I can do summer stock...

a road show... maybe Cats again.

Ever see that?

You would love that. You know

you're a very good listener?

Why can't you be a woman?

Whoa! Look at you!

Your mommy must be very loaded, huh?

Yo! Monte Carlo!

There she is. I've been

looking all over for you.

- Scusi, signore. Mio cane.

- This is your dog?

- Oh. You're American.

- Julian Peters.

- Phoebe.

- Phoebe what?

- Phoebe. Just Phoebe.

- Just Phoebe?

- Like what, just Cher?

- Just Phoebe, like...

"I don't want you to know the

rest of my name" just Phoebe.

Could I please have the dog?

"Just Phoebe," I don't

think she's your dog.

- She is mine.

- She can't be.

- Why would you say that?

- She's a he.

So I made a mistake. Look...

the dog is lost, and it's my aunt's...

and I'm returning the dog to her.

So could I please have the damn dog?

- Uh-huh. Got a minute?

- No.

Come on, have a seat.

I'll buy you something.

Want some water? You like bubbles?

I'll get you mineral water or something.

You know, I'm an actor.

And I study, you know, human behaviour.

And I smell money here. Monte Carlo money.

- I smell big reward.

- What do you want?


70-30, but on the condition

you don't speak to me once...

during the entire trip.

70-30 is hardly worth my time.

I'm in show business. I

make that in an hour.

60-40, you got a deal.

How come your eyes are so red?

Have you been crying?

- A guy? You involved?

- 65-35, and I up my end...

every time you open your mouth.

Yes! Red! Odd! Yes! Marilyn, I'm hot.

I'm up 16 million bucks.

Every minute we're not in Monte

Carlo, we're losing a fortune.

Boy, if the casino knew

I had this system...

they'd hire hit men to stop me.

Why would someone sell you a

foolproof system for $3.00?

$2.00. I talked the guy down, remember?

If it's so great, why

Rate this script:(2.00 / 1 vote)

Rodolfo Sonego

Rodolfo Sonego (27 February 1921 – 15 October 2000) was an Italian screenwriter. He wrote Commedia all'italiana films such as A Difficult Life, Il vedovo, and The Traffic Policeman. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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