Once Bitten

Wake up, sleepyhead. It's sunset.

Board of Education Chairman...

- Good evening, Sebastian.

- Good evening, Countess.

Austrian peasant.

Early 1700s...

O-positive.

Very nice...

but not vintage, and certainly not virgin.

Virgin blood isn't easy to come by

these days, Countess.

You're telling me.

How many days left

till Halloween, Sebastian?

Little more than a week, Countess.

I told you not to worry.

Not to worry?

How amusing.

You're not the one that has to have

the virgin blood of a young man...

not once, but three times

before All Hallows' Eve.

Not to worry?

Being a vampire in the 20th century

is a nightmare!

Did we get up on the wrong side

of the coffin this evening?

Must be the delegation from below.

You, wipe your feet.

After 120 years,

you still have Georgia clay on your boots.

You're a long way from Covent Garden.

Your report?

Countess, we've been all over

this metropolis.

With nothing to show for it?

Do you realize that it's less than 10 days

until Halloween?

Times have changed. When you found me,

it was 1864. Virginity was still popular.

Stop being so damned negative.

There must be a virgin out there. Find him!

Unless the Countess gets

what she must have...

you lose your refuge and her protection.

Is that clear?

The closest we've come so far

is an 11-year-old.

Don't be disgusting.

No more excuses! She's heard them all.

She wants action.

And she wants it now.

Get out there and find me a virgin!

I want to, I really do.

Robin, please!

Mark, we've been through this sex thing

a million times.

Halfway through it a million times.

It's what people do when they are in love.

It's natural. It's right.

It's not natural for me to do it in a car.

What about an ice-cream truck?

What?

Do you have a creamsicle?

Take a hike! We're closed for renovations.

Jeez.

Sorry. I'll put it in third.

Look, Mark...

I want to. I really do.

But I want it to be special.

Sorry.

Please understand.

Sh*t.

Based on my broad and varied experience...

I'm telling you,

girls have a six-year cutoff time.

If they haven't put out in the first six years,

they figure, "why bother?"

No. She just thinks if it's good, it can wait.

Oh, yeah? Look at me. I'm good. I can't wait.

- You call that well-done? It's still meowing.

- It's burnt.

I don't know. There's too much pressure

about getting laid.

It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Right now, I'm as close

to physical perfection as I'm gonna get.

That's depressing. Really depressing.

Sometimes I think I should just go out,

find some strange woman and get laid.

Then I could go back to Robin

without all this pressure between us.

Now that's a burger!

We should check out

some of the bars in Hollywood.

I don't want to do that.

- That's where all the weirdoes are.

- Exactly.

Because that's where all the action is.

We might as well.

Nothing ever happens here.

We live in a sexual wasteland.

What if Robin finds out?

Who's gonna tell her? Not me.

Come on. I wouldn't say nothing.

Not if she got down on her knees and...

Get out!

We'll have three beers, all around.

Watch.

Number 17.

Hi there! Number 17?

I'm Russ and I'm a Sagittarius.

I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners,

and Tolstoy.

Look, I'm a mature person,

and you are a mature person, so...

She said, "Come on over!"

You got it, honey.

Don't wait up.

Hi there, Russ.

- Hi.

- Sit down.

A Sagittarius! Dynamite! I'm a Gemini.

Hey, man, do you know what that means?

Like H2O!

Are you a guy?

Does it matter?

Sissy.

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