On The Edge

No. Still dead.

Well, gentlemen,

doesn't our young fellow look fantastic?

Okay, down to business.

Drugs.

You got loads of them. Give us some.

- What do you want?

- What have you got?

God's, ups, downs, hash,

Black Moroccan, A's...

...heroin, Charlie, speeds, acids.

- I think I'll have a gram...

- And grass.

I'll have a gram of cocaine.

Get your hands off!

F***.

- Hello.

- What the f*** do you want?

- Was that your boyfriend there?

- Yeah.

- What is he like?

- He's an a**hole.

What do you care?

What are you doing

for the rest of the night?

What's it to you?

Do you want to come back to my flat

for some coke and some sex?

- Okay.

- Great.

- Is that your car, lads?

- Are you joking?

We wouldn't buy a car like that.

It's a f***ing woman's car.

What are you doing

hanging around the north side, Jonathan?

You know, this and that.

Bit of shopping. Seeing the sights.

Burying my father.

- Really? He's dead?

- He's dead.

- What did he die of?

- He drank himself to death.

Are you heartbroken?

You know,

I'm glad he finally got it together.

So the doctor says to him,

"You've got to stop your drinking.

"Your liver will f***ing give in.

You know what I'm saying?"

He goes home and he celebrates

with a bottle of Bushmills.

- Some way to go!

- Are you taking the piss?

- I never joke about death.

- You are taking the piss.

Am I?

Wait here. I'll be back in a second.

- 'Morning.

- You're not as cute as your brother.

Thanks.

- It's a beautiful morning out there, Mikey.

- She's asleep.

It was a great funeral, wasn't it?

- What's the matter? Have you slept?

- Yeah, I went to bed early.

I want the ashes.

I want to take them away.

- What are you talking about?

- I want the f***ing urn thingy.

I want to take it home with me.

What are you shitting on about? It's 5:00.

Mikey, she's asleep. Come on.

I'm not going to give you the urn, okay?

Look. Why don't you get

a couple of hours sleep here...

...and we'll all have breakfast then, okay?

Do you have pancakes?

Yes. I will make you some...

- Is he going to be all right?

- Yeah, he'll be fine.

He's been a lot better the last few months.

He'll be grand.

Listen. I'm sorry.

We'll see you. We're going for a spin.

I'm going to have to ask you

to get out here.

What?

I have to ask you to get out of the car.

I'm sorry.

What are you talking about?

I have to ask you to get out of the car now.

I'm sorry. Please.

You're serious.

If you want to kill yourself...

... you can't go wrong

if you drive a convertible car...

... over a cliff at 50 miles an hour.

That's a sure thing.

I broke my baby finger.

No seat belt.

The police said if I had been wearing

my seat belt I would have broken my neck.

Under the threat of a prison sentence

for the stolen car...

... I opted for three months

as an inpatient...

... in a psychiatric hospital.

The good thing about going

into the madhouse now...

... is that my stay would run right over

the Christmas season.

For as long as I can remember,

I wanted to spend Christmas...

... in a suburban mental institution.

The group session you'll be attending

is a small one.

It's made up of four people

about the same age as yourself.

Most of them have been with us

a month or so. They're doing quite well.

I'm sure you'll all get on very well.

Here's your room.

Well, I'll take it.

There's a special room for patients

called the recreation room.

You've got your Velcro-tipped darts,

cards, the telly...

... and a kettle that stops boiling

when the water is lukewarm...

... so you can't kill yourself

by pouring boiling water on your head.

Look at that animal.

Yeah, he's nice.

I had a cat once.

But it got its head stuck in a tin of cat food

I'd left on the counter.

It was stuck for 10 hours

by the time I'd come back.

I'm sorry.

Must have been horrible for him.

All that time in the dark...

...trying to breathe, bumping into walls.

That's sad.

But he's okay now.

Just a little edgy, but he's fine.

Okay. I'll see you later.

What's that for, lads?

Thanks.

You don't feel like talking?

Okay.

We'll leave it for today.

My therapy sessions are at 12:00

every Tuesday and Thursday in Room 13.

You're required to attend.

I've been through your file this morning.

I'm sorry about your father.

You're woken at 7:30 sharp.

A good hour after you got to sleep.

Excuse me. Why are you dressed like that?

- What?

- Why are you dressed like that?

What are you talking about?

You're an inpatient, aren't you?

No civvies. P.J. s only.

I'll have your clothes.

There is nothing as comfortable

as wearing secondhand pajamas...

... that previously belonged

to a very short person.

Excuse me.

Is this the way to Dr. Figure's office?

You're in the right direction.

Head through those blue doors.

He's at the end of the corridor

on the second floor. Goodbye.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Are you two patients here?

- No. We're doctors.

- Okay. I'll see you.

- I like your slippers.

- Thanks.

Do they bite?

I don't know. Why don't you put

your hand down there and find out?

Well, they're nice.

Do you want a game of pool sometime?

- When?

- Whenever.

- I don't play pool.

- I'll play you.

Yeah? I was actually more interested...

...in having a game of pool

with the young lady here.

- No offense.

- F*** you.

How about table tennis?

Can I give you the telephone number

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