Oh, Mr. Porter!

Synopsis: Through the influence of a relative, a hopeless railway employee is made stationmaster the sleepy Irish station of Buggleskelly. Determined to make his mark, he devises a number of schemes to put Buggleskelly on the railway map, but instead falls foul of a gang of gun runners.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Marcel Varnel
Production: VCI Entertainment
85 min

# I want to go to Birmingham

and they're taking me on to Crewe

# Oh, Mr Porter,

what a funny man you are #

And as the managing director

of this railway,

I have pleasure in asking the wife of

the Minister of Public Communications

to christen our new engine.

I now christen you the Silver Link.

As Minister of Public Communications,

on behalf of my wife and myself,

we wish to place on record the pride...

..we feel in being selected...

..to perform this ceremony.

In all the years I've been in office...

..I can recall...

..no happier occasion...

No, no, no. Don't stop him.

The work of the railway must go on.

That's all right. I'll listen to you.

- What's our Willie doing here?

- Come here, my man.

So you're a wheel tapper, eh?

That reminds me of a story

about a wheel tapper.

He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years.

One day, somebody asked him why he

tapped a wheel and guess what he said.

He said, ''I'm blowed if I know.''

He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years

and didn't know why!

You'll only think me a little stupid

but why do they tap them?

Oh. Well, er...

Well, you see, it's like this, madam.

If I tap the wheel with a hammer

and hear a clang,

then I know the wheel's there, you see.

Yes, but supposing it doesn't go clang...

Well, then I know the train's gone.

- That's the lot.

- Thanks.

- Dark trousers with white pinstripe!

- Here.

Ditto. Cleaning number 1-34-9.

Those are mine.

I've never been so humiliated!

My own brother,

a common wheel tapper!

- But, my dear...

- Can't you get Willie a better position?

- But we've tried him in everything.

- Then I shall insist he resigns.

- You mean leave us altogether?

- Certainly.

- He doesn't need to do that.

- No, he could do other things.

- Exactly. He can come and live with us.

- What? In our house?

Better that than tapping wheels.

- But...

- My mind is made up.

He gets a decent job or he lives with us.

- Yes, but...

- Undo that thing and don't argue!

Don't be hasty.

I'll see the superintendent at once.

That's more like it. I'll go and fetch Willie.

I daren't, sir. He should be fired.

The board hates incompetence.

But if he's fired,

my wife's going to have him live with us!

Oh, life wouldn't be worth living.

- You have my sympathy.

- Sympathy's no good. I need help.

Have you any special position

in mind for him?

No, so long as

it has the semblance of promotion.

Would it matter if we sent him

very far away?

- The farther, the better.

- Let me see.

Come on, Willie.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not. I've been here before.

- I hope you've explained the situation.

- Well, I was just...

It does not conform with our dignity

to have a relative tapping wheels.

- We've never had a tapper in our family.

- There was Uncle Joe.

You were meant to be sorting parcels.

What were you doing on the line?

After checking 200 Stilton cheeses,

I needed some fresh air.

- You've never given him a chance.

- We've tried him in many capacities.

What positions has he held?

In 1934, we made him chief coupler

at Miggleswick

- and you know what you did there.

- Yes, I coupled.

Yes, a coal train to the Scotch express.

I did nothing of the sort! I did not couple

the coal train to the Scotch express.

I coupled the express to the coal train.

Fancy a man of Willie's intellect

coupling trains!

On Derby day, 1935,

we put you on the indicator board.

- Yes. Quite right.

- You sent 12,000 racegoers

to a temperance convention in Wales.

- Did you hear about that too?

- Yes, from 12,000 racegoers.

- Charles!

- Yes, my dear.

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    "Oh, Mr. Porter!" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 26 Jan. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/oh,_mr._porter!_15125>.

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