Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery

Synopsis: In this new stand-up special, Norm Macdonald delivers sly, deadpan observations from an older -- and perhaps even wiser -- point of view.
Director(s): Liz Plonka
 
IMDB:
7.0
Year:
2017
61 min
23 Views

Then people go,

"Goddamn, at least he's not a hypocrite. "

"You've got to give it to him,

that's the worst part of it. "

All right.

I ate a pork chop. I don't want to brag

or anything like that.

But it's in my belly right now

as we speak.

And I realized that you...

you eat at a restaurant

different than you eat at home, you know?

Like, at home you would never cook up

a pork chop on your skillet, you know,

and make it nice and hot on one side,

then turn it over,

make it hot on the other side,

and then cut into it

and see how it's going in the middle.

And then you go, "Man, I'm going to love

eating this delicious pork chop.

As soon as it's hot enough to eat,

I'll eat it.

But while I'm waiting,

I'm going to eat a big loaf of bread. "

Who would do that?

"With, like, 35 pats of butter,

and I'll eat that loaf of bread. "

"And that will get my appetite

sharpened up...

...for the pork. "

I also noticed

that desserts are different nowadays.

When I was young,

the waiter would come and go,

"What do you want for dessert -

cherry pie or apple pie?"

And you would go,

"I will have a cherry pie. "

And the guy would bring me... Very simple.

You know, things were simple back then.

Now desserts - oh, my Lord!

The guy shows up

and he's got a big tray at a canted angle,

and every confection

known to man is on it.

He's...

And I don't like the way he talks,

because he doesn't talk,

like, the pork-chop talk any more.

All of a sudden, for the dessert,

he's, like, all the sexual undertones.

You know, the...

I mean, he's all like, "Ah. "

"Why are you saying 'ah' like that?"

He's like, "Ah. "

"May I tempt you with something?"

"Tempt me?"

"Do you like decadent things?"

"Well, I don't... "

"I hope you left some room in your belly. "

"OK, listen. "

"Are we still talking about desserts here?

What the... is going on?"

"I don't want to end up blowing you

in the bathroom or something. "

"I don't want to end up blowing the guy

in the bathroom. Listen...

I can be tricked

as much as the next fellow, and...

...I don't want to be in the bathroom.

Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!"

"Hold on here, maestro! I... "

"I thought we were talking about

a butterscotch pudding or something. "

"I don't care much for you, Captain,

I'll tell you that right now. "

"I'll continue, I'm a man of my word,

but I'll say this. "

"I'll say this, Chief. "

"Were my word not my bond,

then none of this... "

"I'm doing it reluctantly.

I don't know if you noticed that, but... "

Sex to me is...

First of all, I'm an old man, you know?

I... I'm like uh... threescore and...

twelve, or something like that.

I'm trying to get "score" going again.

I feel that Lincoln,

when he thought that up,

he thought that was going to go.

You know what I mean?

Like, his wife was like,

"Why don't you just say '87'?"

He's like,

"Why don't you shut the f*ck up?"

"Last I checked,

I was the orator in the family

and you were the fucking insane lady. "

"When I say fourscore and seven,

believe me...

'score' is going to catch on big time. "

But...

it never did.

Here's another little presidential thing.

You know there's a story

about George Washington,

and they say,

"Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,"

when he was a little child.

When his parents came home they said,

"Who chopped down the cherry tree?"

and Little George said, "It was I

who chopped down the cherry tree.

I cannot tell a lie. "

And you go, "Wow! What a great story. "

But then you think about it

a little bit, right?

Imagine if you drove home

to your house, right?

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"Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 15 Dec. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/norm_macdonald%3A_hitler%27s_dog%2C_gossip_%252526_trickery_14930>.

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