Neds

1

'Second, Primary 6.

Holly Martin.'

'First, Primary 6, Sean Cairns.'

'Primary 7. Second, John McGill.'

So proud of you, son!

And first place, Primary 7,

Rebecca Bailey.

Oh, Headmaster? Could we have

a photo with you, please?

- Oh, thanks a lot.

- Thank you.

All right, everyone look at me.

And everyone say, "To success."

To success!

That your book, aye?

Is it, aye?

Is that cos you're a clever c*nt?

Or you think you're a f***ing clever c*nt.

- Where are you from?

- Carden.

F***ing poofs.

I hate every one of them.

Going to big school after the summer?

That's my f***ing school...

- Good luck, McGill.

- Are you f***ing listening to me?

Do you know who I am?

Do you know, no?

I'm Canta from Hardridge and I like

battering swotty c*nts like you!

When you're in my school,

you'll get your c*nt kicked in.

Every single day. First day,

I'm gonna break your legs.

F***ing demolish you.

Rip your head off.

I swear to God you're dead, wee man.

First day, you're f***ing dead!

Your mum was saying

you wanna be a journalist.

We have the best journalists

in America.

They're not afraid to investigate

anything to get to the truth.

And they love the Scots.

They love us cos we tell it like it is.

And we don't bow down to anybody.

Your dreams are gonna come true,

you know.

Anything you want.

Just work hard.

- The body of Christ.

- Amen.

- The body of Christ.

- Amen.

- The body of Christ.

- Amen.

- The body of Christ.

- Amen.

- The body of Christ.

- Amen.

'For months now,

I've been living on a desert island.

'And my solitude, far from diminishing,

grows from day to day...'

What have you got this fire on for,

John?

I can't be doing with this.

You know we can't afford that.

And why have you got

the curtains closed, eh?

What are you doing

sitting here in the dark?

- Excuse me.

- What is it, pal?

- Do you know Benny McGill'?

- Benny McGill'?

Come here a minute, pal.

Come here.

Stand there.

- Who are you?

- I'm his wee brother.

Are you?

- No, you're not.

- I am.

Benny McGill's wee brother

is a smart wee c*nt.

How do you no know

I'm not on my way

to go stab f*** out of him right now?

And how do you know

I wouldn't take it out on you?

See that there?

That's a f***ing blade.

Know what that's used for? For gutting

daft wee boys like you, you wee c*nt!

Luckily for you, I'm a good guy.

Me and Benny are good pals.

I'm Fergie, all right?

You're all right with me, wee man.

Don't f***ing start greeting on me.

Come here.

You want to go find your brother?

- Yeah.

- He's f***ing hanging down about there.

We'll go look for him.

Never seen a bread knife before.

What you like, you wee c*nt?

Hurry up, wee man.

Any of youse two seen Benny?

You just missed him.

He's in town with Minty.

- Sorry, you've missed him.

- Can I leave a message for him?

Tell there's a boy gonna do me in

the day I go back to school.

- What's his name?

- Canta.

Canta? Youse two heard

of a c*nt called Canta?

No, never heard of him.

He's trying to wind you up.

Don't take any f***ing notice of him.

Can you tell Benny, please?

Wee man, I've been smoking dope

since age of 11.

How the f*** am I gonna

remember that?

- Have you not got a pen?

- Do I look like a c*nt with a f***ing pen?

- Any of youse two got a pen?

- I've got an eyeliner pencil.

- Gonna give us it, then?

- F*** off, that cost a fortune.

F***'s sake!

F***ing knife is mightier than the pen.

All right. With a 'K' or a 'C'?

Er...don't know.

F*** it, we'll do it with a 'K'.

That's got straight lines in it.

Here we go.

- 'A',

- I know how to spell, f***'s sake!

- There we go, Canta.

- From Hardridge.

Get to f***! That's got f***ing

'S's and 'L's and f*** knows what in it.

You'll do my f***ing ma's

new kitchen knife in.

We'll put down Paka, eh?

'P',

- Who's Paka?

- Paka's not a 'who'. it's a 'they'.

That's the f***ing team from Hardridge.

Is that me done?

Can I go back to doing f*** all?

Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Can you believe that's

f***ing Benny's wee brother?

Wee boy needs a f***ing good slap.

F***ing blame the parents, so I do.

'I can see you're ready to go,

'so I'll wish you all good luck

in your latest venture.'

'Thank you very much'

'World of History is proud

to present the premier...

...'of the Townswomerfs Guild

re-enactment

...'of the Battle of Pearl Harbour.'

F***ing arsehole.

Think you can dig my wee brother?

You f***ing dick!

Watch how it's done, wee man.

OK, ready?

- Are you f***ing shiteing it now?

- One, two, three...

Stand up, stand up! Two, three...

Look at the state of you,

you f***ing shitebag poof.

You wee f***ing c*nt.

One, two, three...

F***ing get over it now,

you wee f***ing c*nt.

You f***ing arsehole.

Here, mate. You're f***ing lucky.

Get to f***, move!

Benny, come on. Come on!

My name is Mr Gallagher.

I am Headmaster of the boys' annex.

This is where you will be

for the next 2 years.

When you go into third year, you will

be over there in the main building.

I will assign each of you a class,

first by reading out the class,

then the names of the boys

who will be in that class.

First is 1A1, top class.

In youse come.

Quickly. Hurry up! Move!

Quicken Hurry up. In!

Quietly! Sit down. Find a seat.

Get in, hurry up.

- You not got a seat?

- No, sir.

- What's your name?

- John McGill.

- Sir?

- Yes?

They read his name out for 1A2.

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