National Lampoon's Gold Diggers

Synopsis: A pair of losers marry two elderly sisters, thinking they'll inherit their fortune and Beverly Hills estate.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
90 min


George Calvin Menhoffer:

All we evervvanted was love.

Oh, and sex.

And money.

Money first, then sex, and then love.

Orvvas it love and then

sex and then money?

No, no. Definitely money first.

I was conceived in Las Vegas, Nevada.

In less than two hours

my birth parents met,

Consummated, and

ended their relationship.

And nine months later on the

mainstage of the pussycat club,

Mom's water broke,

And with awhoosh, I was born.

That's me, George Calvin Menhoffer.

Cal for short.

My best friend's parents

met at this drive-in theater.

It's nowa Starbucks.

We think it was in this public bathroom

Inside this filthy stall,

Where sperm met egg

And little Leonard Smallwood came to be.

He's so cute you just

want to shmoosh him.

Here's the orphanage where

Lenny and I grewup together.

It's nowa Starbucks.

That's me and Len around age six,

And that's old sister Mary.

Ugh...what aface.

At 16 we hit the road in

search of the American dream.

Big bucks, cool parties,

fast oars, and women.

More specifically, that woman.

Oh, you won't believe the things I'll do

To spend a night with her.

We quickly realized life can

be cruel to a couple of orphans--

Road kill crew, Norman, Oklahoma.

Sanitation engineers,

Kansas City, Kansas.

Minimum wage and

all-you-can-eat salad bar.

Human shark bait, P.T. Cartwrighfs

freak showand circus.

Wabash, Indiana.

Those freaks, uh, good people.

After seven years,

the American dream

Was nowhere in sight.

But things were about to change.

Destiny led us west to the

dream capital of the world--

South central Los Angeles.

Broke, desperate, and starving,

I came up with an ingenious, flawless

Brilliant plan

that would ultimately

change our lives forever.

I don't knowabout this, Cal.

If you wanna buy food, Len,

you gotta have money.

Ifsjust the way society works today.

But we've never done

anything like this before.

I'm sick of working for

minimum wage, man.

We're bustin'our asses

and gettin'nowhere.

Riding public transportation

with a bunch of pathetic losers.

No offense.

I like your hat.

We deserve betteryou and me.

Don't worry, buddy.

I got big plans for us.

You gottatrust me, okay?

I'm with ya all the way, Cal.

I'm tellin'ya, man.

Our luck is about to change.

We are this close to having our

share of the American dream

And all the goodies

that go along with it.

Does that include fries?

Damn straight, buddy.

Think of today, this very moment

ls our-first step straight to the top.

And let's never-forget what

sister Mary used to tell us--

Take this, you little piece of shit?

Such an unhappy woman.

You know what, though?

We're gonna showher.

Success is the best revenge.

You're a genius, Cal.

I know, buddy. I know.


Here we go.

She looks nice, I guess.

Come on. Once you get

through this first one,

the next one's gonna

be easy, all right?

It's gonna be like taking

candy from a baby, Len.

Let's do this on three, okay?

All right.


Go. Just go.

(slowmotion) what the...?

' Got it!

' Got it!


Oh, my god!

that man took my arm!

Somebody stop him!

Somebody help! He got my arm!

Is anybody gonna help?!

(stuttering) I'm sorry.

L--I'm sorry.


I can't believe you stole my arm!

And you're gonna... I gave it back!

I can't believe you!

Hang in there, Len. I'm 0omin'!

Don't hurt him! He'sjust a boy!


Hey, Steve.

Open gate one.

See ya, Marty.


An amputee! W-what are the odds?

Every day with the amputee.

I keep telling you

it's a million to one.

Come on, we gotta get

our act together, man.

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    "National Lampoon's Gold Diggers" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 18 Jan. 2021. <'s_gold_diggers_14601>.

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