Myra Breckinridge

I've got a secret place

Known to none but me

And in my secret place

You can beg

and torture me

I wouldn't tell you

where to go

'Cause in my

secret place ,

A secret place

A secret you know

A secret place

A secret you know

You realize once we cut it off,

it won't grow back?

It isn't like hair or fingernails

or toenails,you know.

What do you think I am,

some kind of idiot? I know that.

How about circumcision?

It'd be cheaper.

Come on, come on, come on.

Let's get it over with. Myra's waiting.

We'll have to blow up

your tits with silicone.

- I thought they used paraffin.

- No, that would make them inflammable.

You don't want inflammable

tits, now, do you?

I got a secret place

- Known to none but me

- Cleaver--

- I mean, scalpel.

-;And in my secret;

Well, I should think so.

Well, wish me luck.

Ive never clone one of these before.

;You can beg

and torture me

- You know American song?

Yes, I do. It's called

You Gotta S-M-l-L-E.

[ Woman Narrating] I am Myra Breckinridge,

whom no man will ever possess...

the new woman whose

astonishing history...

started with

a surgeon's scalpel...

and will end who knows where?

lust as Eve was born

from Adam's rib...

so Myron died

to give birth to Myra.

Did Myron take his own life?"

you will ask.

Yes and no is my answer.

Beyond that my lips are sealed.

Let's it suffice for me to say

that Myron is with me...

and that I am the fulfillment

of all his dreams.

Who is Myra Breckinridge?

What is she?

Myra Breckinridge is a dish.

And don't you ever forget it,

you-- [ Beep] f***ers...

as the children say nowadays.

Don't mother me.

It seems to be coming

this way.

[ Myra Narrating]

My purpose in coming to Hollywood...

is the destruction of the American male

in all its particulars...

starting with

my late husbands uncle...

the notorious Buck Loner,

who squats in unashamed luxury...

as the head of a dramatic school

in fashionable Westwood.

A tree!

An actor can learn from everything,

including a tree.

You must learn to experience

the truth of a tree...

to make it work for you,

to use it, to know its beauty.

This tree, goddamn it!

Ah, Myra baby, "

I say to myself...

half of all of this

will soon be yours. "

Howdy Doody.

Come right on in, little lady.

Take the weight off them

pretty little feet...

while I finish my last mile

back to the old corral.

So, you wanna be a star?

Mmm.

It's a hard road.

And I feel I should say, No, siree.

But somethin'-- somethin' about you

tells me I should give you a chance.

What do you say? Can you take

the heartache and the torture...

and the heat of them

five-kilowatt lamps over at MGM?

From where I sit, I'd say you can.

I can see your name

in lights now.

Fact is,you remind me of one of our former

successful students, a Miss Gloria Swanson.

- You've heard the name, I 'm sure.

- She was one of your students?

You bet your sweet ass.

My students is always sayin',

Uncle Buck, if it weren't for you...

we'd still be warmin' that seat

back in Schwab's Drugstore.

Really? I thought that was where

Lana Turner was discovered.

Her too. Her too.

Well, I'll be goldurned.

You really done your homework.

Yes, little lady...

Lana Turner put her sweet little fanny

right where you're sitting now.

Lana, I says, what say we put you

in a sweater and make a movie?

- And we did.

- What's your name honey?

- Myra Breckinridge.

- That's a might long for--

- Breckinridge?

Yes. I'm the widow

of your late nephew Myron...

and I've come to collect

a half a million dollars.

- You mean Gertrude's boy is dead?

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