My Man Is a Loser

This, my friends, is New York City,

the most populous city

in the United States.

8.2 million people,

4. 72 million of which are married.

One of which is not me. Why?

Because it's New York City and I own a bar,

which is sort of like being, you know,

my own episode of The Bachelor.

Now there is my brother- in- law Paul.

That look on his face is called

"Married, lost and how did I get here?"

Sorry. Hell-

And that guy right there,

that handsome kid, that's me, Mike.

Why do my friends come to me for advice?

Because when you're this single,

trust me, you've seen it all.

I'll get a hotel.

What? No, come in. This is Amy.

Laura.

I gotta crash for the night.

For sure. Come on.

- You okay?

- I don't know.

I hate to say it,

but the second

some men put on a wedding ring,

it cuts off all circulation to the brain.

It's like... He pretends to listen,

but then I could literally quiz him

about what I just said

and he would have no idea.

Well, I'm not good at taking tests, okay,

that's a real thing. You can google it.

I don't have to, Paul.

Well, you should, because it's real.

There are three paths

to a healthy relationship.

There's the path she's on,

which you need to respect,

and then there's you, yourself...

Okay, well, here's the problem.

I don't know what my path is. Okay?

I lost sight of what my path was or is

or where it was going.

- I've been path- f***ed.

- Wow! See?

Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

- Who says that?

- I do.

There are these things

that should stay inside your head,

but instead they keep coming out

into the outside world.

Oh, my God, well, we're in therapy

so I figured, you know, call me crazy,

I could speak my mind,

but I guess I can't. I should be censored.

Do you have a gag for me? Okay?

You wanna hear

what really goes on with me?

You wanna know my inside voice?

If I may? If I'm allowed to?

My business is down 25%, okay?

I know, it's not your

problem, I understand.

It doesn't stop her spending like wildfire,

which I'd like to get to in a second.

But here's the bottom line.

I sent my daughter to private school.

I'll pay for that, I get it.

Education is important.

But now I have to pay for singing lessons,

piano and dance!

And you know why?

Because apparently

my daughter is going to be the next Idol,

- or Voice or Duets at $1,600 a month!

- We should nurture her gift.

- Nurture? We're not the Jackson 5!

- It is rare...

Okay, time out, time out! Time out.

Take a breath.

You, too, Paul.

Good. I hear your financial concerns, Paul,

I really do.

And I hear you wanting to be heard.

I think you're making great progress,

so we'll just take up where we left off

next week at this time.

Okay, well, just give me 30 more seconds,

because I want to finish the point

I started with in the beginning.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't work that way.

See the secretary on the way out,

and just stay positive all week,

and really... I'm really pleased.

Okay. Well, that's good news.

All that laughing and all that stuff.

I could have gotten to the fifth path.

Well, fortunately for you,

there's only three paths.

Just three. Three.

There's hers. Yours.

And yours and hers, together.

Now, Paul's not the only one

who needs help.

Meet Marty,

Paul's business partner and my good friend.

Did you make sure

Alex got his chips in the bag?

He's the CEO of a large marketing company.

A big- shot in the business world,

but at home,

he's just another schmuck making PB&J.

He's all chipped up. What are you doing?

- And his Fruit Roll- Up?

- All rolled up.

We got all the food groups.

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