My Best Friend's Girl

Oh, let's just get in there, baby.

Let's go. Hustle. Here we go.

I love angry sex. This is the best.

Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh?

Oh, yeah... Okay.

Give up, already.

Yeah, you know.

I like this girl. Really do.

Sometimes you just know.

I'm not finished.

I tried like a motherfucker

to follow you up...

...but this door, it does a little thing

with the lock when you're inside.

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.

We start with a blowjob.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?

And most girls

find it rewarding the way I do it...

...because I turn what is normally

a chore into, like, a training session.

It's like my own special Head Start

program. Even got Chloraseptic spray.

Do that really well,

we move on to the nasty stuff.

Bring my buddies over, maybe

take some "artsy" pictures, you know?

Do some artsy live streaming video.

Totally tasteful.

Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy.

That way you could

get that can opener fixed...

...lipo the back end,

maybe refurbish the balcony.

- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?

- Yeah.

Real quick, yes to bad timing

or yes, you wanna go...?

- F*ck you!

- Exactly.

- Why won't you just die already?

- I accept your rebuke of my advances.

But for future reference, could you

at least give me a reason why?

How about 10?

I love angry sex. This is the best.

It's gonna be great. Just...

Hey, we're going Dutch

on gas money, you know.

Is that your phone?

- Don't you answer?

- I don't know.

Or are you more interested

in me right now?

- I'm...

- Answer your phone. That's my phone.

Shit. Hold on one second. I got it.

Hello.

Hey. Yeah, I got it. I'm a knee guy.

- You need...

- Listen to me. Listen, Sarah...

Shut the f*ck up.

I'm not even listen...

Oh, my God! Why aren't you...?

Dick!

- Listen. Sarah, are you pregnant?

- Oh, my God.

I'll just be a minute.

You know what, you expect me

to swallow that horseshit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm predictable.

Well, then fucking marry me!

- Didn't see that one coming, did you?

- What are you doing?

How am I supposed to know

it was your sister? How was I?

Okay, it was dark, I was drunk

and I thought it was you.

- Oh, she's pregnant too. Talk to her.

- What? No.

Okay, you tell your sister...

...that I'll make a donation

to Planned Parenthood in her honor.

Sarah, my ex.

Big cunt.

Rachel, I apologize.

Sometimes when you try

a new restaurant, it's a gamble.

And today we lost.

I'm thinking to avoid

any sexual obligation, that's you.

Oh, my God.

- Everything okay?

- I can't eat this. I can't.

Perhaps I can interest you in some of

our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries?

She could use a little more famine

and a little less fried.

Tank.

Okay. Since you have yet to

ask me anything at all...

...I just thought I should tell you

a little bit about myself.

I'm a social worker.

- Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

- Yeah?

It's very... It's challenging work...

...but it's so important.

- Whoa, whoa, there, big time.

I'm a customer satisfaction rep

at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.

That is important work.

Because without air, we cannot live.

What can I get for you tonight?

Is the corned beef quesadilla,

is that any good?

Or what do you recommend?

Do you mean unspoiled? For example,

if you said, "Is this milk any good?"...

...your concern would not be with taste

but rather your personal safety.

Hi, my name is Pedro O'Malley.

I'll be your server for tonight.

Something to drink?

Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap.

Okay, no, I don't drink...

...but thank you.

- I wasn't ordering for you.

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