MAIN CREDITS ROLL
over BLACK SCREEN, with PORTENTOUS SPOOKY MUSIC underneath. Just as the
music reaches its crescendo, we hear a simian SCREECH.
A BUCK-TOOTHED CARTOON MONKEY swings past on a vine. TITLE WIPES IN with
TIGHT CLOSEUP - STANLEY (ANIMATED)
A POCKETWATCH swings back and forth in F.G. Gaping at it is a goofy,
bespectacled CARTOON CHARACTER, sucking his thumb as his EYES move back
and forth. After a moment, the LEFT EYE freezes in place - but the right
eye keeps going back and forth with the watch.
SHRINK'S VOICE (o.s.)
Back, Stanley...you're going back...back to when
it all began. Are you going back yet? Come on,
get back, ve haven't got all day.
Now BOTH EYES are locked in place. The patient is hypnotized.
INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY (ANIMATED)
A squat, lumpy TEACHER, MISS HUDLAPP, is straining to erase the
Gettysburg Address, which is written along the very top of the
blackboard. There's an obtrusive, rhythmic BANGING noice in B.G.
It was third grade. The teacher was Miss
Hudlapp. She was kinda squat and lumpy - she
smelled funny - but she was kind.
(turning around suddenly)
How many times have I told you? In this class we
do not pound tenpenny nails into Stanley's head!
REVERSE ANGLE - ON STANLEY
Hapless ten-year-old STANLEY, still goofy and bespectacled, in his
front-row desk. NAILS stick out of his head. The FOUR MEAN KIDS poised
around him lower their hammers and return to their seats, grumbling.
A dreamy SMILE crosses STANLEY's face as he gazes at MISS HUDLAPP.
You know how some teachers have those, kind of,
flaps on their arms - those big sacks of limp
flab that like, dangle?
As MISS HUDLAPP pulls her sweater off, TWO MASSIVE ARM-FLAPS - fifty
gallons of flab apiece - SPILL OUT and SMACK INTO THE FLOOR.
MISS HUDDLAPP claps two erasers together, kicking up a cloud of dust.
Young STANLEY watches, transfixed by her massive ARM FLAPS. We TRACK IN
on the gigantic ARM FLAPS as they swing hypnotically back and forth,
with a loud SLAP each time they collide.
It sounds weird...but for some reason, as I
watched those big old flaps of hers, I began to
Now we TRACK IN on the mesmerized STANLEY. A SONG comes up underneath:
Donna Summer, "I FEEL LOVE."
And then the horror began.
DOINK! STANLEY looks down at his LAP in horror. The boys and girls
around him are pointing and tittering.
Grimacing in embarrassment, he discreetly places a heavy TEXTBOOK onto
his lap, suppressing the bulge in his pants. But SPROING!! - the BOOK
goes flying across the room. The BULGE is fighting back!
The kids DUCK AND COVER beneath their desks as STANLEY slams a STACK of
textbooks onto his lap. It's no use - the WHOLE STACK goes flying, and
BOOKS come raining down on the entire class! Now MISS HUDLAPP is staring
directly at him...
Young man. What's that in your lap?
She marches toward him. STANLEY pulls his BACKPACK over his lap.