MoDeRn WaRfArE 3: kItTy StOmPeRs

Synopsis: Soldiers around the world continue trying to prevent Random World War Every Freaking FPS Game Seems To Be About as kitties begin to meow louder than usual in this action thriller-comedy spoof of the masterpiece trilogy.
Year:
2011
7 Views


CAPTAIN MACTAVISH, who is MORTALLY WOUNDED, is being taken to a SAFEHOUSE by CAPTAIN PRICE.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What took you guys so long to get me here?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

We had to wait for the intro logos to get through all the development studios that contributed to this game. Took fucking ages.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Right, I pity anyone who's planning to wait past the credits.

CAPTAIN PRICE:

And after that, we were asked like five times whether we wanted to skip any disturbing content.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

And do you?

CAPTAIN PRICE:

Hell no! So there shouldn't be any qualms about stabbing your gaping chest wound with an adrenaline syringe.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH briefly passes out and sees a FLASHBACK of him throwing a KNIFE into GENERAL SHEPHERD'S EYE SOCKET. The FLASHBACK then quickly REVERSES so it looks like SHEPHERD CATCHES the KNIFE with his EYELIDS and THROWS IT BACK. FUCKING BADASS.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I'm still too weak to fight. You'll have to introduce a new player character to serve as a third-person viewpoint on me.

YURI:

I believe I can be of assistance!

VLADIMIR MAKAROV'S MEN then attack the SAFEHOUSE. YURI helps CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH escape.

EXT. WALL STREET - NEW YORK

The RUSSIAN ARMY has invaded MANHATTAN for some reason and made it look exactly like a scene from TRANSFORMERS, except without the TRANSFORMERS. DELTA FORCE OPERATIVE "SANDMAN" is bossing around DEREK "FROST" WESTBROOK.

SANDMAN:

The Russians have installed a radio jammer on top of the Stock Exchange! This must be a commentary on the current economical crisis, but I'm not sure how!

FROST:

Whoa, we're dropping straight into the action? Don't I first need to be taught the gameplay mechanics in a contrived training session?

SANDMAN:

If you haven't gotten down the basics of "press button, guys die" by now, then what are you even doing here?

SANDMAN and FROST fight their way to the TOP of the STOCK EXCHANGE.

SANDMAN:

There's the radio jammer. Plant some thermite on it, Frost.

FROST:

Thermite? We better keep our distance then.

SANDMAN:

Relax. The guys behind Dead Space helped out with this game's development. That means you can stand as close to thermite as you want when it goes off.

FROST destroys the JAMMER and climbs aboard a HELICOPTER.

SANDMAN:

Man the minigun, Frost! We've got multiple enemy rotorwings in pursuit!

FROST:

What the f*ck are rotorwings? Oh, you mean helicopters.

FROST fights off the ENEMY HELICOPTERS.

SANDMAN:

Now we need to go to a place and do a thing and kill lots of dudes on the way there.

FROST:

Yes, that's what we always do. You need to dress it up in incomprehensible military lingo.

SANDMAN:

Oh right.

(beat)

Ivan's got a Oscar-II sub in our AO. OPCON needs us to link up with the SEALs and infil. Phase line echo secure.

FROST:

I'm on it! I think.

And while that's happening...

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PLANE - RUSSIAN AIRSPACE

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY is meeting with his CABINET to discuss a PEACE TREATY.

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

We must foster peace if we are to survive --

(beat)

I'm sorry, why is this man constantly jumping around and circling the table?

ANDREI HARKOV:

Oh, I'm a player character. I do that.

Suddenly, GUNFIRE is heard.

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

Gunshots! Is this a reverse Air Force One? Have the Americans come for me?

ANDREI HARKOV:

No, it appears Makarov has somehow stowed a small army aboard this plane. He's trying to kidnap you.

As HARKOV fights off the HIJACKERS, the PLANE starts to STALL OUT, which causes momentary WEIGHTLESSNESS.

ANDREI HARKOV:

Fighting bad guys in zero-g? I wonder what the inception of that idea was!

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