MoDeRn WaRfArE 2

Synopsis: Soldiers around the world begin trying to prevent Random World War That Every Single Freaking Game Seems To Be About in this action thriller-comedy spoof of Modern Warfare.
Year:
2009
3 Views


Note:
This isn't the actual MW2, but a spoof that I decided to publish because I thought maybe someone would get a kick out of it, I dunno.

FADE IN:

EXT. AFGHANISTAN - DAY

For no other reason than to be somewhat topical and relevant, we start in AFGHANISTAN with an obligatory TRAINING SECTION. DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD throws a DART at a LIST OF PLAYER CHARACTERS and it lands on PRIVATE ALLEN.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

We’re now actually naming the Middle-Eastern country we’re in? Whew, I don’t have to worry about dying from a nuclear blast.

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Private Allen, show these indigenous soldiers the superiority of the American way by aiming down your sights.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

What if I don't want to?

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Nothing is going to happen until you do as you're told.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Ah, good to see we're still adhering to the strict level of trigger-based linearity the Call of Duty series has come to be known for.

SERGEANT FOLEY:

(Chuckles)

Oh, you just wait.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

What's that supposed to mean?

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Nothing. Mount up!

SERGEANT FOLEY leads his squad into an AFGHAN CITY to kill MILITANTS until they die from it. PRIVATE ALLEN excels in blindly following orders and takes the notice of GENERAL SHEPHERD.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Private Allen, I am recruiting you into Task Force 141. Your job will be to go undercover and infiltrate an extremely dangerous terrorist group led by one Vladimir Makarov. You will earn his trust and work alongside him while gathering intelligence.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Uhm, please be kidding. I'm a grunt. My only method of communication is through a gun. Such undercover operations are carried out by highly trained professionals who have the endurance and psychological faculty to project and maintain a secondary identity. I don't even speak any Russian.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Oh, don't worry. You don't need to speak at all for this sort of thing. But you apparently do need a giant tattoo across your chest.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KAZAKHSTAN MOUNTAIN RANGE - DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and GARY “ROACH” SANDERSON are perched over a steep-as-f*ck DROP on a narrow-as-f*ck LEDGE made entirely out of slippery-as-f*ck ICE.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Break’s over, Roach. Let's go.

ROACH:

This was a break? Mother of God, I’ve withered my fingers to the bone holding on for dear life!

They clamber up an ICE WALL, reenact a ridiculous scene from the movie VERTICAL LIMIT and then infiltrate an airbase occupied by ENEMY SOLDIERS to retrieve part of a CRASHED SATELLITE. ROACH bumbles around like an IDIOT and is SHOT REPEATEDLY.

ROACH:

Oh God, their guns shoot strawberry jam! IT’S IN MY EYES!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I think that's blood. Just go sit in a corner and wait for it to ooze off.

Then, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH' HAT flies off. ROACH starts LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What? Is it the mohawk?

ROACH:

It's not the mohawk. It's your -- accent.

(Beat)

Okay, it's totally the mohawk. What the hell, dude? You think you're a World War 2 paratrooper or something?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Look, they wanted to give me a distinguishing visual characteristic, and a fucking mohawk's the best they could come up with.

They find the SATELLITE stored in a hangar adjacent to a LAB where its ACS MODULE was analyzed.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Roach, go get the ACS module. It'll be whatever's glowing bright yellow.

ROACH:

Wait a second. The Russians took this satellite and emulated its technology specifically to avoid the U.S.' tracking systems and facilitate an invasion of its capital. But there are no grounds for hostilities unless, God forbid, some nutter soon plans to frame an American in a terrorist attack on Russian soil. So is Russia itself preparing an invasion regardless of any provocation?

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