Miss March

Synopsis: A young man awakens from a four-year coma to hear that his once virginal high-school sweetheart has since become a centerfold in one of the world's most famous men's magazines. He and his sex-crazed best friend decide to take a cross-country road trip in order to crash a party at the magazine's legendary mansion headquarters and win back the girl.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Production: 20th Century Fox
  2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
90 min

Careful, Tucker.

The floor is hot lava. You can't touch

the ground, or you'll burn up.

We gotta get to Craig's room

to get the treasure before we burn up.

- What's the treasure?

- Craig just got a MichaelJordan rookie card.

It cost him, like, a hundred bucks.


Did you know that in

MichaelJordan's first year with the Bulls...

MichaelJordan had 138 rebounds?

Yeah. But you know who

the Bulls rebound leader is, though?

- Yeah. Scottie Pippen.

- Yeah.

- Where's the card?

- It's in the closet in a shoe box.

He's got the MichaelJordan rookie card

and a Hank Aaron card.

It's not in mint condition,

but it's a good card.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- Your brother's got a playboy.

- No, he doesn't.

- What's a playboy?

- A magazine with naked ladies.

What? He doesn't have that.

Look. Dude, I think your brother

can go to jail for this.

Shut up. Don't open it.

Is that what girls look like?

They look so weird.

How do they pee?

It must come out of those.


Oh, my God.

Look at that one.

- Tucker, you just stepped on hot lava. You're on fire.

- Whatever.

Oh, my God.

Look at the ass on that thing.

- Hello.

- What?

You could bounce a quarter off

that sweet turd-cutter.

Tucker, stop it.

That's Eleanore, our friend.

Her mom's my piano teacher.

Oh, man. I want her to

French-kiss my dick so bad.

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

Jenny's tits are the exact

same size as Miss November's.

- I don't care.

- This means that this is whatJenny looks like naked.

- That's amazing.

- That is amazing.

- Hi, Stacy.

- Drop dead.

- Hi, Sheila.

- Eat me, Tucker.

- Set the time and place.

- The two of you can eat shit and die.


Thank you. You know

she's friends with Cindi.

Now she's gonna tell her,

I'm gonna hear all about this. Good job.

Relax. Your girlfriend's gonna know

it wasn't you. She knows your deal.

Hey, Candace. Looking good.

Heard you went on the pill.

What the f*ck did you just say to me?

Nothing. L-I didn't say anything.

Candace, uh, sorry.

I won't go out with you.

I just- I don't dig handicapped chicks.

I have epilepsy, you limp-dicked shit.

I'm not handicapped. It's a condition.

Tucker, if you so much as

make eye contact with me again...

my brother will kill you.

- He's a firefighter, and they're crazy.

- Okay, okay.

Deal. Deal. Deal.

Geez. What a bitch.

- What was that?

- Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Man, why do you even do these sermons?

They don't even pay you.

Tucker, I have told you.

They're not sermons, they're seminars.

I do them because I believe in them, and

I think kids need to hear this message.

I wish my brother

had had a seminar like this.


And now I'd like to bring up

Eugene Bell and Cindi Whitehall...

a young couple who will be graduating

from our high school this year.

Let's give a nice, warm

Jefferson County Middle School welcome...

to Eugene and Cindi.

Come on!

Hey, gang.

We're here today to talk to you about one of

the most important decisions that you can make.

Now, I know at your age you guys

probably think all the older guys and gals...

are out there having sex.

But Cindi and I...

have been in a relationship

for two and a half years now...

and we've decided to

save ourselves for marriage.

That's right, Eugene.

We have a happy, healthy romance...

and we don't need intercourse

to prove that.

I'd like to tell you guys

a story right now if I can.

This is a true story that happened to

my older brother, Craig.

Craig was a nice, normal kid,

just like me or you.

Then one night, he and his

girlfriend of two years...

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Zach Cregger

Zachary Michael Cregger (born March 1, 1981) is an American actor, writer, director, and producer. He first came to prominence as a member of the New York City-based comedy troupe The Whitest Kids U' Know. He later starred in the sitcoms Friends with Benefits and Guys with Kids. He also starred in the film Miss March, which he directed and wrote with fellow WKUK member Trevor Moore. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Miss March" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 31 Oct. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/miss_march_13846>.

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