
Mini's First Time
As many of you know,
the past few months of my life
have been very difficult.
l don't know how l would have gotten
through it without all of you.
l really think it's a testament
of the love in this institution
as the first straight-C student
in school history
to be voted
valedictorian.
While l may not have
excelled in the classroom,
l think that
my recent experiences
in that bigger schoolhouse
we call life
has taught me a few lessons l'd like
to share with my fellow graduates:
Follow your heart
and don't question it,
no matter where
it tells you to go.
Trust me, it'll open up a world of new
experiences you can't even imagine.
l bet you're wondering what
a straight-C student is doing
giving
a valedictorian speech.
lt wasn't easy,
believe me.
But with desire, focus
and the willingness to treat
any obstacle as an opportunity,
it's amazing what
you can accomplish.
See, l was blessed
with a terrific mom--
not only is she a lush,
but she also hates me.
A couple of days
before my birthday,
a male stripper.
Nothing says
''l love you''
like 10'' of man meat
popping out of a cake.
And knowing
dear old Mom,
she'll try and nail him
after the party,
but not before she tends
to more important business
with her new best friend
Jelena Mariskova Flachsman,
of our family lawyer lrv Flachsman.
Peggy told me
you found a new masseur.
- l hear he's...
- You heard right.
So can l have
his number?
Ahem...
we'll see.
That guy next
to Flachsman--
our neighbor
Mike Rudell--
big-shot TV producer
and the guy my mom screws
whenever the batteries
run out.
l'm totally addicted
to his new show.
Welcome to
''Absolutely Positive,''
the show where we give couples
who are about to get married
one last chance
to make sure they're...
- Absolutely positive!
- That's right!
See, l just don't
understand people
who live their lives
as one big routine.
They're basically saying,
''l'm not worthy of a unique
experience on this earth.''
Well, sorry,
but l am.
What the hell is going on?
l told you to wait!
For God's sake,
she's not even here, you moron!
Shake it, baby!
to LA from Ohio
when she was 20
to become an actress.
After a few years, she got knocked up
by a sleezeball producer
who told her she couldn't be on his show
unless she hoovered me out.
Mom was no genius,
but she was smart enough
to realize that
was better than a couple of weeks
on his dumb show,
so l got to
stick around.
What Mom didn't count on
was the prick having a heart attack
and croaking
a year after l was born.
Look at me--
see what a happy baby l was?
That's because l wasn't old enough
to understand why she had me.
Here's me
on my first day of school.
Why am l smiling?
Because l got to spend
seven hours a day
with adults who didn't reek
That's me at my friend
Kayla's house.
There weren't
any sleepovers at my house.
l couldn't risk it after one
of the scumbags Mom brought home
tried to feel me up
after she passed out.
Kayla's dad
took this one, too.
Mom was sucking off
her producer to get an audition
for some lame show
called ''Bikini Cove.''
Got there late
Anyway, as far
as my graduation,
this time she had a great excuse
for missing it.
Mini! Mini!
When l call you,
l expect you to answer.
Sorry.
Don't patronize me.
- Sorry.
- lf you're trying to get me to call you
a spoiled little ungrateful bitch,
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"Mini's First Time" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 25 Feb. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/mini's_first_time_13804>.