Mini's First Time

As many of you know,

the past few months of my life

have been very difficult.

l don't know how l would have gotten

through it without all of you.

l really think it's a testament

of the love in this institution

that l stand before you today

as the first straight-C student

in school history

to be voted

valedictorian.

While l may not have

excelled in the classroom,

l think that

my recent experiences

in that bigger schoolhouse

we call life

has taught me a few lessons l'd like

to share with my fellow graduates:

Follow your heart

and don't question it,

no matter where

it tells you to go.

Trust me, it'll open up a world of new

experiences you can't even imagine.

l bet you're wondering what

a straight-C student is doing

giving

a valedictorian speech.

lt wasn't easy,

believe me.

But with desire, focus

and the willingness to treat

any obstacle as an opportunity,

it's amazing what

you can accomplish.

See, l was blessed

with a terrific mom--

not only is she a lush,

but she also hates me.

A couple of days

before my birthday,

l overhear her ordering me

a male stripper.

Nothing says

''l love you''

like 10'' of man meat

popping out of a cake.

And knowing

dear old Mom,

she'll try and nail him

after the party,

but not before she tends

to more important business

with her new best friend

Jelena Mariskova Flachsman,

the imported trophy wife

of our family lawyer lrv Flachsman.

Peggy told me

you found a new masseur.

- l hear he's...

- You heard right.

So can l have

his number?

Ahem...

we'll see.

That guy next

to Flachsman--

our neighbor

Mike Rudell--

big-shot TV producer

and the guy my mom screws

whenever the batteries

run out.

l'm totally addicted

to his new show.

Welcome to

''Absolutely Positive,''

the show where we give couples

who are about to get married

one last chance

to make sure they're...

- Absolutely positive!

- That's right!

See, l just don't

understand people

who live their lives

as one big routine.

They're basically saying,

''l'm not worthy of a unique

experience on this earth.''

Well, sorry,

but l am.

What the hell is going on?

l told you to wait!

For God's sake,

she's not even here, you moron!

Shake it, baby!

My mother moved out

to LA from Ohio

when she was 20

to become an actress.

After a few years, she got knocked up

by a sleezeball producer

who told her she couldn't be on his show

unless she hoovered me out.

Mom was no genius,

but she was smart enough

to realize that

18 years of child support

was better than a couple of weeks

on his dumb show,

so l got to

stick around.

What Mom didn't count on

was the prick having a heart attack

and croaking

a year after l was born.

Look at me--

see what a happy baby l was?

That's because l wasn't old enough

to understand why she had me.

Here's me

on my first day of school.

Why am l smiling?

Because l got to spend

seven hours a day

with adults who didn't reek

of menthols and cheap Scotch.

That's me at my friend

Kayla's house.

There weren't

any sleepovers at my house.

l couldn't risk it after one

of the scumbags Mom brought home

tried to feel me up

after she passed out.

Kayla's dad

took this one, too.

Mom was sucking off

her producer to get an audition

for some lame show

called ''Bikini Cove.''

Got there late

and missed the whole thing.

Anyway, as far

as my graduation,

this time she had a great excuse

for missing it.

Mini! Mini!

When l call you,

l expect you to answer.

Sorry.

Don't patronize me.

- Sorry.

- lf you're trying to get me to call you

a spoiled little ungrateful b*tch,

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