Meet The Spartans

Synopsis: The heroic Spartan king Leonidas, armed with nothing but leather underwear and a cape, leads a ragtag bunch of 13 Spartan misfit warriors to defend their homeland against thousands of invading Persians whom include the Ghost Rider, Rocky Balboa, the Autobots, and an ugly hunchbacked Paris Hilton and a shaved-head Brittany Spears.
Genre: Comedy
Production: 20th Century Fox
  6 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
86 min


(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)

(fanfare ends)

(woman chanting plaintively

over mournful melody)

(deep whooshing)

(percussion booming)

(plaintive chanting continues)

(percussion booming)

(thunder crashing)

(singing slows, distorting)


In the land of Sparta...

when babies were born...

the elders would

inspect them for defects.

BABY (Scottish accent):

Ah. Are you my mama?

'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat.

(loud retching)

(baby cackles)

If any imperfections were found...

the baby was rejected.

- (grunts)

- (baby yells)

And if the baby...

was Vietnamese...

Brangelina had first dibs.

(thunder crashing)

Cute, huh?

(quiet groan)

Behold Leonidas...


... the perfect Spartan.



From an early age...

Leonidas was taught to fight.

Come on, you little shit! Come on!

You can't beat me.

You're never gonna be

a Spartan, never.

Take this, Granny!


(grunts, thuds)

He was tortured,

taught to show no pain.

Tell me, Mr. Bond...

what is the account number?

Who the hell is Mr. Bond?

I'm Leonidas.

You're testing my patience,


But I am not Double-


(crazed laughing)


Little Miss Sunshine!


Oh, oh-

- Here's a nice one. Oh-

- (whimpering)

That's right. Yeah.

No, no, no.


Mr. Bond, I'd like you

to meet Captain Adorable.

- (dog growls)

- Good boy.

Good boy.

Who's a good boy?

- (loud crunch)

- (yelling)

Leonidas was sent into the wild...

to learn how to survive.


He braved the elements...

endured starvation.

No mayo?

This is bullshit!

The beast stalks Leonidas...

red eyes glowing

like the fires of hell.

(suspenseful theme building)

(low squawking)

(suspenseful theme continues)

(upbeat dance music playing)

(Leonidas laughs)

Man, you've got happy feet.

(record needle scratches, music stops)

What you laughin' at, asswipe?

I'm about to shove

my happy foot up your ass...

- cracker.

- Nice penguin.

Where you going, pussy?

(Leonidas yelling)


I'm 'bout to make you

my bitch, Leonidas.

Lick my snowballs.


Now eat my penguin asshole.

(penguin farting repeatedly)

That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.

Oh, it smells!

- (farts)

- Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.

You dead, Leonidas.

Say "Wassup?"

to Anna Nicole for me.


Shit! I'm stuck!

Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!

Help! Help!

(penguin grunting)

(penguin grunts)

Oh! My ass!

My ass hurt! Oh!

Why you wanna do me like that?

Come on, man, I could hook you up.

We could work it out.

I'll suck your dick!

(dramatic choral music playing)

And the boy

that was cast into the wild...

returned a king!


(both grunting)

- (techno dance music playing)

- # Oh! #

#Yeah, yeah #

#Ak' sizzle #

- #The bomb #

- # Get down #

# Baby, down,

I know you love the sound #

#When we do what we do #

- #We get you in the mood #

- #Ak' Sent's in the building #

- # Pick it up, pick it up #

- #Yeah #

- # I know you love the feel #

- # Come on #

# Let's keep it on the real #

#This... is like the bomb #

- # So fresh #

- (deeply):

#The bomb, so dope #

#The bomb, so def #

- #The bomb #

- Boobs.

# So cool, the bomb, so fresh #

#The bomb, so dope #

#The bomb #

Sign my rack?

# So cool #

And they're real, too.

Yes! (laughs)


Marry me?


What's that?

The combination to my chastity belt.

(excited shuddering):


(cheering, whooping)


(cheering slowly fades)

Leonidas was stoked.

He wed Margo,

and she bore him a fine son.

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    "Meet The Spartans" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 30 Sep. 2020. <>.

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