Mean Machine

Synopsis: Disgraced ex-England captain (Danny 'Mean Machine' Meehan) is thrown in jail for assaulting two police officers. Whilst in jail, he doesn't recieve any favours because of his celebrity status in the outside world. He is out numbered and many prisoners constantly barrage him with insults for letting down his country in a crucial World Cup game. He keeps his head down and has the opportunity to forget everything and change the lives of the prisoners. These prisoners have the chance to put one over the evil guards. The prisoners are lead by Danny and the whole of the prison, guards aside, are behind them. Game on......
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Drama
Director(s): Barry Skolnick
Production: Paramount Classics
Rotten Tomatoes:
99 min

New car, Z?

For your information only,

that's a prototype. Bother.

Yes? Right. I'll be back in a sec'.

Don't touch a thing.

England captain,

Danny "Mean Machine" Meehan,

is licensed to score with Umbro.

Licensed to get hammered, you mean.

Large whisky.

Do you want anything in that?

Yeah, a double.

It's lively in here.

Didn't you use to be Danny Meehan?

Used to be.

A very long time ago.

Sir, we're going to

have to breathalyse you.

No need, officer. I'm totally pissed.

Come on, Danny. No trouble.

Oh, look, a miniature copper!

You'd better come along with us.

Don't be silly. Come on!

You are nicked, sunshine.

BBC news headlines.

This morning, ex England football captain

Danny Meehan was jailed for three years,

despite pleading guilty to assaulting

two police officers and driving drunk.

Meehan's downfall from the pinnacle

of world football has been swift,

since match-fixing accusations ended

the career of one of our finest players.

The judge showed little sympathy

for his pleas of mitigation,

imposing the maximum sentence.

Meehan showed no emotion

as he was led away.

The former star will serve his sentence

at Longmarsh High Security Prison...

...famous for its rehabilitation programme,

reformed characters,

and modern conditions.


That's it. Get out!

Come on!

- Get away from the van.

- All right.

Shut it! This is a category B nick,

not Butlins. Do you understand?

You're nothing in here.

Do you hear me? Nothing. Move out.

May the good Lord be with you.

He's a pretty boy.

Coming in.

Straight down the stairs.

Prisoner on the move.

Stay behind the line. Stand there.

- Valuables?

- Prisoner Meehan 041 1 2.

Sign it.

Here's your designer gear

for the next three years. Enjoy.

What are you waiting for?

Come on, move it.

Captained his country,

and he ends up in here?

and you sell your country out in a game.

That's un-bloody-English, that is.


I'm the chief officer of this prison.

You call me "Mr Burton, sir".

You call him Mr Ratchett

and him Mr Hayter.

Anybody in this uniform,

you call mister, right?


Mr Burton, sir.

Sometime tomorrow,

governor wants a word.

He wants you to coach my football team.

Little word of advice.

You're gonna smile nicely and say no.

- Move it!

- All right!

What did you say? That's "Mr Hayter, sir"

to you. Do you understand?

I think you need a little reminder

of Mr Burton's orders.

You won't coach our football team.


Stand there where I can see you.

Meehan, stow your kit top right.

All right, lads? New cellmate for you.

I'm sure you recognise him.

He used to be a somebody

once upon a time.

Got plenty of time

to get to know your new playmates.

Work assignment. C wing.

Got you an apprentice.

He used to be a sweeper.

- Comedian.

- Enjoy it, Meehan.

- I've got some advice for you.

- Thanks. I'm short on advice today.

This will change your life.

Do you see that?

Be very careful of those.

Some of the boys have a pony in the night,

wrap it and airmail it out the window.

Here, use this.

Glamorous job.

Stick it in the bin and follow me, OK?

Come on!

Do you know who that is?

Meehan! Here.

Not the muscle, the other one.

- Christ, he's got old.

- 30 years will do that to you.

Still thinks he's Al Capone.

You'd better go over.

- You know who I am?

- Charlie Sykes.

- I run this nick.

- I've been told.

I lost a great deal of money on an

England/Germany game a few years back,

after one of the Englanders

gave away a very suspect penalty

after 72 minutes of playing time.

So I think that you owe me.

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Charlie Fletcher

Charlie Fletcher (born 1960) is a British screenwriter and author. After many years writing for film and television, he is now probably best known for his children's novel, Stoneheart. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Mean Machine" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 28 Nov. 2020. <>.

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