Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the House of God

1

This program contains scenes which

some viewers may find disturbing.

When I first entered St John's,

I loved it.

The campus of that school

was beautiful.

Such magnificent stonework.

It was like a castle.

I loved that school.

Our school had a magnificent statue

of Jesus Christ

with his hands lovingly placed

on the heads of two children.

I could see that Jesus

loved children.

And the children

loved Jesus too.

My name is Gary Smith.

I was four in 1954 and I really

liked being at school.

I liked being in the dorm.

The dorm was cooler than being

at home with my parents,

because I didn't have

any siblings.

When I first got to

the school, I loved it,

because there were

so many children

around the same age as me

who I could play with

and they were good people,

it was a good group of friends.

In 1953, I was four years old.

I remember when I got there,

I couldn't stop crying.

Then, I was looking up at a nun,

she was wearing

her black-and-white robes.

I was looking at the nun

and my parents left.

Every morning, we'd have mass.

The priest would use incense

and the smell

would fill the room.

I felt like we were in heaven.

I wanted to be a Catholic,

like everyone else.

And so, when I was ten,

Father Murphy baptized me.

Murphy would hug children.

All the kids just loved him,

they always flocked to him.

He would play with the kids

and the nuns would stand around

and just watching and smiling.

I wanted Murphy's attention,

like all the other kids, I needed him.

He was like

a second father to me.

He had this ability

like the Pied Piper -

to just get all rats to follow him

and do whatever he wanted.

Father Murphy knew how to sign

and he could communicate

with all the kids.

He was a hearing man who could sign

and sign very well.

I remember looking at him

and thinking,

"Wow, that's

really impressive."

Lawrence Murphy was raised

in Milwaukee, Wisconsin

and entered the St Francis Seminary

in 1943.

After he was ordained

as a priest in 1950,

he moved next door on assignment

to St John's School For The Deaf.

He had a knack for public

speaking and fundraising

and, by 1963, he was promoted

to director of St John's.

After Father Murphy baptized me,

I felt proud,

I felt better.

I was excited and couldn't wait to have

my first communion when I was 12.

Later on, I got

into trouble at school.

I was mischievous and

the nuns would come and say,

"Go to Father's room."

And so, I did.

In the confessional booth,

there was a dividing wall.

But there was a little space

that you could see his face through.

So you could sign back and forth.

And he would bless you.

I filled out

the confession form.

The form listed stealing, lying,

sex and things like that.

I would mark things off

and turn it in.

Father Murphy looked at it and then

asked me really weird questions like,

"Have you been with other boys?"

I would say:

"I played with myself."

And he would ask

detailed questions,

like "How?" or

"What did you do?"

And then he said,

"OK. I want to see you

in my office this afternoon!"

So I said, "OK",

and left the booth,

and kneel to pray.

He asked me, "Have you been

playing with your penis?"

And I told him,

"No."

But he gave me one of his looks.

And it scared me. So I admitted

that, yeah, I play with myself.

He told me to pull down my pants

and to do it right there.

So I played with myself

for a little bit.

He watched me intently

until I was done.

Then, he told me

that God forgave me

and I felt like my sins

had been wiped away.

He could have been playing

with himself for all I know,

but I couldn't see.

I remember one afternoon

I went to Murphy's office

and he closed the door

and he told me to take off my pants.

And I said,

"Take off my pants?"

I was shocked. And I thought,

"Why would I have to do that?"

And I was looking at this man

in a black suit, the white-collar,

and I thought to myself, "He's a

priest and I'm supposed to obey him."

So I took my pants down

and he molested me.

I felt sick and confused.

"Why would a priest

do that to me?

"Is this supposed to be OK? Did I do

something wrong?" I didn't know.

After it happened,

I just left.

And I just kept it to myself.

Later on,

Father Murphy decided

that confessional would be

on the second floor, in the closet.

I confessed my sins.

I was forgiven and blessed,

and then I was touched.

I started sweating like crazy..

..so nervous.

I just feel myself shaking

Just kept thinking:

Enough! Enough!

When father murphy stopped,

I went to bed right away.

And I was just sick,

I was just sick.

And I lied in bed,

under the covers

and I felt absolutely disgusted.

I was a monk,

I was a very pious monk.

I folded my hands, kept my eyes

down, did my studies.

I lived in the system.

Richard Sipe spent 18 years

as a Benedictine monk.

He was also a therapist

counselling his fellow priests.

Sex in celibacy became central

to my research and understanding.

Sipe began what became

a 25-year study

examining celibacy

in the priesthood.

My intent was that this would help

in the training of priests.

I felt that I could

make a contribution

by being honest

about it.

The data showed

that at any one time,

no more than 50% of American Roman

Catholic priests were practicing celibacy.

There were certain levels

of experimentation,

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