MASH

Through early morning fog l see

Visions of the things to be

The pains that are withheld for me

l realise and l can see

That suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

The game of life is hard to play

l'm gonna lose it anyway

The losing card l'll someday lay

So this is all l have to say

Suicide is painless

Suicide

lt brings on many changes

Changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

The sword of time will pierce our skins

lt doesn't hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in

The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

Suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

A brave man once requested me

To answer questions that are key

ls it to be or not to be?

And l replied ''Oh, why ask me?''

Suicide is painless

lt brings on many changes

And l can take or leave it if l please

And you can do the same thing

If you please

- Radar!

- Yes, sir.

- Call Major Burns.

- l'll call Major Burns.

Tell him we need to hold

two surgeons over from the day shift.

- l'll call General Hammond.

- Tell Hammond we need two new surgeons.

l hope he sends us those

two new surgeons. We sure need 'em.

- What, sir?

- l gave everything to Radar.

What?

- What the hell d'you think you're doing?

- What? l'm...

Just because you're a captain,

don't think you run the joint.

l run it.

- l'm supposed to...

- l know what you're supposed to do.

Your driver will be with you shortly.

He's having his coffee now.

- Racist.

- Attention.

The following men

report to the departure area:

Carey, Michael S.

Phelps, Robert A. Colbert.

Cleaver, Herschell B.

Roosevelt, Charles B.

- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.

- Bye-bye.

Govowska, Theodore G.

Miller...

- 4077th MASH?

- This is the jeep here.

All right.

OK, let's go, boy.

Get my other bag.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Schermerhorn! Get that son of a b*tch!

He just stole my jeep.

Hey! Watch what

the hell you're doin', will ya?

There you are, sir. The officers' mess.

Perhaps you would like to take a small repas.

l couldn't eat after that ride you gave me.

You want any of this?

No, thank you, but l could do with my lunch.

Well, why don't you come on in

with me and get a sandwich?

l'll follow you anywhere, sir.

Oh! How about that piece of scenety,

Yankee, huh?

Yes, sir.

Who are those men?

Friends of yours, Murrhardt?

- No, sir. First time l've seen them.

- Maybe those are the replacements.

Oh, don't be silly.

We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.

l guess they just got separated from their unit

and are looking for something to eat.

They've got a hell of a nerve

coming in here eating our food.

Pardon me. Would you move over

just a little bit. Thank you. Ooh!

Be careful with that.

- But she's got to use Phisohex...

- l think l'm in love.

..that Phisohex soap on her face.

She really has a bad complexion.

- But when she's got a bad complexion...

- She won't use soap.

Well, the truth is, Lieutenant,

l don't have anything to do tonight.

l just got into town and, well, l thought

maybe you could show me around.

Captain, if you'll notice the lieutenant's

beautiful hand, she is definitely married.

l'm the commanding officer

and l'll get to the bottom of this.

Boy, Bandini, they're eating here

because they want to.

- You men just passing through?

- l was just enjoying that lovely dish there.

Captain, you are speaking about

a lieutenant in the United States Army.

l'm Colonel Blake.

Oh, Colonel.

l'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.

- That's my driver over here.

- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.

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