Love Hard

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Love Hard script

*music intro*

[woman] It's been said that, according to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other half, their soul's equal.

*music*

[woman] And if that's true, then Zeus is an a**hole.

*music*

[woman] Sure, dating has never really been easy, but modern dating online is even harder, I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away,

-Someone kind, and honest, and ideally.

- [man] Honey? [woman]

.someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?

*music*

[woman] Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether, along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies and offers to take me on a sunset sail until he ghosts me.

-But on a positive note, I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career. For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid. And people seem to love that I can't find love, But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't? Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world, or my picker is broken.

Natalie’s friend: It's both. What's the one common denominator in all of these dates? It’s you.

Natalie:
I beg your pardon? The common denominator is that it's a bunch of LA a**holes.

Nf:
That's your other problem. You're only looking local. I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes. You gotta think bigger. Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles. You gotta look outside West Hollywood.

Natalie:
Gas is so expensive. I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.

Nf:
It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.

[chuckles]

Nf-Okay. Fixed it. I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Natalie:
Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

- [chuckles]

Nf-Okay. Fixed it. I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Nataly:
Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

Natalie-Oh, but no kiwi because I'm-.

Nf-I. I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.

Natalie-Sorry. Habit. The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.

Natalie’s boss-Natalie, where's my next story? story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.

Nat- I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'1l try something different. Like…Something a little bit more upbeat?

Nb-Why the hell would you do that?

Nat-So I don' spend another evening with a guy who was featured on an episode of Hoarders. It's making me miserable.

Nb-Oh, I'm sorry. [sucks in air] Everyone's miserable, though. But that's why Social Media exists to either distract people from their own lives, or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse. Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay? Got food in your teeth. You might wanna.…. Iclicks tongue] (walks away) Get it to me!

[traffic rumbling]

[Natalie grunting]

[grunts]

[sighs deeply]

[phone chimes]

[music playing]

[Roy] I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.

[Rick] Semi-finalist on Dancing with the Stars.

[Vinny] Devoted feminist. Favorite movie: The Noteb-

[Greg] This could be yours, girl. Why don't you come over and play with--

[Josh] Passionate about life and all things outdoors. When I'm not traveling for work, you'1l find me at home in Lake Placid, New York, planning my next move.

Nat-Wow.

[Josh] Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama-free. [

Natalie] Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!

[Josh] Hey, Natalie. So how do you REALLY feel about my favourite movie? [

Natalie] It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.

[Josh] I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.

Nat-I can work with that.

Josh- What’s your favourite Christmas movie?

[Natalie] That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.

[Josh] You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

[Natalie] Yippee Ki Yay, I do!

[Josh] Okay. Convince me. Nat-Okay.

[Natalie] Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.

[Josh] You've studied this in depth.

[Natalie] One, it takes place during a Christmas party. –

[Josh] Doesn't make it a Christmas movie –

[Natalie] I have more evidence. Two, it snows at the end. Number three, there are presents involved.

[Josh] There are presents involved in most movies ever made! You know what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually-

[music]

Nf- Holy sh*t! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot. He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by. He's Asian-American and speaks three languages. He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list. -So really there's only one con.

N-What?

Nf-You've never seen him.

N-Come on. [chuckles] There's six pictures on his profile.

Nf-That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?

N-Yeah

Nf-Yeah. He ended up being 20 years older than his photos. This guy could be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.

N--What? Nf-Look at me. Look at me. You do not trust anybody unless he sends you a photo holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah. Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.

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