Love, Simon

---

1

(indistinct conversations)

(The "Oogum Boogum"

song playing)

SIMON:
I'm just like you.

For the most part,

my life is totally normal.

- Happy birthday.

- No!

SIMON:
My dad was the annoyingly

handsome quarterback

who married

the hot valedictorian.

And, no, they didn't peak

in high school.

- (car door closes)

- (horn honks)

I have a sister

I actually like.

Not that I'd ever

tell her that.

And last year,

and 200 episodes

of Chopped ago...

she decided

she wanted to be a chef.

Which means we're pretty much

all her test subjects now.

Cute mini skirt

With your brother's

sloppy shirt

I admit it girl,

That I can dig it

EMILY:
Is it spicy, Jack?

- (spits)

- Oh! Gracious. Oh, my gosh.

SIMON:
And then

there's my friends.

Two of them, I've known

since pretty much

the beginning of time.

- Or at least kindergarten.

- No. No.

- LEAH:
Oh! Sorry!

- Okay. How 'bout that?

(crowd cheering)

One of them,

I just met a few months ago,

but it feels

like I've known her forever.

We do everything friends do.

We drink way too much

iced coffee,

watch bad '90s movies

and hang out at Waffle House

dreaming of college

and gorging on carbs.

(cheering continues)

You got me doin' funny things

Like a clown

Just look at me

When you wear

Your bell-bottom pants...

SIMON:
So, like I said.

I'm just like you.

I have a totally,

perfectly normal life.

Except I have

one huge-ass secret.

Now go on

With your bad self

Ooh, ooh, now mercy,

Mercy on me

- (knocking on door)

- Hey! Morning! Oh!

- Hey!

- Sorry.

I didn't realize

you were masturbating.

Yeah, very funny.

Your sister's downstairs

making some

la-di-da pancake thing

she saw on Top Chef,

so we should

probably go eat that.

Great. I'll be down

in just a second.

Okay. Right after you finish

searching the internet for...

lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?

(scoffs)

It's Hadid.

Right. I didn't realize

she was your girlfriend.

All right, finish up here.

You got me.

(indistinct chatter)

- Morning, guys.

- Simon, have a seat, honey.

- Morning, Simon.

- You gotta eat your breakfast.

Please don't tell me

that breakfast is the most

important meal of the day

because that is just so clich.

You're better than that.

I was gonna say breakfast

lowers LDL cholesterol

and prevents

fluctuating glucose levels

- that lead to type two diabetes.

- Oh!

Touch.

Nora. These are incredible.

Cornmeal pancakes

with blackberry compote.

But they're not crumbly enough.

Stop it. They're perfect.

(Nora sighs)

Eat up, Bieber.

- See you, guys.

- JACK:
See you, Simon.

EMILY:
Hey, honey. Be back

by seven! It's TV night.

(leaf blower whirs)

Hey!

Morning!

It's Simon! I live right here!

I like your boots!

Okay, bye!

- (sighs)

- (horn honks)

God damn.

("Rollercoaster" playing)

It was summer

When I saw your face

Looked like a teenage

Runaway...

- Yo!

- Yo!

Had the craziest dream

last night.

Hey, Nick, you have the

craziest dream every night.

NICK:
You don't understand.

I'm in this cave, right?

Or maybe it's in outer space.

David Beckham is there

with these two contact lenses

and then like, blue one or

red one, like he's a sexy

Morpheus from Matrix.

And I don't know

which one to pick.

I don't know what to do

with these things.

Oh, my God. Have you guys seen

Creek Secrets today?

First of all, you are obsessed

with that blog, so...

LEAH:
Okay, but apparently,

Becca Peterson

got caught giving

Ryan O'Donovan,

an HJ in the pool.

That's the real reason

they drained it.

Man, our janitor needs a raise.

LEAH:
Oh, my God.

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