Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store
- Year:
- 2015
- 66 min
- 91 Views
1
One of my hobbies
is I collect dust.
Are you from this country?
I go around town
slashing tire prices.
Do you get that?
Do you know that Christmas song
"Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Do you?
You stopped laughing.
You stopped laughing, sir.
You got the idea,
there are no jokes.
There's a kind of hush
all over this room.
I'm addicted to
prescription glasses.
And "20/20" wants to do
my life story.
It gets wor-
A four-year-old wrote this.
Thank you.
No, I'm not leaving yet,
hold on.
This is my stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
about my real ladder,
that he supported three people
at one time.
Last I heard, he's one-
I fucked that up, too.
The last I heard, he was in
a 12-step program.
It really didn't matter.
Oh, thank you.
Anyway, I've had a lovely-
That's it for me, thank you very
much, thank you very much.
Anyway, with that,
Do you know the man?
Mister who?
Mr. Louie-who, what?
Mr. Louis Prima? No.
Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.
Mr. Louis C.K.!
Here he is.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Oh, my God, thank you.
This-
You guys...
You guys are great, thank you.
This is what I talk like now,
just so you know.
I'm gonna do
the whole show like this.
A really-a very offensive
stereotype...
...of a Mexican.
This is...
This is a Mexican at the border.
Just let me in!
Jesus!
He won't let me-
You guys are dicks
in there, anyways!
F*ck you, America!
Was that too high up,
do you think?
That's why I like-
I always like to stand
just a little bit wrong,
you know?
Just for my own entertainment,
instead of standing like this,
just put it a little bit up
here, just so people are like-
I don't know why
that bothers me.
Especially if I'm somewhere
I don't like being, like CVS.
You know, I hate CVS.
But sometimes
you gotta go in there.
That should be
their slogan, CVS.
Sometimes
you gotta come in here."
Where else you gonna get
your wart Band-Aids
and that stuff
for your dry vaginer?
Dry vaginer.
I used to think
it was called a "vaginer."
I did, because I grew up
in Boston and the-
I don't know
if you are familiar with-
People call it
the Boston accent.
It's not an accent.
It's a whole city of people
saying most words wrong.
It's just a stupidity
in a massive region.
Because my teachers,
they teach you
to talk like that.
My teacher-I had a teacher
named Miss Daugherty,
but she thought
her name was Mrs. Darrity.
She mispronounced her own name.
Mrs. Darrity!
And she'd give us sex-ed-
This was fifth grade.
We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,
and she's showing us
the diagram, she's like,
"This is a penis.
"And this is a vaginer.
"Now, during intercourse,
the man ejaculates sperm...
"... up into the vaginer.
"And then later,
"a fucking baby...
"... comes out of the vaginer.
And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"
This was the '70s.
A teacher said "retahded"
in Boston in the '70s.
"My daughter's retahded."
She used to tell us every day.
"I have a daughter
and she's mentally retahded.
"She's 35 and she lives
in my house.
"She better be fucking retahded.
in my vaginer."
So I thought it was called
a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.
And I remember thinking
it was, like-
It's a vaginer, it's a-
Like, a thing
that vagines, you know?
Like, you use it to vagine-
I don't know.
I just gotta vagine
this new table I just made.
That would make a nice table,
like, you make a new table
and then you take the-
the 80-grit paper
Translation
Translate and read this script in other languages:
Select another language:
- - Select -
简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
Español (Spanish)
Esperanto (Esperanto)
日本語 (Japanese)
Português (Portuguese)
Deutsch (German)
العربية (Arabic)
Français (French)
Русский (Russian)
ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
한국어 (Korean)
עברית (Hebrew)
Український (Ukrainian)
اردو (Urdu)
Magyar (Hungarian)
मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
Indonesia (Indonesian)
Italiano (Italian)
தமிழ் (Tamil)
Türkçe (Turkish)
తెలుగు (Telugu)
ภาษาไทย (Thai)
Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
Čeština (Czech)
Polski (Polish)
Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
Românește (Romanian)
Nederlands (Dutch)
Ελληνικά (Greek)
Latinum (Latin)
Svenska (Swedish)
Dansk (Danish)
Suomi (Finnish)
فارسی (Persian)
ייִדיש (Yiddish)
հայերեն (Armenian)
Norsk (Norwegian)
English (English)
Discuss this Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store script with the community:
Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 9 Dec. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/louis_c.k.%3A_live_at_the_comedy_store_12887>.