Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store

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1

One of my hobbies

is I collect dust.

Are you from this country?

I go around town

slashing tire prices.

Do you get that?

Do you know that Christmas song

"Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Do you?

You stopped laughing.

You stopped laughing, sir.

You got the idea,

there are no jokes.

There's a kind of hush

all over this room.

I'm addicted to

prescription glasses.

And "20/20" wants to do

my life story.

It gets wor-

A four-year-old wrote this.

Thank you.

No, I'm not leaving yet,

hold on.

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

I heard great things

about my real ladder,

that he supported three people

at one time.

Last I heard, he's one-

I fucked that up, too.

The last I heard, he was in

a 12-step program.

It really didn't matter.

Oh, thank you.

Anyway, I've had a lovely-

That's it for me, thank you very

much, thank you very much.

Anyway, with that,

I'm gonna bring up the man.

Do you know the man?

Mister who?

Mr. Louie-who, what?

Mr. Louis Prima? No.

Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.

Mr. Louis C.K.!

Here he is.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Oh, my God, thank you.

This-

You guys...

You guys are great, thank you.

This is what I talk like now,

just so you know.

I'm gonna do

the whole show like this.

A really-a very offensive

stereotype...

...of a Mexican.

This is...

This is a Mexican at the border.

Just let me in!

Jesus!

He won't let me-

You guys are dicks

in there, anyways!

F*ck you, America!

Was that too high up,

do you think?

That's why I like-

I always like to stand

just a little bit wrong,

you know?

Just for my own entertainment,

instead of standing like this,

just put it a little bit up

here, just so people are like-

I don't know why

that bothers me.

Especially if I'm somewhere

I don't like being, like CVS.

You know, I hate CVS.

But sometimes

you gotta go in there.

That should be

their slogan, CVS.

Sometimes

you gotta come in here."

Where else you gonna get

your wart Band-Aids

and that stuff

for your dry vaginer?

Dry vaginer.

I used to think

it was called a "vaginer."

I did, because I grew up

in Boston and the-

I don't know

if you are familiar with-

People call it

the Boston accent.

It's not an accent.

It's a whole city of people

saying most words wrong.

It's just a stupidity

in a massive region.

Because my teachers,

they teach you

to talk like that.

My teacher-I had a teacher

named Miss Daugherty,

but she thought

her name was Mrs. Darrity.

She mispronounced her own name.

Mrs. Darrity!

And she'd give us sex-ed-

This was fifth grade.

We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,

and she's showing us

the diagram, she's like,

"This is a penis.

"And this is a vaginer.

"Now, during intercourse,

the man ejaculates sperm...

"... up into the vaginer.

"And then later,

"a fucking baby...

"... comes out of the vaginer.

And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"

This was the '70s.

A teacher said "retahded"

in Boston in the '70s.

"My daughter's retahded."

She used to tell us every day.

"I have a daughter

and she's mentally retahded.

"She's 35 and she lives

in my house.

"She better be fucking retahded.

I'm gonna stick her back up

in my vaginer."

So I thought it was called

a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.

And I remember thinking

it was, like-

It's a vaginer, it's a-

Like, a thing

that vagines, you know?

Like, you use it to vagine-

I gotta vagine my driveway.

I don't know.

I just gotta vagine

this new table I just made.

That would make a nice table,

like, you make a new table

and then you take the-

the 80-grit paper

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