Lola Versus

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1

So I'm embarrassed about this,

but I have this giant astrology book.

And it says that today,

that my 29th birthday...

...Saturn returns to the place of my birth

and it turns my life upside-down.

It says that Saturn is going to bring

all of my shit to the surface...

...and then I'm going to evolve.

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

I know that change is inevitable.

But what if I don't want things to change?

What if I like my life exactly how it is?

Happy birthday.

I feel old.

You're so old.

Do I look 29?

Yeah, you kind of do.

No, I'm only kidding.

You look like the white J.Lo.

Baby, J.Lo is in her 40s.

- No, she's not.

- Yes, she is.

- J.Io's in her 40s?

- Mm-hm.

What?

I got a surprise.

Blow.

- Now you're gonna get it.

- I can't get it. Heh-heh.

Now you're gonna get it.

You're gonna get it.

Why aren't you ticklish? It's so weird.

- All right, if--

- Okay, okay, I got it. I love you.

- I love you too, Lola. Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

You look very handsome today!

Don't anybody touch him!

He's mine!

Yes, you can die from

drinking too much water.

Yes.

I'll e-mail you the article.

I know, you just have to find a balance. it's--

- Oh, my--!

- Bike lane!

No, Luke's great.

Yeah, he's just been working like crazy

on his solo show.

It's paintings of celebrity sex tapes.

No, Anderson Cooper's not in there.

Should he be?

What--? Are you trying to masturbate?

We just had sex.

- Lola.

- Yes?

Will you marry me?

Do you think there's a magazine

for pregnant brides?

Have you died?!

No, I'm ready.

Dude, you look incredible.

- Don't tell Luke you were here.

- Let me video-chat with him.

What? You've had literally

the same phone since 11th grade.

Whatever. Chicks love old phones.

They think I listen more.

You trying to take maid of honor from me?

I ordered strippers who get naked

to the soundtrack of Glee.

- I'm not listening.

- Can your band play Cee Lo?

- I'm a rock star.

- Ta-ta.

It's a wedding dress! It's a wedding dress!

No, no. Gluten-free chocolate.

Ask about the icing.

What--? Yeah, oh, Raimundo,

is the icing rice-milk based?

- Non-GMO.

- No rice milk.

Non-- Non-GMO.

No, wait-- Hold on.

Hold on, Raimundo, yeah.

I got someone on the other line. Hello?

Oh, hi, hi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, it's your mom. Again.

Could you please tell her that

we've been planning this for nine months?

- We got it under control.

- Relax, honey.

- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Hi, Mom.

I know, but it's too expensive

if the resort caters it.

Okay, I have to go.

- I love you too. Bye.

- Hey, Alice. Nice dress.

- It's expensive.

- I'm gonna step outside for a minute.

Okay. What's up?

Well, I'm the last single woman

in New York City.

I went to volunteer at

a women's homeless shelter.

They all had boyfriends.

The homeless.

Why don't you date Henry? He's single.

I don't know, Henry is sort of hot,

but he's your best friend.

It would be like fucking you.

I'm gonna find you a guy if it kills me.

What's your Match.com log-in?

Is it still "Let-me-be-your-hole"?

"Let-me-be-your-hole-1

It was taken. The first one was taken.

All right, I'm following the dot,

and the dot--

It's moving all over the place.

- Where is it, Len?

- This way.

Dad, it's on the corner, so you don't need

to use your iPhone to get there.

Okay. Because the iPad,

wouldn't that get us there faster?

- Yeah.

- You are obsessed with this thing.

It's a sickness. Now he plays Scrabble

with strangers online in Milwaukee.

I am retired. Let me soar.

I know this building. Do you remember?

It was a sex dungeon.

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