Living Will...

They will just ask anybody

to join a war.

I once got kicked off

a carnival ride for crying.

I cried

on a Ferris wheel.

Why am I even here?

This is stupid.

I don't want to be

the bearer of bad news,

but you're pretty much

on your own, bud.

If somebody shoots

at us, I'm running.

Is this a grenade?

I don't even...

this is stupid.

Like, do they want us to lose?

Is that why I'm...?

What side are we on?

Are we the good guys or the bad guys?

I should probably be quiet.

There's probably peop...

I'll be quiet.

Just eat.

Just eat.

I don't care.

Is this loaded?

- Will.

- What?

I'm going in.

All right,

I got your back, buddy.

Cover me.

- You've always been there for me, buddy.

- I always will.

- I love you.

- I love you.

I love you a lot.

Arghh-hh!

- I'm just procrastinating now.

- Go.

- I don't really want to go. Okay, I'll go.

- Go.

- I'm going.

- Go.

No-o-o!

No!

No!

Will, help!

Will!

Will! No!

Will!

Will!

No!

Help!

No! Help!

Will!

What?

I'm in the bathroom.

Yeah, what's up?

I'm seriously constipated,

for real this time.

What the f***

do you want me to do?

Can you grab me

some reading material?

Seriously,

this one's a fighter.

Anything specific?

Something long.

How about my dick?

Dude, come on.

I'm dying here.

My a**hole is locked up tighter

than the Birdman of Alcatraz.

All right, fine.

Ugh.

Here's your book.

Come on, man, can you just

bring it in to me?

I promised myself

I wouldn't get up

until I dropped the kids

off at the pool.

I'm not going in there.

Just get off your ass and get it yourself.

Do you have

work today?

No, I called out

the last four days.

How?

I told work that my mom

had a spastic colon.

But your mom's been

dead for 20 years.

Are you serious?

Thanks for reminding me,

dick f***.

All right,

I'm out of here.

Dude, come on, Will.

Seriously,

it'll be fun in here.

I don't want

to come in there.

I know you don't want to,

but do what's right.

You know

what's right, Will.

Seriously, we can make

s'mores in here.

You want a s'more?

Fine.

What are you doing,

having a party in here?

I told you, I'm not

leaving this damn room

until I take the Browns

to the Bowl.

Well, here's your book.

Dude, just stay and hang out

with me for a little bit.

Just take an enema.

I'm not sticking

anything else up my ass.

Nothing good

ever comes out of it.

I think it's pretty stupid you hanging out

in the bathroom all day.

You're stupid.

Fine.

- Just stay in and drink with me.

- What? No.

I don't feel like hanging out with you

all night in your f***ing underwear.

- I'll put pants on.

- That's not the point.

Good. I wasn't gonna

put pants on anyway.

- Right. See you.

- Will, come here, please,

just real quick.

Just feel my stomach.

Go on.

Come here.

Oh, that's...

it's all hard and sh*t.

What the f*** is that?

It's poop, dude,

a lot of it.

That's disgusting.

I know.

So what about it?

Come on, let Daddy

take care of you tonight.

Just stay in.

Oh, I found something.

Oh, all right.

- Yeah! Come here. Rub my feet.

- No.

- Come on, rub my feet.

- No.

I'm getting comfy. I'm getting comfy

with my body.

This is called

the evacuator.

It tastes like sh*t.

What are you doing, man?

I'm eating everything I can

until I poop.

You've been in bed

all week?

I thought you were just out.

You didn't poop yet?

Nope.

What's with the laxatives

and Metamucil?

I don't care

about anything

anymore,

so I put them

up my butt.

You're not supposed to put Metamucil

up your butt.

Whatever.

Don't judge me.

I'm taking you

to the hospital.

You don't look right.

You're all yellow

and your stomach looks

like a ripe melon.

And you smell.

Look, man,

stop yelling,

first off.

Second off, it's a very

stressful situation in here.

And if this doesn't work,

I'll go to the hospital.

If you don't sh*t by the time I get back

from work,

I'm taking you to

the hospital, seriously.

You're a hospital.

That's a ridiculous belt.

You smell.

- Yeah.

- A lot.

Whatever.

I don't care.

Please.

Over the lips,

past the liver,

come on, grease,

make my colon quiver.

Dear friends, family,

we are gathered

here today

to bid a very fond

farewell

to a beloved son

and a trusted friend.

I remember so fondly

Scott as a child.

He had the most

beautiful eyes,

that tousled

mop of hair,

that small,

athletic frame,

the softest skin.

Oh Scott,

this world is

a darker place

without you.

Yo, man, I heard

you found the body.

That's bananas.

Man, did you check out

the chicks at this thing?

They got my pants

extra tight.

There's something about chicks

at a funeral, you know...

just f***ing sexy.

Oh, Will,

on my way over here

I was thinking

or wondering maybe

if I could maybe stay

in Belch's room,

because he's dead.

I really need

a place to stay.

And I could help you out

financially.

Dude, are you

asking to move into

his best friend's room

at the funeral?

Is it too soon?

Is it too soon?

Sure sure.

You got it.

Oh, man, cool.

Hey, you think Belch's

sh*t is still in there?

Wait, not his

actual sh*t... ugh.

But, like, his comb

and his toothbrush

and his callus peeler

and that Jaeger bottle.

I get his...

I get his DVDs. I get his DVDs.

It's my room, man.

They're my DVDs.

I just called dibs.

Dibs.

You did.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter

if it's in there or not.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes