Little Manhattan

For those of you out there

less experienced than me...

...let me tell you something

about girls.

They're basically gross.

See, this is pretty much

black-and-white...

...from where I'm standing.

Used to be, back in the day...

...maybe first or second grade...

...popular wisdom was

they gave you cooties.

Cooties?

She touched me! Cooties!

Don't touch me!

Cooties!

He has cooties!

We didn't know what cooties

were exactly.

But the general feeling was,

if a girl touched you...

...some very, very bad things

were gonna happen.

How right we were.

This is me now.

I've been in love for

two-and-a-half weeks...

...and it's a pain I wouldn't wish

on my worst enemies.

I'm not going

to dress this up pretty.

Just about everything I know

about women...

...love, and the birds

and the frickin' bees...

I've learned in the past...

...two-and-a-half weeks.

But, when

you're ten years old...

Rosemary...!

...two-and-a-half weeks

can be a lifetime.

Okay, here's the deal.

If you came to hear some

great New York love story...

...keep walkin;

You want a real love story?

I'll tell you a real one.

My parents. Camp Annawanna.

Catskill Mountains, 1984.

My father was 19,

and a star sports counselor.

My mom was a CIT.

People say she reminded

them of Sissy Spacek.

What happened under

that harvest moon that summer...

...that's the stuff of legend.

In my family, it's what

we like to refer to as...

...ancient history.

These days, my dad's...

...sleeping on the couch.

Due to this unusual quirk...

...in the New York State

divorce code...

Neither one of my parents

could move out of our apartment...

...until their settlement is

signed, sealed and delivered.

Needless to say,

it doesn't make for...

...the greatest living

environment.

Did you drink my Pepsi?

It was my Pepsi.

It had my name on it.

Especially since my mom's...

...recently decided to start dating again.

Hello.

Leslie.

Is there anything worse...

...than being mistaken

for your mother?

No, this is Gabe.

Hey, sorry, big guy.

You two sound so much alike.

Is your mom around?

This is Ronny.

Uh, I've got it, honey.

You can hang up.

Now that's a real love story.

This much I know firsthand-

love ends.

You want proof?

Check out my parents'

refrigerator.

Why did I ever have to discover...

...this ridiculous pain

inside of me?

Because two and a half

weeks ago...

...before all this love nonsense...

...and I'm not just saying

this either...

...now, before all this,

I was happy.

No!

Truly happy.

I'm serious.

My life was filled with song...

...and sport...

...and constant adventure.

Oh, Rosemary.

Rosemary, Rosemary, Rosemary.

Why did you ever have

to come into my life?

Who am I kidding?

She's been in my life

for as long as I can remember.

For one little stretch there,

during kindergarten...

...you might even say

we were friends.

What are you kids

doing under there?

That was before first grade...

...and the Iron Curtain came down.

Girls on one side...

...boys on the other.

Oh, she was still there,

of course.

I have the class pictures

to prove it.

I just didn't see her.

I lived in a world of men.

So, who wants to

go to Duane Reade?

Man, I am not helping you

steal Kit-Kats again, Max.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Watch it!

But you got no

trouble eating...

...the candy I provide

for ya, do ya?

I'm not doin' look-out.

I'm sorry, guys.

Hey, guys, it's 5:00.

I gotta roll.

I thought we were

gonna shoot some 21?

No, I'm meeting my dad

for football practice.

See you guys later.

The two of you are

so nuts, man.

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