Life with Mikey

TIMES HAVE CHANGED

AND WE'VE OFTEN

REWOUND THE CLOCK

SINCE THE PURITANS

GOT A SHOCK:

WHEN THEY LANDED

ON PLYMOUTH ROCK

AS YOU SEE,

THERE'S NOTHING IN MY HAT.

I'M GONNA POUR THIS JUG OF MILK

INSIDE MY HAT.

KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY

KIDS, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND

ANYTHING THEY SAY

LIFE, HUMANITY, EVERYTHING...

IS JUST SCUM FLOATING

ROUND AND ROUND...

ON TOP OF THE WATER

UNTIL IT FINALLY SINKS.

KUM-BAH-YAH, MY LORD

KUM-BAH-YAH

["Give My Regards To Broadway"]

AAH!

[French]

OH, MA, I DID IT WRONG.

AAAH!

WAS THAT GOOD?

AND NOW I'M GONNA PU THIS HAT ON MY HEAD.

SHE WOKE UP AND FOUND THA HER DREAM OF LOVE WAS GONE

MADAM:

SHE RAN TO THE MAN WHO HAD

LED HER SO FAR ASTRAY

AND FROM UNDER:

HER VELVET GOWN:

SHE DREW A GUN AND SHO BANG, BANG, HER LOVER DOWN

AND THOUGH I'M NO A GREAT ROMANCER

I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND

TO ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE

ANYTHING GOES:

AND I KNOW:

THAT IF I WERE DOWN,

I SHOULD WANT TO GO

DEEPER AND DEEPER...

INTO THE FETID, FESTERING EARTH.

[Sighs]

THANK YOU, UH, GEORGE.

THAT WAS VERY GOOD.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

IN A HUNDRED YEARS

WE'LL BOTH BE DEAD.

I'M NOT SURE

I CAN WAIT THAT LONG.

LET'S GO, MOTHER.

ONE SECOND.

HOW DID GEORGE DO,

MR. CHAPMAN?

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT...

WHOA! NOT YET, HONEY, NOT YET.

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGH WANT TO REPRESENT HIM?

WELL, WE REALLY DON'T GE MUCH CALL FOR CHILDREN

DOING STRINDBERG THESE DAYS.

MAYBE GEORGE COULD WORK UP

SOMETHING A LITTLE LIGHTER

FOR US NEXT TIME.

WHEN'S LITTLE MIKEY GE HERE? GOOD QUESTION.

EXCUSE ME.

WHEN'S HE GONNA GET HERE?

[Grunting]

GEENA. GEENA. GEENA!

HI, MR. CHAPMAN.

[Sighs]

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S A WALKMAN.

I KNOW IT'S A WALKMAN.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY

CALL IT A WALKMAN?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED

TO WEAR IT WHEN YOU WALK.

NOT WHEN YOU'RE

SITTING AT A DESK, WORKING.

HOW CAN YOU HEAR

IF SOMEBODY CALLS?

DID SOMEBODY CALL?

WAS IT FOR ME?

YEAH, HARVARD MEDICAL.

YOUR BRAIN IS READY.

JUST GET MY BROTHER

ON THE PHONE, PLEASE.

WHOA! CHAPMAN STEALS THE PUCK,

HE SPLITS THE "D."

HE MAKES HIS MOVE.

IT'S A STRONG MOVE!

HE IS THE KING:

OF WEST 83rd.

[Grunting]

HOW CAN HE BE SO GOOD?

HOW ABOUT YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO

BE MY FATHER! OHH!

HE IGNORES THE FEEBLE TAUNTS

OF THE PATHETIC DEFENDERS.

YES! AND HE... SHOOTS!

[Boys]

UH-OH.

C'MERE!

YOU HEARD HIM. GET OVER

THERE! HUH-HUH!

[Boys Chanting]

FIGHT! FIGHT!

FIGHT! FIGHT!

CALM DOWN, YOU JUS CALM DOWN A SECOND.

IT'S NOT EASY BEIN' FATHER

TO ALL THESE KIDS.

YOU SEE THAT CAR?

THAT'S MY BOSS'S CAR, AND HE

AIN'T GONNA BE TOO HAPPY

IF HE SEES IT.

AND IF HE AIN'T HAPPY,

I AIN'T HAPPY.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

I APPRECIATE YOUR SITUATION.

I FEEL COMPELLED TO TELL YOU,

HOWEVER, THAT I AM

SOMETHING OF A CELEBRITY.

WHAT KIND OF CELEBRITY ARE YOU?

A**HOLE OF THE MONTH?

NO, THAT'S ALL POLITICAL.

UM, ACTUALLY, DID YOU EVER

SEE A TELEVISION SHOW CALLED

LIFE WITH MIKEY?

YOU KNOW, HE'S WACKY, HE'S WILD,

HE'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE CHILD.

IT'S LIFE WITH MIKEY

YEAH, I'VE SEEN IT.

SO WHAT?

WELL, THAT'S ME.

I'M LITTLE MIKEY.

MOOSE SH*T!

TELL 'IM, GUYS. TELL 'IM.

[Chanting]

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

ANY CHANCE OF GETTING TIME OFF

FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?

HEY! IT IS YOU!

LITTLE MIKEY!

OH! HEY, DO ME A FAVOR,

AUTOGRAPH SOMETHIN'

FOR ME, WILL YA?

OH, YEAH, SURE.

SO, YOU STILL AN ACTOR?

NO, I GOT OUTTA THA WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15.

I JUST STARTED TO HATE

THE SUPERFICIALITY

OF THE WHOLE SCENE.

I'M AN AGENT NOW.

MORNING, BAMBI.

HEY, IT'S NOON,

HONEY.

[Geena]

OH, SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

GOOD MORNING, GEENA.

YOU WANT A KISS?

OKAY.

SO, IS HE MAD?

HE SAID HE WAS GONNA KILL

YA IF YA WEREN'T HERE

IN 15 MINUTES.

HOW LONG AGO:

WAS THAT?

REST IN PEACE, MR. CHAPMAN.

[Door Opening]

I'M SORRY, MR. CHAPMAN,

IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL,

BUT BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.

MRS. TOBIN.

HEY, SISTERS GRIMM,

DYNAMIC DUET.

FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

GIMME FIVE. GIMME 20.

MICHAEL, MRS. TOBIN IS TAKING

THE GIRLS OVER TO TINY TALENT.

GO ON, GIRLS.

GOOD-BYE, MR. CHAPMAN.

THAT'S FINE, MRS. TOBIN,

IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED

IN THE DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL.

WHAT?

ED, YOU DIDN'T TELL THEM ABOU THE DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT?

I HONESTLY:

HAVE NO IDEA.

DO YOU GIRLS:

LIKE DOUBLEMINT?

CAN YOU SAY,

DOUBLE-ICIOUS?

YEAH, THAT DOUBLEMIN COMMERCIAL, THAT'S ONLY

A PHONE CALL AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID

THREE MONTHS AGO, MR. CHAPMAN.

IT WON'T WORK THIS TIME.

COME ON, GIRLS.

[Ed]

KEEP YOUR COAT ON, MICHAEL.

WE HAVE TO GO SEE BARRY CORMAN.

MOM, WHAT KIND OF CEREAL

IS THIS?

OH, IT'S NEW FROM

COUNTRY KITCHENS.

- IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU, IS IT?

- OF COURSE NOT, DEAR.

ISN'T IT DEWICIOUS...

DELICIOUS? CUT!

[Mooing]

I'M SORRY, BARRY.

HOW MUCH OF THIS CRAP DO

I HAVE TO EAT TODAY?

WHAT AM I, JOB? MOM!

NOT YOU, MY REAL MOM.

THE ONE WHO DOESN' NEED ACTING LESSONS.

I'M HERE, BARRY.

HONEY, I'M RIGHT HERE.

I CAN'T WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE.

I KNOW.

OR THESE ANIMALS.

PROBABLY JUST HAVING SOME

ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES

WITH THE DIRECTOR.

HEY, ED, ED, ED, WHY DON' YOU RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S A 12-YEAR-OLD KID.

I KNOW THAT. YOU THINK I

LIKE JUMPING EVERY TIME

A 12-YEAR-OLD CALLS?

BUT I HAVE TO BECAUSE THIS

KID IS GONNA PUT BRACES

ON MY DAUGHTER'S TEETH.

KRISTIN'S GONNA BE FINE.

BESIDES, OVERBITES

CAN BE VERY ATTRACTIVE.

[Sighs]

PUT THAT DOWN.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?

[Giggling]

LISTEN TO ME.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

JUST BEHAVE YOURSELF, OKAY?

MRS. CORMAN! HOW ARE YOU?

OH, MRS. C. YOU LOOK RAVISHING.

REALLY DO. ABSOLUTELY. DO I?

OH, I AM USING

THIS NEW MOISTURIZER.

YOU LOOK VERY MOIST.

VERY.

HEY, MOM, THIS IS A BUSINESS

MEETING, NOT A BLOCK PARTY.

DO ME A FAVOR. GO DOWN TO

THE CORNER AND GET ME

A COUPLE OF BIG MACS.

AND, UH, GET YOURSELF

A LITTLE SOMETHING.

WOULD YOU BOYS LIKE ANYTHING?

THEY'RE FINE.

YEAH, WE'LL JUST GET BY...

ON WHATEVER FALLS OU OF BARRY'S MOUTH.

[Chuckling]

I'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER.

HEY, MOM, GET A LIFE.

ALL RIGHT, I'M READY

FOR YOUR APOLOGY.

WA... WAIT A MINUTE.

WH... WHAT IS HE TALKIN' ABOUT?

MICHAEL, UM, BARRY

FEELS THAT YOU'RE

NOT QUITE SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH.

THAT YOU'RE OCCASIONALLY

RUDE AND DISMISSIVE...

AND YOU DON'T TAKE

HIS CAREER SERIOUSLY.

YOU'VE BROUGHT ME DOWN HERE

TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM?

WHAT, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR

MIND? FOR WHAT?

FOR DISCOVERING HIM WITH

HIS ENTIRE HEAD STUFFED

IN A BOX OF COCOA PUFFS?

I MADE THIS KID:

THE CEREAL KING.

YEAH, WELL, I'M SICK OF DOING

CEREAL COMMERCIALS.

I WANNA DO NEW STUFF.

I WANNA GROW ARTISTICALLY.

I WANNA WORK WITH

MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

HOW COME I WASN'T PU UP FOR HER LAST MOVIE?

TOTALLY OUR FAULT, BARRY.

BARRY, THEY NEED YOU IN MAKEUP.

WE HAD NO IDEA...

YOU WERE INTERESTED

IN THE PART.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SHAMELESS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET ON

YOUR KNEES AND SACRIFICE

A GOAT TO THIS KID?

LET'S HOPE IT DOESN' COME TO THAT.

BARRY, IF YOU HAD ONLY

MENTIONED THIS SOONER.

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO CLOWNS,

WE'LL TALK LATER.

I GOTTA GET INTO CHARACTER.

WHAT CHARACTER?

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SWALLOW.

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