Life Happens
- Year:
- 2010
- 104 min
- 102 Views
1
(WOMEN MOANING)
DEENA:
I like that,that's good.
KIM:
Oh, yeah.MAN:
Oh, yeah.DEENA:
Do you...Do you have... You know...
(KIM MOANING)
KIM:
Wait, wait.Two seconds,
I'll be right back.
BOTH:
Do you have a condom?No. Crap!
Dude, I've been looking
for that nightie everywhere.
KIM:
Are you sureit's not mine?
I've had it forever.
DEENA:
It looks betteron your b*obs anyway.
Thanks.
DEENA:
Who do youhave in there anyway?
I didn't even
hear you come in.
Oh, I'm with that
Australian surfer
with the neck tattoos.
Ooh! Checkmate!
What about you?
Who do you have in there?
Uh...
Beet face.
You're having
anonysex with a guy
you met in
DEENA:
I already told himhe couldn't stay over
'cause I got to get
up early to write.
Oh, totally.
God, where is that stash?
I know it's somewhere.
Oh! Found them!
There's only one left.
How did that happen?
We just bought these!
Dibs!
I'm ovulating!
What?
It's true!
I never work out
on the fifteenth day
of my cycle because
I get pains in my side,
and if you remember
correctly, Kim, I did
not work out yesterday.
What?
What am I supposed to do?
Raw dog a random?
Don't be a douche nozzle!
Pull and pray, baby!
(SIGHS)
MARC:
All right, Kim,were you gonna
do me, or what?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(INAUDIBLE)
Three o'clock, dude.
That sleaze weasel's
eyegasming
all over your face.
Really?
Yeah.
Hey!
Hi!
Stoplights, huh?
Yeah. Stoplights.
I love them. (GIGGLES)
So do we.
It's crazy!
Crazy.
I'm lvan and this
is my friend, lvan.
Well, hello, lvans.
Hello.
So, we're headed to
the hills this evening.
Why don't you
give us the details?
(BABY CRYING)
Is it too much to ask
for a date with a guy
other than the one
I gave birth to?
Oh, come on.
Where is my friend
who shares
my mutual suffering
of high self-esteem?
KIM:
She smells likemilk, puke and
diaper ointment.
Oh, hey, Billy,
will you come help me
with Max's stroller?
Sure, Kim.
Okay. There you go.
Thank you.
(BILLY GRUNTS)
Hey!
Hey.
I found a job on Craigslist
that pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked
Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow.
You want the details?
Laura, I love you,
but raw fish? Nudity?
Let's leave
the Lord out of this.
Oh, God.
Hey! I found a job
on Craigslist that
pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked
Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow.
You want the details?
No, I think I'm good.
Oh, Dr. Katie's on.
DEENA:
Did you sayDr. Katie's on?
Hi, buddy.
As a sexpert,
once a week, at least.
If you can't procure sex,
visit your gynecologist,
and he can suggest
certain solutions.
(MAX VOMITS)
Oh! Oh!
BOTH:
Ew!Max, my favorite shirt!
Baby puke is pretty
much just breast milk.
Just hand me the napkins.
I saw Kelly Ripa
eat breast-milk cheese
on LIVE! The other day,
with a pickle on it.
That's disgusting.
It also comes
in dolphin, bear,
monkey and worms.
Worms? Ew.
Laura, it is so
weirdly hypocritical that
you watch this stuff.
It's like an anorexic
watching Top Chef.
Make fun of me all you want
for being a virgin,
okay, but at least
you'll never hear me say,
"I had sex with
some guy last night
and he didn't call me,"
or "I got pregnant again,"
or "I got chlamydia."
Ooh! Snap.
Ask your insurance provider
if they'll cover this.
(VIBRATING)
(ECHOING)
You need it, Kim.
Oh, I really need to
get more sleep.
(WHIRRING)
Hey.
Hey!
I made this for you.
Thank you.
You are saving my life.
Have you seen
the baby monitor?
Uh, yeah, I think
it's in the rotter.
That's what
three hours of sleep
a night'll do to you.
Yeah, here it is. Rotting.
So, tonight is
Marc's night with Max,
which means I have
no morning duty,
which means Mommy
is gonna get hammered
tonight. Yeah!
Are you sure
that's safe?
I'll pump and dump
and use my new
Milkscreen strips.
They let you know
when it's safe to
breast-feed again.
It's the best
invention ever.
Mom of the year
right here yo.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh, God. Francesca.
"In addition to
my diuretic pills,
"go by the mall
and pick up something
"young and hip looking
for me to wear to
the greyhound party."
(GAGGING)
Will you guys meet me
at the mall later?
Can't,
I have naked sushi.
Yes. And that
woman is hideous.
You shouldn't have
to deal with her.
She has you running
around like a chicken!
I know, but I'm a
chicken with paychecks
and benefits.
See you guys later.
Bye.
Bye.
Wait. Breakfast.
Oh, God, thank you.
Thank you. Bye.
Marc, I swear to God,
you're the most
unreliable person I know.
Why are you always late?
What do you expect?
I'm driving across
town from Venice.
Well, I've got
and that's all before work.
So, here's
the diaper bag,
his diapers,
bottles, toys,
he should be fine.
What's the matter with you?
(SIGHS)
We need to talk.
Crap! Crap! Laura! Laura!
I got the e-mail
from LA Weekly, man!
I can't read it,
I can't read it.
You have to read it for me,
you have to read it for me.
Sit, sit, sit.
Read, read, read.
(EXHALES)
"Dear Ms. Deena Gold,
thank you so much for
your recent submission,
"'A Self Made
Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself
from the B*tches.'
"As you know,
submissions weekly.
"Unfortunately,
we cannot accept..."
(SIGHS) I'm gonna stab
myself in the face.
Please don't.
"However, we think the
excerpt from your book,
"'A Self Made
Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself
from the B*tches..."'
That title is way too long...
However, however.
"Will be the perfect
inaugural headliner
"for our online edition
featuring new voices."
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
Oh, I'm in!
Okay, get up,
I have work to do.
Okay. Here we go.
Marc, I thought we were
gonna at least try to
raise the kid together.
It'd be career suicide
to turn down a
Hawaiian Tropic pro-tour.
You understand that?
Can we get your scrawl?
Oh, yeah, sure.
BOY:
Thanks, man.Sure.
See? I'm blowing up.
What about when
you come back?
Well, if I come back.
I got things, you know?
I think he's
better off without me.
I'm doing
I'm ripping it off fast,
like a Band-Aid. Okay?
Peace, all right? Okay.
All right. Be well.
(GURGLING)
(SHUSHING)
KIM:
I feel like a bigslab of hamburger
that's been
mushed into a human.
This was, like,
my one day a week
to feel like
Now, I'm like,
seriously a mom now,
like seven days a week.
That is kind of
how it works.
Well, I know,
but what am I gonna do?
Look, lots of women have
been exactly where
you are right now.
You can still have
everything you've
always wanted,
and your kid is gonna
respect the hell
out of you for it.
Huh?
Let's get a massage.
(MOANING)
I am so getting
one of these when I get
my first big paycheck.
I don't care how
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"Life Happens" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 6 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/life_happens_12539>.
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