Let's Go to Prison

Synopsis: John Lyshitski is a car stealing slacker, with a weed problem, and has been in Illinois' Rossmore State Penitentiary so many times, he knows its entire population of both staff and cons by their first names. Cursed with the old ill luck of being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in possession of the wrong car, he's been deemed a lost cause repeat offender in the eyes of everyone else. When the heartless judge, who has been behind most of his sentences, goes to the big court house in the sky, John decides to ruin the man's legacy by having the judge's only offspring, Nelson Biederman IV, thrown in the slammer along with him. Here, the world-class selfish jerk learns a certain old lesson the hard way: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. But has John gone too far in the payback department?
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Bob Odenkirk
Production: Universal Pictures
Rotten Tomatoes:
84 min


# There's a place I know,

come along with me

# Just break some laws

and you get in free

# Three hots and a cot

# An orange jumpsuit

# Your name's a number

# Now, ain't that a hoot?

# Throw out that list

of things to do

# The State's got plans

for you

# Let's go to prison

# Stir

# Let's go to prison. Stir

# Now, it's corrections

officer, not called a guard

# Now, won't you kids

go play in the yard?

# Yeah, walk an earth circle

or lift some weights

# Might get lucky,

might get some date

# Ain't talking hoops

when I say man-on-man

# It's zone defense,

do what you can

# Let's go to prison

# Big house

# Let's go to prison

# Yeah

# Lock up

# Trading smokes

for toilet booze

# Snitch gives you up

to the screws

# Bought yourself

some time in the hole

# They'll throw you a Bible

to save your soul

# Oh, ho-ho, Lord

# Doing a nickel

# Doing a dime

# You know you're innocent

# You didn't do the crime

# This place takes patience

# You will find

# But as long as you're here

# Just have a good time

# In Angola, Attica, Sing Sing

# Let's go to prison!

Come on now!

# San Quentin, Tehachapi

# It's called prison

# Let's go, let's go!

# Prison, Alcatraz

# Come on, let's go! #


Our justice system sucks.

You know, there are over

two million Americans

behind bars.

That's a little larger

than the population

of Houston.


Every year,

there are enough children

born in prison to fill

250 Little League teams

and enough people

are raped in prison

to fill a stadium

more than three times.

Can you picture that?

Three stadiums full of people

raping each other?

I know I can.

My name's John Lyshitski.

I just got out of prison.


I don't know.

Do you have

anything bigger?


That's more like it.

If I had a nickel

for every time

I've been incarcerated,

I'd have 15 cents.

It all started when

I was eight years old.

I stole the Publishers

Clearing House

prize patrol van.

Thought there'd be

a million bucks inside.

Where's the check?

Where's the check?


They caught me when I tried

to cash the giant check.

That was the first time I met

Judge Nelson Biederman,

who changed my life

with the magic word.


You see, Johnny,

the reason we have

all these laws

and rules to live by

is so that

we can help guide

all the little boys

with big dreams

and a chance

for a bright future,

and so that

we could help protect them

from worthless scum

like you.

Seven years,

juvenile detention.

And with that,

Judge Biederman

began my trip

through the justice machine.

The machine works.

It took me,

a confused child,

and turned me

into a for-real,

no-shit felon.


Hit the ground,


or I'll fill you

full of more holes

than the Asshole Day parade.

There's an

Asshole Day parade?



Four years,

and if being a moron

were a crime, Mr. Lyshitski,

you would never see

the light of day again.

I got out again

when I was 24.

Then that same ass-wipe,

Judge Biederman,

sent me back

when I was 24 and a half.

Four to seven years.

The next time

you steal a car,

Mr. Lyshitski,

check to see if there

are lights on the roof.


You liked that one?

I'm out again,

and I intend to spread

the pain around.

Starting with

His Honor himself.

Take him down piece by piece.

Kick off his dog,

strangle his cat,

shit in his pillowcase,

burn down his garage.

Then I'll get really creative.


Hi. Is this the

municipal courthouse?


Rate this script:(2.00 / 1 vote)

Robert Ben Garant

Robert Ben Garant (born September 14, 1970) is an American screenwriter, producer, director, actor and comedian. He has a long professional relationship with Thomas Lennon, from their time on the seminal sketch-comedy show The State, the cop show spoof Reno 911!, and numerous screenwriting collaborations. more…

All Robert Ben Garant scripts | Robert Ben Garant Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Let's Go to Prison" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 28 Feb. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/let's_go_to_prison_12485>.

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