Let's Kill Ward's Wife
Okay, everybody!
Hello!
Hi!
Thanks for coming.
Um, so this is
a really big day for me.
Uh, I guess. Well, duh.
'Cause it's
my only son's baptism.
Yay. Ooh-ooh!
Um...
I love paper.
I do. It's, like, my passion.
And I've always wanted
to own my own papiere.
Not that you care,
because I don't...
I don't tell people that, because
people steal ideas all the time.
It's happened to me
numerous occasions with... what?
Huh? What did you say?
You just said something. What?
I didn't say anything.
Yes, you did. You made, like,
a noise or something. I...
Whatever.
Great.
Um...
- God, um...
- You were saying?
I know what I'm saying!
I know what I'm saying.
Just let me say it.
I had this whole thing prepared
about god and paper and love
and godparents,
and it was all tied in together.
Now I can't do it now.
I can't do it now.
So, um...
You know what?
You can say something.
Ward!
Say it. Okay. Okay.
I'll just plate the cake.
We would like to thank...
no, not "we," ward.
I wanted to say something,
and you ruined it.
You didn't let me say it,
so now it's on you.
You can f***ing say something,
you a**hole.
Thank you all for coming. Uh...
I thought that we
could be so much more
we've got cake! Right.
I just wanna smash
her f***ing face
right in that f***ing cake.
I put my heart into that
speech, and you ruined it.
Honey, I didn't say...
you gonna let her up?
I wouldn't. F*** her.
Are you sure
it's not in your bag?
Yeah, honey, I'm sure. You said
you saw it in the bathroom?
I never said that.
You're nervous.
No, I'm not... I'm not
nervous, I'm excited.
I mean, it's robin peters,
you know?
I don't even remember
the last thing she was in.
How does she look these days?
Well, here.
Pretty good.
Hmm.
Do you think she has implants?
Maybe I should get implants.
Maybe her, not you.
Well, it looks like it.
See if you can tell,
but don't be obvious.
Can you give me a break?
Babe, I checked there.
Huh.
Well, thank you.
All right.
I love you.
I will see you later.
I love you too.
Maybe we can do
some loving tonight?
Yeah. Okay.
Lily, come on, honey.
We gotta move.
Hello? Y... oh.
Sorry. Hey.
Uh, yeah, yeah. I got it all.
Got her lunch, her snack,
got all her sh*t.
What? She can't hear me. She's
in the other room. Shh, shh.
I'm right here.
She just rounded the corner.
We got it. We'll be there.
Traitor. Potty mouth.
Honey... again!
Chicken wrap, all white,
no tomato, salsa... extra salsa.
On the side!
Christ! On the side!
On the side. I got it, babe.
Morning. Morning, Stacy.
Apparently I'm
your number one neighbor.
You got a tough one there, my friend.
Well...
Late start for you, huh?
Nah, I just forgot my shades.
Oh, there you go.
You know, you got
a brake light out there, ward.
Really?
I'm gonna need to see
you driver's license
and registration.
Okay. I got...
hold it. Give me a second.
Ward. Yeah?
I'm kidding. I'm your neighbor.
You have a good day, my friend.
Thanks, Bruce.
Yeah!
Hello.
You know what the f***ing problem is?
Good morning.
Every f***ing morning,
for my iced coffee, mind you,
which is the same as the drip,
which is given to you at the
counter, where you pay.
But is my iced coffee
given to me at the counter?
I am guessing no.
Do you know how long it takes
to make a blended drink?
Uh, seven hours.
F*** you. A long f***ing time.
These people move
with the urgency of a glacier.
Hold on. Hey, you need a hand?
Oh, I got it. You sure?
Mm-hmm. How's your iced coffee?
It's the best one yet.
You like it creamy?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Who was that? The chick
that works the counter.
Wow. You really let her know how you feel.
F*** you. She's cute.
She sucks at her job,
but she's f***ing cute.
Hey, are we still on for Sunday?
Yeah, we better be.
Good. A father's day golf
is just what the doctor ordered.
Of course, I'll spend my day
hitting tour-quality shots
while p*ssy ward
thins every iron
and somehow manages
to end up on the green.
Oh, hey, I'm pulling up
to robin peters.
Oh, dude, that's today?
Yeah. I'll fill you in later.
W-w-wait. Tell her she
sucked in prairie girl.
Ms. Peters, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Tom Bradford, ego magazine.
Mr. Bradford,
I've been doing interviews
for over two decades now,
and not once have I had
to wait for the interviewer.
I'm... I'm so sorry I'm late.
Uh...
Relax.
Sit down.
Thank you.
Hey.
Sorry. We, uh... we were...
we just got a muffin.
We stopped, and the line was...
a line that long.
Sure. Hey, tootsie. Sorry.
Why don't you
go into your classroom,
and we'll be right there, okay?
Go on inside, okay?
Go on. Run, run.
What does that mean, "sure"?
Nothing.
Can you take lily this weekend?
You can't do this weekend?
I was just hoping we could
switch weekends is all.
I mean, if it's a big deal,
then...
No. I can help you out.
Thanks. You're welcome.
You got a hot date? Or... no?
Nothing? You just... you
just wanna be alone?
Get some alone time?
It's not like a Vegas girl's weekend...
can you switch with me or not?
Look, I'm just trying to have
an adult conversation here.
Is that what this is?
so, uh...
so I guess I'll take that
as you have a new lover.
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"Let's Kill Ward's Wife" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/let's_kill_ward's_wife_12487>.
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