King Ralph

---

The rain appears

to have stopped.

We can continue

with the portrait.

So I should hope.

First time we've had the family

together for six years.

We'll need both banks

of fill lights.

I've already strung

the cables, sir.

Could you?

Permit me, Your Majesty.

HER MAJESTY:
Thank you.

-All set up, sir.

-Thank you.

We're ready now, everybody.

Look straight into the lens...

and keep your eyes

wide and bright.

Now, after three. One...

two...

three.

MAN:
At a time like this,

any task is difficult,

but a surviving heir

to the throne must be found.

The nation, the commonwealth,

and, I daresay, the known world

await your findings.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Since when do we give a toss

about this kind of bullshit?

Shut up, Dysentery.

Where's your sense

of national flipping pride?

Uh, uh, you.

-Excuse me, Sir Cedric.

-Yes?

I believe we've found an heir.

That's wonderful, Duncan.

Who is it?

His name is Jones. Ralph Jones.

Is he everything

we might have hoped?

He has his strengths

and his weaknesses.

You see, he's an American.

Quickly, Duncan, the strengths.

MAN:
Here's one from Don Ho,

the godfather

of Hawaiian soul.

Tiny bubbles

Thank you.

In the wine

Make me happy

Oh, howthey

Make me feel fine

How a how we do

He's in there.

Tiny bubbles

Make me warm all over

Are you shitting me?

And the feelin'

that I'm gonna love you

Till the end of time

Thank you.

Ah-choo!

Brady, I've got that 20

for you tomorrow.

BRADY:
Yeah, right.

Hey, Mitzi.

Heard your show went

a little better than mine.

Ed, what are you

doing down here?

We're not paying you

to watch television.

Excuse me.

Hello, my name is Duncan Phipps.

This is Inspector McGuire.

Great. A couple

of checks bounce?

No, he's here

for your protection.

ED:
Jones,

I'm not finished talking to you.

Come in.

I'll sign a picture for you.

Smashing show, by the way.

Absolutely smashing.

-We're not renewing you.

-What?

I'm putting Mitzi in your slot.

[Ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh]

You little back-stabbing b*tch.

ED:
Turn in your tux.

'Cause I wouldn't sing

The lmpossible Dream?

Vacate your room

by noon tomorrow,

or we'll put your stuff

in the street.

RALPH:
Can you believe that?

It's beyond all comprehension,

Your Majesty.

But I have news that might

bring you some cheer.

I doubt it.

It is my glorious duty

to inform you...

that you are the new...

king of England.

DUNCAN:
The duke of Warren...

had a small dalliance with

your grandmother Constance,

who was a waitress at the hotel

where he was staying.

One gastro death-dealer with

onions, jalapenos, and Tabasco.

Thank you.

At any rate, Constance

had a son, your father.

Since he and your grandmother

are both dead,

you are the only surviving

royal heir in your line.

Even if I believed you,

which I don't,

I haven't got time

to be king of England.

I got to get a job.

This is more than a job.

Maybe I'll put a band together,

get back to playing

rock 'n' roll.

But you can't refuse the throne.

It's a sacred trust.

What does this sacred trust pay?

You don't get a salary.

I pay you, right?

You don't need money.

Everything's taken care of.

The king has a castle--

five castles, actually--

a fleet of cars, a yacht,

a staff of servants.

Good God, the future

of a nation's at stake!

You're good, Dunc.

Real good.

Hmm.

Do you remember

your grandmother at all?

RALPH:
Connie? Yeah.

Do you remember a ring she wore?

Sure. She said she got it

from some prince.

There's only one other like it,

the duke of Warren's.

Was this the ring?

Holy sh*t.

Yes!

Yes! Ha ha!

Awoo!

RALPH:
How long you think

you'll be needing me?

I've never held a job

for more than six months.

DUNCAN:
A king

is a king for life.

RALPH:
No problem.

My schedule's pretty open.

Ahh ahh ahh ahh

ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh

Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh

Ahh

Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh

ahh ahh ahh ahh

God save the king

God save the king

Rule Britannia

God save the king

There it is, Your Majesty.

Your new home.

RALPH:
Which room is mine?

DUNCAN:
Well, all of them.

God save the king

God save the king

Excuse me, Sir Cedric.

His Majesty is here.

Very good.

Allow me to introduce

Our Sovereign Lord, Ralph Jones,

king of Great Britain,

Northern Ireland,

and all her other realms

and territories,

head of the commonwealth,

defender of the faith.

RALPH:
How you doing?

How do you do, Your Majesty?

I'm Cedric Willingham.

Glad to meet you, Ced.

Have you ever been

to England before?

No.

But I have almost all

the Rolling Stones' albums.

Well, then you're

practically a native.

Dunc says you've

been here 25 years.

You must be a hell

of a typist by now.

I'm not that type of secretary.

My duty is to instruct you

in the arts of sovereignty...

to make you a king.

Look, my duties are

mostly for show, right?

I hope you're

not counting on me...

to solve

large national problems.

I don't have a lot

of experience with that.

English law prohibits monarchs

from solving problems.

Unfortunately, it doesn't

prohibit you from creating them.

Good.

That's a load off my mind.

So, where do we start?

Everywhere.

CEDRIC:
Think of what name

you'd like to use as king.

Edward and George

have been popular this century.

RALPH:
What's wrong with Ralph?

CEDRIC:
It lacks a certain...

majesty.

I can't really think

of any notable Ralph.

RALPH:
Well, sure.

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