King Arthur
By 300 AD, the Roman Empire
extended from Arabia to Britain.
But they wanted more.
More land.
More peoples
loyal and subservient to Rome.
But no people so important
as the powerful Sarmatians to the east.
Thousands died on that field.
And when the smoke cleared on the fourth
day, the only Sarmatian soldiers left alive
were members ofthe decimated
but legendary cavalry.
The Romans, impressed by theirbravery
and horsemanship, spared theirlives.
In exchange, these warriors were
incorporated into the Roman military.
Better they had died that day.
(neighing)
Father.
They are here.
For the secondpart ofthe bargain they
struck indebted not only themselves...
The day has come.
..but also theirsons,
and theirsons, and so on,
to serve the empire as knights.
I was such a son.
There is a legend that
fallen knights return as great horses.
He has seen what awaits you,
and he will protect you.
Lancelot! Lancelot!
Lancelot.
Don't be afraid. l will return.
- How long shall we be gone?
- 1 5 years,
not including the months it'll take
to get to your post.
Lancelot!
(all shout out ''Rus!')
(Lancelot) Ourpost was Britain -
for the land was divided by a 73-mile wall
built three centuries before us
to protect the empire from
the native fighters ofthe north.
So, as ourforefathers had done,
we made our way and reported
to ourRoman commanderin Britain,
ancestrally named for the firstArtorius,
orArthur.
Ah, as promised, the bishop's carriage.
- Our freedom, Bors.
- Mm. l can almost taste it.
And your passage to Rome, Arthur.
(horse whinnies)
Argh!
(warcries)
Woads!
(uproar, swords clinking)
Yaa-rgh!
Yah!
Argh!
Argh!
(triumphant cry)
Rus! Aagh!
Rus!
Rus.
Gratia plena, Dominus tecum. Benedicta
tu in mulieribus et Dominus tecum.
Benedicta tu in mulieribus.
Benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.
Benedicta tu in mulieribus...
Save your prayers, boy.
Your god doesn't live here.
Why did Merlin send you south of the wall?
Spill my blood with Excalibur and...
make this ground holy.
Pick it up.
Pick it up.
- Bors.
- What a bloody mess.
That's not the bishop.
God help us.
- What are they?
- Blue demons that eat Christians alive.
You're not a Christian, are you?
Does this really work?
(mutters gibberish)
Nothing.
Maybe l'm not doin' it right.
(man chuckling) Arthur!
Arthur Castus. Your father's image.
l haven't seen you since childhood.
Bishop Germanius. Welcome to Britain.
l see your military skills
are still of use to you.
Your device worked.
Ancient tricks of an ancient dog.
And these are the great Sarmatian knights
we have heard so much of in Rome.
the north of Hadrian's Wall.
They do, but they
occasionally venture south.
Rome's anticipated withdrawal from Britain
has only increased their daring.
- (man) Woads?
- British rebels who hate Rome.
Men who want their country back.
- Who leads them?
- He's called Merlin.
A dark magician, some say.
Tristan, ride ahead
and make sure the road is clear.
Please do not worry, Bishop.
We will protect you.
Oh.
l've no doubt, Commander.
No doubt.
Dozens don't worry me
nearly so much as thousands.
Thousands?
Well, now that we're free men,
l'm gonna drink till l can't piss straight.
- You do that every night.
- l never could piss straight.
Too much of myself to handle...
down there.
Well, it's a problem.
No, really, it is. lt's a problem.
- lt's like a baby's arm holding an apple.
- (all) ..baby's arm holding an apple.
(laughter)
l don't like him, that Roman.
lf he's here to discharge us,
why doesn't he just give us our papers?
- ls this your happy face?
- (Bors laughs)
Galahad, do you still
not know the Romans?
They won't scratch their asses
without holding a ceremony.
Why don't you just kill him,
and then discharge yourself after?
l don't kill for pleasure, unlike some.
Well, you should try it someday.
- lt's a part of you. lt's in your blood.
- No, no, no. No.
As of tomorrow
this was all just a bad memory.
Ohh.
l've often thought about what going home
would mean after all this. What will l do?
lt's different for Galahad.
l've been in this life longer than the other.
So much for home.
lt's not so clear in my memory.
You speak for yourself. lt's cold back there
and everyone l know is dead and buried.
Besides, l have, l think, a dozen children.
Eleven.
You listen. When the Romans leave here,
we'll have the run of all this place.
l'll be governor in my own village
and Dagonet will be my personal guard
and royal ass-kisser. Won't you, Dag?
First thing l will do when l get home is
find a beautiful Sarmatian woman to wed.
A beautiful Sarmatian woman?
Why do you think we left in the first place?
(moos like a cow)
What about you, Lancelot?
What are your plans for home?
Well, if this woman of Gawain's
is as beautiful as he claims,
l expect to be spending
a lot of time at Gawain's house.
- His wife will welcome the company.
- l see. And what will l be doing?
Wondering at your good fortune
that all your children look like me.
ls that before or after l hit you with my ax?
(whistles)
Where you been, now? Where you been?
And what will you do, Arthur,
when you return to your beloved Rome?
Give thanks to God that l survived to see it.
You and your god! You disturb me.
l want peace, Lancelot. l've had enough.
- You should visit me.
- Ah!
lt's a magnificent place, Rome.
Ordered, civilized, advanced.
A breeding ground of arrogant fools.
The greatest minds in all the lands
have come together in one sacred place
to help make mankind free.
And the women?
(guard) Open the gate!
- Welcome back, Arthur.
- Jols.
Lancelot.
Bishop, please, my quarters
have been made available to you.
Oh, yes. l must rest.
(Bors chuckles lewdly)
- Where have you been?
- Oh...
- l've been waiting for you.
- Oh, my little flower. Such... passion!
Where's my Gilly? Gilly.
- You been fighting?
- Yes.
- You been winning?
- Yes.
That's my boy.
Come on, all my other bastards!
(all cheer)
Pelagius.
Very kind of Arthur to give up his room.
But, of course, it is to be expected.
(knocking)
Sir, l'm here to escort you
to the fortress hall.
When my master meets with your knights,
he must be seated last
and he must be seated
at the head of the table.
Your master can plonk his holy ass
wherever he chooses.
(laughter)
His Eminence, Bishop Naius Germanius.
A round table?
What sort of evil is this?
Arthur says for men to be men
they must first all be equal.
l was given to understand
there would be more of you.
There were. We have been
fighting here for 1 5 years, Bishop.
Oh, of course.
Arthur and his knights
have served with courage
to maintain the honor of Rome's empire
on this last outpost of our glory.
Rome is most indebted
to you noble knights.
To your final days
as servants to the empire.
Day. Not days.
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