Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2010
- 72 min
- 5,698 Views
1
( audience cheering )
Whoa!
Yeah, Cleveland.
What's up, Cleveland?
How you all feeling?
Everybody good?
Y'all good?
Everybody straight?
Cold as sh*t out
this b*tch, ain't it?
I don't like that--
All this snow.
I don't like that sh*t.
Y'all got that slushy sh*t,
that slipping snow.
Hey, look--
God damn it.
There's slush.
There's slush right there.
Watch the slush.
I don't like that sh*t.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.
I don't like that sh*t.
Y'all ain't supposed to
have snow out here.
Good year for y'all though.
Right now got--
Before I even get started,
shouts out to--
-
( woman shouts )
- Hey, sugar foot.
How you doing?
How you doing, sweetie?
Get it out now.
Before we get started,
shouts out to my man Shaq
up front showing love.
The cavs.
( cheering )
My man LeBron in the house.
Shout out to our boy
LeBron in the house.
It's a good year for y'all.
A good year for y'all.
Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
Y'all might do it.
All right, y'all got me
up here for a while, all right?
And this time--
About an hour.
I'm gonna be up here
about an hour.
Now in this time y'all gonna
hear a lot of stuff.
I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
Don't judge me.
I don't want nobody
judging me.
I love to be honest
when I'm on stage.
I know-- My family, my kids.
I love to talk
about my babies.
Two babies--
Little boy and little girl.
Now I used to talk about
my son being a dumb baby.
I used to.
I'm serious, I did.
I thought my baby
was a dumb baby.
But now I've realized he's not
dumb, he just does dumb sh*t.
Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.
Like, I don't like the way
my son throws his tantrums.
You know, when a baby
throws a tantrum
he's supposed to fall out,
cry, roll on the ground.
That's a tantrum.
This is not a joke,
this is for real.
This is what my son does
when he gets mad.
I'm not lying.
Don't make me laugh. Look.
This is what he do.
He goes...
This is what he do.
He go...
It's the most retarded thing
I've ever seen in my life.
I can't say nothing.
I got to wait till he's finished
then explain to people
what happened.
then explain to people
what happened.
He got an attitude
'cause he can't get no candy.
My baby is weird, man.
When he gets mad
he gets in the oven.
I swear to God.
He gets in the oven.
Then get an attitude with me
when I get him out.
Boy, get your ass
out of the damn oven.
Get your ass out of the oven
before I turn it on.
When I say that he go,
"hot. Hot.
That thing hot, daddy."
I love him
to death though, man.
Two-- A little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,
Two-- A little boy
and little girl.
Now my daughter,
my daughter's
a different ballgame.
My daughter's spoiled, man.
About to be five.
Spoiled. I'm not gonna lie.
I spoil her.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
She's at that age now
though where she knows.
She knows how to play me
and her mom against each other.
She knows how to make us fight.
Here's how she got me
She came in the room,
she hit me with the soft voice.
She's like, "dad,
can I have a cookie?"
I said, "yeah, baby.
Let's go get a cookie."
I start walking
towards the kitchen.
Out of nowhere
all I hear is,
"don't give her
no goddamn cookie!"
Scared the sh*t out of me.
I stopped.
I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was Jesus at first.
I didn't know what it was.
I thought it was Jesus at first.
I went, "why can't she
have a cookie, Jesus?
What did she do?"
But here's how smart she is.
She knew how to get a reaction
out of me.
She looked at me.
She said, "dad, I thought you
was the king of the house."
When she said that,
it set me off.
It riled me up.
So I snapped.
I said, "what the f***
you mean she can't have
no goddamn cookie?
Why'd you buy the cookies
if can't nobody eat a cookie?
buying uneatable cookies.
Ain't nobody
getting a cookie."
I shut the whole cookie
operation down.
I grabbed the cookies,
got my ladder,
put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.
put them on top
of the refrigerator.
Then I hid my ladder.
It wasn't a big ladder.
Three steps.
It's a ladder for thugs.
Pap pap pap,
real quick.
Little thug ladder.
You need patience.
Got to have a lot of patience
to deal with these kids.
I'm not gonna lie,
I don't have a lot of patience.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
Certain things
make me mad.
Like, I don't like it
when I tell my kids
to do stuff
and they do
exactly what I say.
I want you to do
what I say,
but I want you to do it how
but I want you to do it how
Don't do it the way
you want to do it.
Do it the way I saw you doing it
when I told you to do it.
It might be confusing,
but this is serious to me.
The other day my son,
he's suped up off candy.
He's running
all over the house.
I got mad.
"Hey, that's it.
Come here.
Shut it down.
Go to bed."
Swear to God,
this is what he did.
This made me so mad.
Standing up,
this is what he did.
I said, "go to bed."
He said, "ah"
( snoring )
I was so mad.
"Wake your damn ass up.
You don't sleep standing up.
You're not no vampire."
You're not no vampire."
I was mad 'cause I didn't know
how to explain why I was mad.
You don't close your eyes till
your brain tells your body
to shut everything down.
I got a lot of fears, man.
I got a lot of fears
as a parent.
Let me tell you guys
one of my biggest fears.
That's a fear.
Keep in mind I'm not homophobic.
I have nothing against
gay people. Be happy,
do what you wanna do.
But me being
a heterosexual male,
But me being
a heterosexual male,
if I can prevent my son
from being gay, I will.
Now with that being said,
I don't know
if I handled my son's
first gay moment correctly.
Every kid has a gay moment.
Okay? Every kid.
But when it happens,
you've got to nip it
in the bud.
You got to stop it right then.
"Hey, stop! That's gay!"
It's quick.
"No!"
I don't know if I handled
my son's situation right.
Okay? He's at
a birthday party, right?
My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.
My son's at a birthday party,
he's playing.
You know when kids play,
they just play.
You don't know what
they're doing but they're
having a good time.
They're just doing
a bunch of stuff, right?
They're moving around.
I said, "okay, he's good."
I finished talking,
I turn back around to
check on my son again,
a little boy was grinding
on my son's ass.
He was like this.
I didn't know what to do.
I panicked.
I knocked them both down.
"Hey, what's going on here?
What kind of party is this?
Huh? What kind
of party is this?
What's going on here?"
This lady came out.
She was like,
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"Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 11 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/kevin_hart:_seriously_funny_11687>.
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