Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny

---

1

( audience cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Whoa!

Yeah, Cleveland.

What's up, Cleveland?

How you all feeling?

Everybody good?

Y'all good?

Everybody straight?

Cold as shit out

this bitch, ain't it?

I don't like that--

All this snow.

I don't like that shit.

Y'all got that slushy shit,

that slipping snow.

Hey, look--

God damn it.

There's slush.

There's slush right there.

Watch the slush.

I don't like that shit.

Y'all ain't supposed to

have snow out here.

I don't like that shit.

Y'all ain't supposed to

have snow out here.

Good year for y'all though.

Right now got--

Before I even get started,

shouts out to--

-

( woman shouts )

- Hey, sugar foot.

How you doing?

How you doing, sweetie?

Get it out now.

Before we get started,

shouts out to my man Shaq

up front showing love.

The cavs.

( cheering )

My man LeBron in the house.

Shout out to our boy

LeBron in the house.

It's a good year for y'all.

A good year for y'all.

Y'all might do it.

Y'all might do it.

Y'all might do it.

Y'all might do it.

All right, y'all got me

up here for a while, all right?

And this time--

About an hour.

I'm gonna be up here

about an hour.

Now in this time y'all gonna

hear a lot of stuff.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all.

Don't judge me.

I don't want nobody

judging me.

I love to be honest

when I'm on stage.

I talk about things that

I know-- My family, my kids.

I love to talk

about my babies.

Two babies--

Little boy and little girl.

Now I used to talk about

my son being a dumb baby.

I used to.

I'm serious, I did.

I thought my baby

was a dumb baby.

But now I've realized he's not

dumb, he just does dumb shit.

Like, I don't like the way

my son throws his tantrums.

Like, I don't like the way

my son throws his tantrums.

You know, when a baby

throws a tantrum

he's supposed to fall out,

cry, roll on the ground.

That's a tantrum.

This is not a joke,

this is for real.

This is what my son does

when he gets mad.

I'm not lying.

Don't make me laugh. Look.

This is what he do.

He goes...

This is what he do.

He go...

It's the most retarded thing

I've ever seen in my life.

I can't say nothing.

I got to wait till he's finished

then explain to people

what happened.

then explain to people

what happened.

He got an attitude

'cause he can't get no candy.

My baby is weird, man.

When he gets mad

he gets in the oven.

I swear to God.

He gets in the oven.

Then get an attitude with me

when I get him out.

Boy, get your ass

out of the damn oven.

Get your ass out of the oven

before I turn it on.

When I say that he go,

"hot. Hot.

That thing hot, daddy."

I love him

to death though, man.

Two-- A little boy

and little girl.

Now my daughter,

Two-- A little boy

and little girl.

Now my daughter,

my daughter's

a different ballgame.

My daughter's spoiled, man.

About to be five.

Spoiled. I'm not gonna lie.

I spoil her.

That's what I'm supposed to do.

She's at that age now

though where she knows.

She knows how to play me

and her mom against each other.

She knows how to make us fight.

Here's how she got me

in trouble the other day.

She came in the room,

she hit me with the soft voice.

She's like, "dad,

can I have a cookie?"

I said, "yeah, baby.

Let's go get a cookie."

I start walking

towards the kitchen.

Out of nowhere

all I hear is,

"don't give her

no goddamn cookie!"

Scared the shit out of me.

I stopped.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was Jesus at first.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was Jesus at first.

I went, "why can't she

have a cookie, Jesus?

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)