Man in the fucking water.

Shit. Stick to their own fucking side, man.

Cheeky fucking midgets.

Oi. Check your arcs, Rambo.

Woah, woah, woah woah, Mowgli!

I'm here trying to bring fucking peace and love

to your shitty stone-age country.

Is it too much to be able to enjoy a rinse without

taking indirect fucking fire from you lot?


Let that be a lesson to ya.

Go on, f*ck off now then.

Ever heard the one

about not walking into a room

until you know how

you're walking out of there, Tug?

We all miss our birds, mucker.

No need to start grooming the local nippers.

F*ck off.

Grenade fishing -

nearly catch of the fucking day, me.

Hey, no harm done.


Two, yeah?


First lesson my grandma taught me, Tug.

Don't pick a fight with an armed midget.

We're a long way from home.

What you talking about,

you're from Huddersfield.

Go on, mate.

- Cheers.

Race you back up?

Ah, you're fully loaded, mate.

Unfair fight.

OK, go! Now!


- Yeah, mate. Cheers.

Come on then, what's the news?

Heard there was a heatwave back home.

Typical, innit?

- Heatwave? Pissed it down, mate.

Anyway, where's the FLET?

FLET? Hat!

It's all around you, mate.

Terry pokes his nose up here.

We smash him back into his hole.


Did you bring it?

- In the back, pal.

My guy tells me something's coming.

They got a new field commander.

Keep your eyes open.

Sure, John. Cheers.

Civvies here?

- Yank security.

They look after the engineers

working on the dam.

Talk about hearts and minds

this joint would supply electricity

to half of bloody Helmand

if someone could work out how to turn it on.

So where have you been?

- Ops room, Bastion. Sangin, then here.

Ah, Sangin. Proper tasty, right?

- Telling me.

Is this us?

- Nah. OMLTs.

Teaching the ANA which end

of a weapon's the noisy bit.

We're up top, mate.

So what's it like up here?

- Right, OK, fellas...

It's going on, that's what it is, mucker.

I quit the reg after Telic:

Zero contacts, mate.

I joined back when Herrick was on.

Finally get a piece of the action.

Rather be in the scrum than on a subs bench,

do you know what I mean?

Not really.

Rugby's a real game, mate.

Taliban should play it. Tough bastards.

I'm pretty sure Afghans don't play rugby.

Here, look, look, look.

Give us a lift up, pal?

- Hop on, Tug.

Do one, Prosser!

- Good for you, hat.

Fucking dick swinger.

Hop on, Mark!

Did they come?

- Dunno, look in here, Spud.

Sergeant McMellon. Signaller Jones.

Shit the fucking bed!

I hope you know how to use a radio

without batteries, Signaller Jones.

For f*ck's sake.

Right, welfare box. Who wants it?

- Yeah, I'll have it, Pross.

Any decent scoff though, we split it, yeah?

Prosser, stop twatting about

and get that stuff up there!

Fusilier AL Barlow's got his porn re-sup.

F*ck me, Ken, your mum

looks hotter every month.

Yeah, fucking hands off, mate.

- The rest?

Mark. Here you go, mate.

Cheers, pal.


- Oman, yeah.


- Mark.

How you doing, man?

- Good, mate.

What the f*ck's this? You dicks!

- You been up here before?

No, first time.

Aye, ar, mortar boys, you can have that one.

- Jay, you wanna show him around, mate.

Well, we know where your basha is, Barlow.

Keep an eye open, that's all I'm saying, mate.


Luke, boat came in, mate.

Skin 'em up will you.

Prosser, catch you up there, pal.

- Yeah, man.

F*ck it. Ten quid. Thanks Aunt Pam,

just what I fucking need out here.

New TACSAT's come in, Spud. I'll set it up.

This is Athens.

You've got three-sixty all-round defence.

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    "Kajaki" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 16 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/kajaki_11575>.

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