John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid

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All right, Petunia.

Wish me luck out there.

You will die on August 7th, 2037.

That's pretty good.

All right.

Hello.

Hello, Chicago.

Nice to see you again.

Thank you. That was very nice. Thank you.

Look, now, you're a wonderful crowd,

but I need you to keep your

energy up the entire show, okay?

Because... No, no, no. Thank you.

Some crowds... some crowds, they

have big energy in the beginning

and then they run out of places to go.

So... I don't judge those

crowds, by the way, okay?

We've all gone too big too

fast and then run out of room.

We've all made a "Happy Birthday" sign...

Wait.

You get that poster

board up, and you're like,

"I don't need to trace it.

I know how big letters should be.

To begin with, a big-ass 'H'.

Followed by a big-ass 'A' and...

Oh, no! Oh, God!

Okay, all right. Real

skinny 'P' with a high hump,

and then we'll put the second 'P'

below the hump of that first 'P',

sort of like a motorcycle

sidecar situation.

And now I have no room for the 'Y', so

I'll do a kind of curled-up noodle 'Y'.

Block letters and cursive

look good together."

And then you go to write "Birthday"

and you totally forget the lesson

you just learned with "Happy."

You're like, "Yeah, but

the past is the past.

Big-ass 'B'.

Surely more letters will

fit in the same space."

You're very friendly here in Chicago.

I mean, we're all violent

here, but you're very friendly.

No, really. And I don't like confrontation,

'cause I've never been in a fight before.

Though, maybe you could tell that from

the first moment I walked out on stage.

I don't give off that vibe.

Some people give off a vibe

of... Right away, they're like,

"Do not f*** with me."

My vibe is more like,

"Hey, you could pour soup in my lap

and I'll probably apologize to you."

When I walk, for real,

my feet go out like this.

I'm so open and vulnerable.

I look like a doll that you

point out molestation on.

"Show us on this white comedian

where the man touched you."

It's been a while since

I've been home to Chicago.

I got married since then.

Thank you.

I married my wife.

I love saying "my wife."

It sounds so adult.

"That's my wife."

It's great, you sound like a person.

I said it even before we were married.

We were just dating, and we

were once getting on an airplane,

and Anna's ticket didn't say anything

and my ticket said "priority access."

It doesn't matter why.

But we were getting on and I said,

"Uh, can my wife board with me?"

And they were like, "Yes,

of course. Right this way."

And I was like, "Oh, that is so much

better than all those times I was like,

'Can my girlfriend come?'"

And, yeah, I shouldn't have

said it that way, but still.

"My wife" just has some

kick-ass to it, you know?

"Get away from my wife!

No one talk to my wife!"

Marriage is gonna be very magical.

"I didn't kill my wife!"

That's like, "Ooh, who's that fella?

I bet he did kill his wife."

Being married is so nice.

I never knew relationships were supposed

to make you feel better about yourself.

That's not really a joke,

that's just a little

sweet thing I like to say.

'Cause I'd been in relationships where

I got cheated on, like, long ones.

I don't know if you've ever been in

a long relationship

where you got cheated on,

but it changes your whole worldview.

'Cause when I was a kid, I used

to watch America's Most Wanted.

You know how kids do.

And I would always think to myself,

"How could another person kill someone?

How could a human being

kill another human being?"

And then I got cheated on,

and I was like, "Oh, okay."

"I'm not gonna do it,

but I totally get it."

And I don't mean in that way of,

like, "No one else can have you."

I don't care about that.

It's just creepy to have an ex out

there after things have ended badly.

They have a lot of information.

Anyone who's seen my dick and

met my parents needs to die.

I can't have them roaming around.

I talked to a lot of people

before I got engaged, you know.

And I heard this expression about

whether or not you should get married.

This is an old expression. People say this.

They say, "Why buy the cow when

you can get the milk for free?"

You ever heard that before?

It's a bananas insulting expression...

to an entire gender.

But also, it makes no sense.

"Why buy the cow when you

can get the milk for free?"

You're not allowed to milk

a cow that you don't own.

That's not even a situation.

Was that a problem at one point?

Like, in the dairy community?

Was that happening a hundred

years ago in some village?

Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night

being like, "Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk."

And the farmer was like, "Well,

then, this is your cow now."

And he was like, "No,

no proof of purchase."

And he ran off into the night.

That sounded Dutch, right?

You know what that... you know

what that expression means?

It means, "Why would you marry a woman

if she's already having sex with you?"

Which has nothing to do with what

relationships are even like anymore.

Now, it's like, "Why buy the cow?"

Uh, maybe because, every day,

the cow asks you when

you're gonna buy it. And...

... you live in a really

small apartment with the cow,

so you can't avoid that question at all.

And also, the cow is way

better at arguing than you are.

And the cow grew up in a

family that knows how to argue.

"Why buy the cow?"

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