Jimmy Carr: Funny Business

Synopsis: A man, with an incredibly stupid laugh, tells jokes to an audience.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Sam Wrench
Actors: Jimmy Carr
62 min


Good evening, London.

You well?

-Yes!, Fabulous.

You are in very safe hands this evening.

I've been doing comedy now for, uh...

money and sex.

It's going very well.

I live in North London now,

and a guy came up to me

in the high street near where I live.

He was all excited.

He went...

"I didn't recognise you!"

I said, "Yeah, you did."

I should really have explained

when I walked on, as well,

I look like this because my dad is Irish

and my mum is Roger Federer.

Speaking of looks,

we were watching

proper BBC News the other day

and Liz Hurley came on the news.

Not like that, obviously.


But she was on the news.

She was promoting some new

TV show, and they did this thing.

They would only get away

with doing this on the news.

They put her age after her name.

So, it said,

"Liz Hurley, 50."

And my girlfriend turned to me and went,

"I hope I look that good when I'm 50."

I said, "You don't look that good now.

What do you think's gonna happen?

You're gonna get to 49 and invent

a time machine, are you? Best of luck."

Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

-You'd agree with that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I mean,

I don't wanna be crude...

Well, I do wanna be crude,

but not till later on.

I'll ease it in.

It's a gift. Um...

Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

Put it this way,

I would ride her like a stolen bike.

You look as if you may require

further clarification there, sir.

What I'm saying is,

I would crawl over broken glass

to suck the cock

of the last man that f***ed her.

We're all clear, we're all clear.

We're all caught up.

Ladies spend ages

getting ready for a night out.

Not all of them, obviously.

No, you were probably in a hurry.

Don't feel bad.

I was just randomly pointing down

to whoever's sat there.

So, that's... That is nothing

more than a happy coincidence.

Well, you're laughing,

but the eyes are f***ing daggers.

I'm in all kinds of trouble.

My girlfriend spends ages

getting ready for a night out.

I'm not sure

what she's getting ready for.

Disappointment is my best guess.

Nando's and a movie.

That's our classic date night.

And I love the cinema.

Don't get me wrong. Love the cinema.

My only issue with the cinema,

it's only a little thing,

but I get annoyed by the popcorn.

I think the popcorn in a cinema should

have a very clear warning label on it,

saying, "May contain nuts."

Because if you're with me,

it might.

"I know you said you wanted salty. Wait."

Because I've cut a hole

in the bottom of the container.

And I've sort of placed it there.

And I've shoved my genitals

through the hole.

And then when the lady I'm with

has reached in to get popcorn,

innocently enough,

she's touched my genitals,

and that's caused me to ejaculate.

And it's that ejaculate that's caused

the salty flavour you're so familiar with.

I'm happy to explain any

and all of these as we go through.

It's clearly a mixed-ability group.

Horror films.

Anyone else like horror films?


I like watching horror films

hiding behind the sofa,

'cause that way,

my neighbours don't know I'm there.

I like those black-and-white films

where no one says anything.

Interracial porn.

Don't panic.

I've checked, and that one's fine.


We had pretty bad flooding last year.

I saw a woman on the news,

in her flooded front room, crying.

I thought...

"Crying's not helping.

If anything,

you're making matters worse, luv."

See, the flooding was pretty serious.

We knew the flooding was serious

'cause it happened in London.

That's when you know it's serious.

It's not as bad when it happens

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Jimmy Carr

James Anthony Patrick Carr (born 15 September 1972) is a British stand-up comedian, presenter, writer, and actor who holds both British and Irish citizenship. He is known for his deadpan delivery, dark humour, and heckler interaction. Carr moved to a career in comedy in 2000.After becoming established as a stand-up comedian, Carr began to appear in a number of Channel 4 television shows, becoming the host of the panel show 8 Out of 10 Cats and also The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, a comedy panel show that airs each December to review the past year. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Jimmy Carr: Funny Business" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 19 Jun 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jimmy_carr:_funny_business_11302>.

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