Jim Jefferies: BARE

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Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

Mr. Jim Jefferies!

Hello!

Sit down, sit down, sit

down, sit down, sit down.

Thank you, Boston. I appreciate that.

Uh, that's very sweet of you.

Love you!

I'm at the end of the tour right now.

I'm very happy to be on tour

because I now have a child.

Ah, so...

any time out of home is good for me.

Um, I got my girlfriend pregnant

after knowing her for two months.

So...

Thank you. Thank you. Life decisions.

And she's a nice girl, and

I love her in a way, sure.

My problem with my girlfriend is,

she's very sweet, but she's

sh*t at telling stories,

and I'm awesome at telling stories,

so it really bothers me when she talks.

And I don't know if that'll

be a problem in the future,

but it's a problem now and I

don't see it getting better.

Um...

I'll give you an example, right?

I was in the car,

and my son Hank was

asleep in the back seat,

and we're driving along, and

on the radio comes Madonna,

and my girlfriend just

slips into conversation,

"Oh, I used to party with Madonna."

And I went, "You f***ing what, when?"

And she went, "I used

to party with Madonna."

Now, I should fill you

in a little bit on this.

My girlfriend used to be

a model in Miami, right?

I'm not bragging. I

didn't get the model years.

I didn't get those years.

I've seen the photos. Very impressive.

Um...

So, I said, "So you used

to party with Madonna.

Madonna used to have big parties

and invite models over, right?"

And she went, "No, no, it would

just be me and a few other people."

I go, "You need to elaborate

on this story right now."

And she goes, "Oh, okay, I used to

date the center for the Miami Heat."

As soon as you hear that

the mother of your child

used to date an NBA center,

even if this guy's even

slightly in proportion...

a lot of things flood through your head.

First thing is, "That's why

your c*nt's so f***ed up."

That's a big one.

"That's why our child came

out while you were walking.

I understand."

So she said, "I used to date

the center for the Miami Heat.

His best friend was Dennis Rodman.

Dennis Rodman used to go out with Madonna,

and we used to go over to Madonna's house."

And she goes, "This one time,

the four of us were

over at Madonna's house,

and we were all f***ed up on drugs,

and one thing led to another..."

And then I went, "Shut the f*** up!"

And she went, "What?"

I said, "I know what 'one

thing led to another' means!

You all started f***ing each other!"

And she went, "We did. We

started..." "Just shut up!"

And she goes, "What do you care for?"

I said, "You're the mother of my child!

I don't wanna picture you being

f***ed by a 7'2" NBA player

while you're licking out

Madonna's muscular vagina

and Dennis Rodman is in the corner

stroking his tattooed cock, going..."

And she goes, "Oh, you're being silly.

What do you care for?

You've partied way more

than I have in my life."

And I went, "That is not true.

I've gotten wasted way more than you have,

but I have, in no way,

partied way more than you have.

Often, I get wasted just by myself.

I wouldn't call it a party."

For most of my career, I was

a struggling comedian, right?

And this is how struggling

comedians party, right?

It's 5:
00 a.m., Monday, right?

We're in a one-bedroom apartment.

Seven of us are standing

around a coffee table,

trying to stretch out two grams of coke.

One of us is at the end of the

table giving conspiracy theories...

and the rest of us are talking

about where women might be.

One of us has come up with a plan.

The plan goes like this,

"Well...

nurses will be finishing their shift soon.

Maybe if we just stand

out the front of the ER,

they'll appreciate seven funny guys."

I don't... You know, I've

never partied like a model.

I have partied twice in my life. Twice.

Like, really partied.

I've had good nights out,

but I've really partied twice.

If you really party,

and most people never experience

this, it's an amazing thing.

It happens in Vegas. It

can only happen in Vegas,

and it's gotta involve celebrity, right?

I'm not famous,

but the people around me were super famous,

and I was at this party in the

night club, and they took me in.

And then there's the night club,

but then there's the real

night club out the back,

which is, like, the size of this

stage. It's only a little room.

And you go back there and you can just...

They encourage you to

take drugs in the open,

and you're just doing it off a key,

and they're going, "No, dude.

Use the table. Don't use your..."

And I go, "Oh, oh. Oh, sorry. Um..."

And it's confusing at first,

and then their security will drag women

off that other night club into your room.

Just bring 'em in like, "Huh?"

And you can do this. You can go...

"Uh..."

Like that.

And they'll drag these women away.

It is the best thing you'll

ever do with your life.

When you party that hard as a

man, there's a lot of remorse

'cause you have to tip

everyone a lot of money.

You wake up in the morning

with a terrible hangover,

and you go to your friends.

You go, "Oh, my God.

We partied so hard last

night. I spent $5,000."

When a hot girl parties that hard,

she wakes up in the morning and goes,

"Oh, my God.

We partied so hard last

night. I made $5,000."

And that's a vastly

different emotion that...

I don't think women

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