Jersey Shore Massacre

Synopsis: When Teresa and the girls leave their suburban New Jersey salon for a weekend of sun and sin down the shore, they are blindsided by a bizarre twist of events that catapult them from the sands of Seaside Heights to a secluded house deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. Frightened by stories of the legendary Jersey Devil, the local population of Pineys and a giant dim-witted neighbor, the girls eagerly return to Seaside Heights where they hook-up with five fist-pumping delinquents who incessantly disrespect all with their reprehensible behavior. As day turns to night, the group converges at a Seaside bar where they are soon ejected for inciting a dance-floor brawl. With nowhere else to go, the group retreats to the house in the Pine Barrens for a night of carnal delights. Blinded by their selfish pursuits, the group remains unaware that their long outstanding debt to humanity is about to be settled - with their lives. One by one, the body count soars as retribution is exacted at the hands
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Paul Tarnopol
Production: Attack Entertainment
Rotten Tomatoes:
88 min

I can't believe we gotta

do this sh*t, man.

This thing's been in the ground

three f***in' months.

You know what

it's gonna smell like?

Yeah, I know.

Stop bitching and let's

just get this thing outta here.

I remember about 10 years ago,

I had to do the same sh*t.

I almost died

from the f***ing stench.

Oh, God.


All right.

Let's do this.

Oh, f***.

I'm gonna break my neck

out here.

Hey, Danny.

How much further?

Not far--

just keep walking.

What the f***?

What is that?

Do you think some kind

of animal or something

could have did this?

How the f*** is an animal

gonna dig a hole like that?

Louie, gimme

that flashlight.



Come here.

Go down and see if there

is anything there.


Thank you.

Louie, help me out.

I'm not

a f***ing kangaroo.

There ain't nothing

down here.

And I don't

smell nothing neither.

Really, Carmine?

You don't smell

a rat down there?

Big "V" sends his regards.


Louie, Louie, Louie!

Let's bury the rat and just

get the f*** outta here.

I don't even know

where the f*** we are.

Why'd we have to come all

the way out here to do this?

We've been burying pricks

like this out here for years.

If these woods could only talk,

we'd all be in the can.

Who's over there?

Danny, look out!

Danny, no!


That is so pretty,

you're gonna look so hot.

Pull it down, you don't wanna

give away the milk for free.

It'll get so much

lighter with the sun.

You have such a nice butt,

like J.Lo.

Right here.

Can somebody

pick up the phone?

Why don't you answer

the phone, b*tch?

Don't you dare

call her b*tch.

I'll shove

this curling iron

right up your fat

f***ing ass, b*tch.

I'll get the phone.

A Touch of Class,

Teresa speaking.

Hold on... Ricardo.

It's for you.

He says that his name

is Monty.


Excuse me.

Who do you think you are,

calling me at work?

Oh, no, and don't

ever call me again!


Ay, Dios mio.

I like this outfit--

Who's Monty?

Oh, some pig I met

online last night.

We were chatting for just

10 minutes and he expects me

to drive to his place

at 1:
00 a.m.

I said, "No, you can't

just pick up the phone

"and send for me in

the middle of the night.

What do you think I am,

Pizza Slut?"

Mira, I have a picture

of the slob.


Is it the full Monty?

Yeah, that's the pig.

He's cute.

Should have

called me last night.

I deliver.

Listen, honey, unless

your pizza has pepperoni,

don't even bother

heating up your oven.

Come on, Dina.

I want to beat

the traffic.

All done.

Let me just

get my things.

Where the hell

are you two going?

Down the shore for a girls'

weekend of sun and sin.

Maybe the two of youse can

either drown

or get eaten by a shark and

make it a holiday for all of us.

Heh, or who knows?

Maybe we'll find a beached

whale and name her Christy.

Oh, sounds like fun.

And while you're

looking for Mr. Right,

Dina can sample all

the Mr. Right Nows.

You said it, not me.


I'm out of here.

I just kidding--

you know you fabulous.

You look so pretty.

You look so good.

I tell her that

every time.

It's like

a shelf up here.

They just hold up.

I don't know

how she does it.

I made it!




Oh, you're not

working today, Gigi.

You got that right.

Oh, chica, you too?

Wait, am I the only girl

not going?

Next time, we'll

invite you, I promise.

What am I gonna

do this weekend?


I don't know.

Maybe you should

ask Monty.

You get out of here,



Hello, Monty?

Yes, I'll taste

your chorizo.

Come on!

Come on, Gigi, let's go!

All right, Dina,

she's coming, she's coming.

Come on, Gigi, we want

to beat the traffic.

Okay, Seaside Heights,

here we come!

Michael, what are you

doing here?

I was just driving by, and I

saw your mother drop you off.

Where you going?

Not that it's any

of your business,

but I'm going down

the shore to see the girls.

Well, I might

be there too.

So maybe we should

all hook up.

That is so not happening,


I just don't want you

going down the shore

with a car

full of single girls.

Would you rather I go in

a car full of single guys?

Don't be stupid, Gigi,

you know you're still my girl.

Show me a little love.

It's not happening,


Now, go do something

with Tony and Fat Angelo,

and I'll call you

on Monday.

So it's like that?

Yeah, Michael,

it's exactly like that!

Yeah, it's like that.


What-- he's a dick.


Hey, f*** you,



f*** all youse!

You're gonna

regret this day, Gigi.

Remember I said that.

What's that

supposed to mean?

Means drop dead!

F*** off, Michael!

What the f***, Gigi?

I don't know.

I don't know what the f***

I'm doing anymore.

I mean, one minute, I think

I love him, and then the next,

I wanna knock

his f***ing head off

and throw it in the river.

Like right now?

Yes, I think so.

But he really is sweet,

though, don't youse think?

So are you single

or what?

Yeah, right now, I am.

You don't see no f***ing ring

on my finger, do you?

No, but if you really think

that there's a chance

for you and Michael,

don't go hooking up

with every guy

in New Jersey

just to prove to yourself

you're single.

F*** you, Dina!

No, no, no, no, no--

I'm with Gigi.

Until you're married, you

do whatever the hell you want

with whoever the hell

you want,

whenever the hell you want,

'cause guess what, Teresa?

Life's just

too f***in' short.

Okay... next topic.

When are the girls

meeting us down in Seaside?

Uh, Joanne said that she,

Candi, and Val left Brooklyn

almost an hour ago, and

that Val's cousin Rosemarie

can't make it

till tomorrow night.

So in other words, they could

have stopped for hot dogs.

Or they're banging three guidos

at a turnpike rest stop.


Oh, my God, speak

of the f***ing devil.

Almost f***ing

killed us.

Oh, my God.

You should have seen the old

man's face at the toll booth.

He was so funny, ha!

Put your tops back on

and follow us.

Yeah, Jersey Shore!

Are you sure this is

the right house, Dina?

Yeah, I'm f***in' sure.

Come on.


What do you think

you're doing here?

Excuse me?

This is our rental.

What are you

doing here?

Nice try, chonga.

This is our house,

so get the hell out.

Take your little

rat dog with you.

Who are you calling

chonga, bruja?

Don't be scared, Pico.

I won't let her

eat you.

I'm calling

all of youse chonga.

And I'm calling the owner

right now.

You no have to call, okay?

He lives right there,

and I just gave him our check.



We'll see about that.



Hello there, ladies.

I'm Ronnie-- what can

I do you for?

Yeah, Ronnie, we spoke

on the phone a month ago

to confirm our reservation

for the house this weekend.

Oh, yeah!

Your friend just gave me

a check, so we're cool.

Romero, right?

No... Romano.

Dina Romano,

you idiot.


You're not all together?

Uh, give me a minute.

Don't go away--

hold on, just wait.

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Paul Tarnopol

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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