Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin?
- Year:
- 2017
- 69 min
- 36 Views
1
[audience cheering and applauding]
Hello. I should use a microphone, really.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
[mimics crying]
[audience cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was the perfect amount of applause.
I didn't have to stand here
too awkwardly long.
Thank you for coming. I am Jen.
If you didn't know, maybe you wandered in,
now you're having a fun time with me.
- Um...
- [audience laughs]
It has been brought to my attention
by doctors,
some codependent yoga teachers,
and everyone who's ever met me
that I am high strung.
And... it's been suggested...
that therapy isn't enough,
that I need to meditate.
And so, now,
I am one of these people who meditates.
And by "I meditate,"
I mean, "I do not ever meditate."
- But...
- [audience laughs]
I have a meditation playlist,
some gongs going, "gong, gong."
I've got apps, I think about meditation.
I have a meditation chair
in my living room.
You have one, too.
It's just a f***ing chair.
- But...
- [audience laughs]
I put a candle next to it
and I call it my meditation chair, yeah.
And when you come over,
I point out to you,
"Oh, don't mind that, that just, um...
That's my meditation chair, yeah.
and I think about doing it and I don't.
I get up and I... sit in it
and take a few deep breaths.
Don't be intimidated, you can sit in it
if you want. Yeah, it's not...
Not everyone's
on the same spiritual plane,
but we don't have any rules
in this... happy home
with the chair and the...
Don't worry about why the candle
has never been lit, just..."
[audience laughs]
But this one day, I did meditate
because I had an important thing to do.
I wanted to get a job.
I wanted to write
and I wanted someone to pay me for it.
I wanted to have interview
and I wanted to get it.
So, that being said,
there were a little nerves in the morning.
I thought
maybe I'll try this meditation thing
that everyone is talking about.
And I did about five minutes
of meditation.
And if you're not impressed with that,
then you've never meditated.
[audience laughs]
Because after five seconds, you're like,
"Why did the Lord stop time?"
[audience laughs]
Five minutes is a long time
to clear your mind of things and I did it.
And I woke up and came out of it
and I was like:
"Oh, I get what everyone's talking about.
I feel... so...
Like, I could handle anything.
If I didn't have to leave the house today,
I could really handle anything."
But I did have to leave the house.
And so, I got in my car
and I'm driving
in the Los Angeles 9 a.m. traffic.
When I saw the green light,
I was like, "Green's pretty."
And I was trying to figure out
what green meant, like, on a deeper level.
[audience laughs]
And I'm like,
"Green, what can that tell me?"
And I didn't realize in that moment,
all I needed to know about green
is it means f***ing go.
And so, I'm, "Green,"
and I start to slow down.
are starting to lose it
because they are late for work.
And so they're just, "beep!"
and they're honking and their horns,
and I'm like, "Oh, now it's yellow.
Oh, red. Oh, that was fun."
And I realized... I'm stopped
at the red light, which is normal,
but I really stopped at the green light.
And then I realized, "Oh, my God, I...
That could've made the difference
between them being early and being late.
I see him in my rear-view mirror.
And I just... I feel so calm, though,
because I meditated. Yeah, so...
[audience laughs]
I just turned and give him a wave
that just says like, "I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry you think
you're late for work, but...
[audience laughs]
you don't know what I know.
[audience laughs]
- There is no time, so, yeah."
- [audience laughs]
I'm even embarrassed to say
that I heard his horn.
That's not very meditation of me.
What is a sound, right? That's...
[audience laughs]
That's just the meaning
I placed on it, right?
I could've heard anything.
I could've heard butterflies eating candy.
So... I'm driving,
feeling really good about myself,
and just, like... Just so much better
than everyone else that's so mad.
And that's what meditation's for,
is to feel superior to others.
- So...
- [audience laughs]
I turned the corner
and we go to the next stoplight...
and I pull up to it and so does the guy
behind me that was all pissed.
And I've got the sunroof open,
the windows down.
I'm just happy as can be.
Again, did I mention
I had meditated that morning?
And the guy next to me,
typical what you think of Los Angeles
if you've never been.
Producer-looking guy,
kind of chomping on his cigar,
bald, kind of chubby, in his red BMW,
probably 50, two divorces.
And he's sitting there
and he is pissed at me.
And he's in his car...
and he just looks over and goes,
"Hey, dumbass,
what were you doing at that light?"
And I'm just sitting in my car like:
"I meditated today.
[audience laughs]
Can't get angry.
What would it be like to kill him?
[audience laughs]
So, he yells again, "Hey, dumbass,
what were you doing at that light?
Texting your boyfriend?"
That one got me.
[audience laughs]
Because I didn't have a boyfriend
[audience laughs]
Then I got pissed. I'm like,
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"Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin?" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 18 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jen_kirkman:_just_keep_livin_11228>.
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