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Storm clouds gather, darkness prowls, the moon shines full as specters howl. This scary house, this lonely road, revenge is coming, and best served cold. Revenge on Jeff, who plays with dolls. Revenge on Walter, who moans and scowls. Peanut, Jose, shall know their place,
with Jeff Dunham.
Thank you, Savannah! Well, this is just awesome.
I've done the specials, but I wanted something...
And everybody went... So, you know the answer.
I was an only child. And remember the... Some of you may remember the cars back then. The American automobiles were these huge, giant things. We didn't have seat belts, there were no kid seats. I was an only kid
The back window, you could lay in the back window.
you know what I'm saying? Looks like that. She also has
all over her hair. And I remember standing in the backseat, and I would look at her hair, this big, giant beehive of hairdo, all held together with Aqua Net. And these big, giant curlers would make these holes, what looked like caves to me. I imagined they were a maze
on the seat of the car, and, oh, there's a little rubber,
plastic spider, a black spider. This is all true. I took that black spider, and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls. Fantastic, looked great. I'm sitting there, looking at it, and I thought, "No, that's not good enough." I found a pencil. I took the pencil... She's not paying any attention.
Four days later... I am not kidding. Four days later...
combing out her hair. The blood-curdling scream
that came when that spider fell out onto her lap
when she was a little kid, she was a master
at scaring people. And when you're scared,
out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and Blah! I was like Wah! And I wasn't a flight. I didn't scream like a girl and run away. I started punching. The worst was when I was upstairs in the master bathroom. I was cleaning a toilet. I had the plunger; I was plunging the toilet. I got finished, I was walking down the hall, middle of the night like this. She jumped out of nowhere. My first reaction was like, "Whoa-oh-oh!" And she's like, "Yay! Dad almost killed me with a plunger. Whoo-hoo!"
and grab my legs... I'd be, like... She eventually learned
is a fun thing to do as well. And one of our
Roadie is a five-pound miniature pinscher.
do anything to you. You know those... candy bowls at Halloween that have the... hand. .. Don't get ahead of me here. That have the little rubber hand that sticks up, when you reach in to get the candy, it goes... like this.
That is not a candy bowl, that is a dog bowl. Oh, yeah.
I'm, like, "Girls, watch this. This is genius!" They're, like,
right in front of the hand. I put the bowl on the ground.
Roadie comes running in. They're, like, "Dad," they're, like, "Dad." Oh, my gosh, this is hilarious!" I'm, like, "Shut up, here she comes." Roadie comes running in. She's, like, "Oh, look, there's a hamburger in the bowl!" She puts her head in the bowl. Back of the head! Roadie's looking around, like, "What the hell? Who hit me?
to get the frickin hamburger. Unfortunately, dogs learn.
To this day, Roadie will not eat or drink out of a bowl that she's never met. Until she does her little Army crawl. She'll be like this. It's sad, I know. But... I let Roadie get back at people after that happened to her. This past Halloween, I got a shark outfit for Roadie. We were shooting a television show. I had a dressing room.
around the corner, and I would go, "Roadie, sic 'em!"
She'd run in the hallway... come back in. People are, like,
two fins out the back, a thing in the tail,
what it is that's frightening you and you calm down immediately. It's like, "Aah! Oh. Ha-ha, that's really funny." When something comes around the corner at you that your brain can't recognize... especially when it looks likes some sort of odd reptilian prehistoric thing,
some family just giving up on him and giving him to the shelter. We didn't know why it was. We named him Buddy. And, uh, he's a Jack Russell terrier. It took us about a half a day to figure out why some other family
gave up on Buddy. Buddy's an idiot. He's like, bark, bark, bark, bark, run, run, run, run, bark, bark, bark, bark.
This dog would not stop barking. He's nuts. He's a sweet dog, but he's freaking nuts. So we went to the dog trainer, we said, "What do we do?" The dog trainer said, "I have two ways of taking care of a barking dog.
You have to teach... work with the dog."
I'm like, "Fantastic. What do you do? She goes, Well, one
"because they eventually like the water
She said, "You got to mix about 40% of Listerine
with the water." I'm like, "Oh, that's awful."
She goes, "No, no, it doesn't really hurt them.
I'm like, Okay, Listerine in the water. Got it." She said, The other way, I have this electronic collar. And it's not a mean thing... it's not a shocking collar." She goes, It's a new thing. It's an electronic thing. When the dog barks,
So, eventually, they learn... they learn not to bark."
I'm like, Okay, send us the collar. Fantastic. We'll try that." "Okay, great." So we put the collar on Buddy,
okay, don't like that. One day, Buddy was having
a really bad day. It was raining outside. He wouldn't stop barking. Anything that moved in the backyard, he would bark at. I'm spraying with the bottle. I'm trying to get stuff done. He's barking, he's bugging the heck out of me,
and I'm spraying, I'm spraying him. He's barking, he's barking. By the end of the day, this poor dog smelled like he was from the dentist's office. His hair was completely matted. His eyes were bloodshot. He looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot. That's what he looked like. And then the really sad part was he barked so much that day, the battery on the collar had worn down, and now the timing was completely off. But by the end of the day, he had learned. He's a smart dog, and I swear to God,
by the end of the day, this is what he was doing.
and bug the heck out of the dog, and you can't catch him. Run, run, run, run, bark, bark, bark, bark.
But my fiance... her name is Audrey... she came up with something that was a brilliant idea. She would go out in the backyard when Buddy was barking and chasing the squirrel, and she'd stand right next to the fence and look up like she's trying to find the squirrel, too.
Buddy's smart. He would run up to her and go, "Oh,
you're trying to help me. Where's the squirrel?"
She'd reach down and go, You idiot. I got you. You're done. All right." All right. Now, I'm watching this thinking the dog's smart. He's going to learn after about four or five times that, "No, this is stupid. I can't run next to her. She's just trying to catch me." I thought, "I'll get in on the act a little more. I did the same thing, but when I picked him up, I thought, I'm going to be part of the team."
And then he'd look over and look in the other yard.
Like, we're still a few feet down. I'd pick him up,
he'd do it again. Look, look, look. Eventually, he thought
that's working pretty well." She goes, "Yeah, it's working great." I go, Wonder what that looks like from the other side of the fence." Sure enough, honest to God, couple days later, get a phone call. "Hi, uh... Jeff, this is Bob from next door. "Hey, Bob. What's going on?" Um, I... I don't know how to say this, but, um... "my wife says that your dog is spying on her in the backyard." I'm like, "What are you talking about, Bob?" He goes, Well, I-I didn't believe her, "but yesterday, I'm out in the backyard watering the lawn, and sure enough, son of a *****... your dog is peering over the fence." I don't know how he does it, but then he lowered himself back down." I go, "Yeah, Bob."
I'm like, "Okay, Bob. I'll have a talk with Buddy."
but he's not good at it yet." I said, Bob, what are you
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Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Jeff Dunham: Minding The Monsters" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 6 Feb. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jeff_dunham:_minding_the_monsters_11219>.