Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity

Walter:
All those kids and their hipping and their hopping.

Pull up your damn pants, you morons!

Jeff:
Second Comedy Central special, it's gonna be great!

No, Mommy. I don't want to wear the pink bow.

Peanut:
He even does this in his sleep. What a freak!

"Would you idiots give it a rest?"

Jose:
Would you like to see my stick?

JEFF DUNHAM:

SPARK OF INSANITY

Jeff:
Thank you! Thank you. Are you doing alright? Thank you. Thank you so much. Alright. Thank you. Thank you so much. Well you can't fool me. I know every bit of that it's all for the little guys in the suitcase. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. This is such a pleasure. Before we start, I must say it is a true honor to be in this theater with you people, in the capital of the greatest country in the world the United States of America.

And driving around the city the last couple of days I couldn't help but realize that here in D.C., just like everywhere else in the country gas prices suck! My wife and I live in L.A., and not long ago we were the proud owners of 2 big giant SUVs. We decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing. We got rid of one of the big, giant SUVs and got a Prius. I don't know why you're laughing, it's a great vehicle. You jump on the freeway and punch it, it goes: When you can drive

underneath an 18- wheeler and go: "That's really dirty",

and drive back out... That is just too damned small.

It's cool at the gas pump. On one tank you've driven 2 or 3000 miles. You fill up and go: "Oh, all done! I'll be damned." "10 cents? That's amazing!" I'm not used to a vehicle like this. I've had big trucks and SUVs. The one vehicle I refuse to get rid of, I've had it for 10 years.

I love this thing. I've taken good care of it. It's not politically correct to drive it. I don't care. H-1 Hummer. The real one, the big one, the military version.

I love this thing. It has a 38- gallon tank.

Gets 7 miles to the gallon.

Diesel, where I live, at its peak was $3.84 per gallon.

Yeah. I went to fill it up that week, it wasn't even empty.

It cost me a hundred forty-eight dollars. I pushed the vehicle home. As I rolled it into the driveway, I told my kids: "Girls, look at our new front yard ornament."

"Get in the Prius."

"You suck, Dad!"

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

During the holidays last year, we took the Hummer in for maintenance. Then we were driving home and my wife is behind me in the Hummer. I'm in front driving the Prius.

I was tricked somehow. I don't know how that happened.

She calls me on the cellphone, and she's laughing. Let me explain why. Our Prius is not a black Prius. It's not a red Prius, it's a blue Prius. But not really blue. It's more of a... blue... Prius. It's pretty. Sparkly! I did that a little too well, didn't I? While I'm driving, I'm holding in my

arm, my wife's 3- pound Chihuahua. You have to hold it while you drive or it'll fall down between the seats.

"Where the hell is this dog? Oh, there you are!"

"Let me put down the parking brake, that'll hold you, you bastard." "I've got to shift... Oh!" "That was your head? I'm sorry. I thought it was the shifty thingy."

"Same size. Leather, fur, I don't know the difference."

"I thought I was grinding the gears." Thanks for laughing at that. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night. That morning, I don't know why I didn't see it, my children had taken vinyl window holiday decorations, and put them all over the back window of the Prius. Christmas trees, Santa Claus. Snowflakes. It was so pretty. My wife calls me, laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?"

"Can you see yourself?" "You're driving a powder blue Prius, holding a 3- pound Chihuahua." "There's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car."

"And you make a living with dolls. You're gay!" - Click.

And I'm like, "Bitch!" - click.

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