JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It

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- [Laughs]

I knew you'd show up.

You wanted to know

how I dooz it, right?

Ha ha! I'm letting you know,

right, how I dooz it.

A slice of "I dooz it" pie.

You know what "I dooz it" pie

consists of?

Nothing. Ain't nothing

in a "dooz it" pie,

'cause I don't know how to make

no damn pie.

If I made a pie, wouldn't have

nothing in there but dooz it!

[Laughs]

That's how I dooz it, baby.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

J.B. Smoove!

[Hip-hop music]

- That's how I dooz it,

yo, baby, I'm gangster slick

That's how I dooz it

- Y'all ain't ready

for this right here.

Rewind that!

[Tape rewinding rapidly]

[Hip-hop music repeats]

What up?

- That's how I dooz it,

yo, baby, I'm gangster slick

That's how I dooz it,

comin' with that gangster sh*t

- That's how I dooz it!

Come on, y'all, come on!

That's how I dooz it.

- Say my name

- That's how I dooz it.

- You can tell by the swag

- That's how I dooz it.

Come on, y'all, come on.

That's how I dooz it.

Yo, bounce that.

Bounce that, playboy.

Come on, bounce that.

Black man,

do it, black man.

Oh!

That's how I dooz it.

- That's how I dooz it

That's how I dooz it

That's how I dooz it

That's how I do...

- Ooh, shoot.

[Sighs]

Oh.

Oh, my God.

You feel that, playboy?

Let me tell you something.

Don't you ever let a white man

out-black you, playboy, ever.

Next time I see a white man

out-black you,

I'ma cuss your ass out.

White folks in here

giving it up like this.

You was like this.

[Laughs]

Oh, that's my jam right there.

That's how I dooz it!

You can have a baby

to that damn song, you hear me?

Play it again.

Play it again.

[Hip-hop music]

Oh, shoot!

What?

Boy, you see that black man

come out that white lady?

You saw that?

What he doing up in her?

Oh, you get amped like that,

you want to slap the sh*t

out of somebody.

Play it again. Play it again.

[Hip-hop music]

What's wrong with your ass?

[music stops]

Whoo!

Use that damn song

for any slapping occasion.

[Knocking]

Who is it?

[Lady's voice] Hello, young man.

I'm from a Jehovah's Witness.

[Normal voice]

Play that sh*t again.

[Hip-hop music]

Shut your old ass up!

Ugh!

Pick up all these

Goddamn pamphlets.

All this sh*t!

Too early for this.

Too early for this.

I don't care how you got here.

Boy, that damn song

come on the radio,

it don't matter

what the hell you driving.

You could be riding

a damn stagecoach...

being chased by the police.

You think your ass

can get away.

Play it again.

[Hip-hop music]

- That's how I dooz it,

yo, baby, I'm gangster slick

That's how I dooz it,

comin' with that gangster sh*t

That's how I dooz it,

y'all better grip with this

That's how I dooz it

[music stops]

- [Laughs]

Oh.

Oh, God.

Whoo!

You old school, playboy.

Look at you, boy!

Whoo!

With the DMC glasses on.

Right?

Whoo!

I'm old school too, playboy.

I quit my last job

like Run-DMC.

Like Rev Run,

I was like, "I'm out of here!"

"I'm out of here."

Oh, that damn song.

I almost came that time.

Whoo!

I'ma mess my new pants up.

New jeans, you know what I mean?

I almost came that time.

I get so excited,

you know what I mean?

I almost came in my new pants,

you know what I mean?

I was going to return these

pants to the store tomorrow,

you know what I mean?

That's how I dooz it,

you know what I'm saying?

I wear them out,

take them back to the store,

and return them, man, right?

They give you a hard time

you try to return some jeans

with cum inside of them,

you know what I mean?

All these damn questions.

"Uh, sir, there's white stuff

inside these pants."

"You're damn right there's white

stuff inside those damn pants.

"I'm not going

to wear them again.

"Fold them up, put them

back on the damn shelf.

Too many damn questions

right now."

Believe me,

I'm a big-time comer,

hear me?

She peeked inside

them damn pants,

said "God damn!"

They call me "big-time comer."

That's how I come.

That's how I come.

Like that,

that's how I come.

I come sideways.

I don't give a damn... sideways.

I come on your ankle, all over

your ankle, all over your ankle.

It's like that silly string.

Come out like silly string.

You invite my ass

to your party,

boy, I'll jack your party up.

I'll come in that damn party,

come on your friends.

Like, "Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

"He's a a**hole.

He's getting cum on everybody.

"Who invited this guy?

"He's getting cum

on everybody's face.

He's an a**hole!"

[Cheers and applause]

All you guys got

that weak-ass cum.

I can tell by your face

right now.

You got that weak-ass cum.

Yeah, you got

that weak-ass cum.

And you got

that weak-ass cum.

[Whispering]

Got that weak-ass cum.

[Normal voice]

You finish tapping that ass,

your cum just break by itself.

Weak-ass cum!

My cum like a jump rope.

My sh*t's strong like this.

Got that power line...

Like power line.

My sh*t's cum... it's strong!

When I finish coming,

I got to cut my sh*t

with a pair of scissors.

Thank you, girlfriend,

for the piece of ass.

Just let me cut

this damn cum.

Now roll it up.

Make it nice and neat.

Got to roll it up like that.

The ladies do not like

tangled-up cum.

You got to hang your cum up

nice and neatly.

See that?

You hang it up.

Oh.

I love being back

in my city, man.

Whoo.

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, I live in L.A. Now, man.

Oh, man.

L.A. Got a lot

of good-looking people, man.

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