Jane Austen's Mafia!

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[Man Narrating]

Life's an enigma, a puzzle...

a confusing struggle

between right and wrong,

good and evil, truth and deceit.

You could drive yourself crazy

trying to figure it out.

But I know one thing for sure:

You're just buying someone else's

headaches when you get a used car.

## [Choir]

[Blowing Raspberry]

[Cheerleaders]

Stop that run! Stop that run!

[Mooing]

## [Choir Continues]

[Screaming]

# Night and day #

# You are the one #

# Only you beneath the moon #

[Man Narrating]

Before I got myself blown up,

Anthony Cortino was one of

the most powerful men in Las Vegas.

I ran the Peppermill... the flashiest,

most profitable casino in Nevada.

Hey, Barry. Keep the car.

[Anthony Narrating]

I drove the hottest cars,

hung out with the biggest stars,

- dated the sexiest babes...

- Watch your head.

I was set.

- # Night and day #

- [Crowd, Groaning]

- # Why is it so #

- I had created paradise on earth,

and all because I ate, slept

and breathed gambling.

Hi.

- Loser. Seven out.

- Stack 'em right.

I was a gambler's gambler...

a guaranteed winner.

- That's just the way it was.

- Go fish.

The Peppermill meant cash. The money was

comin' in so fast, we couldn't count it.

Watch these guys.

I think they're stealin' towels.

And it all went right

to the Family, tax-free.

- Back to yellow. You lose.

- [Crowd Groans]

High rollers, slot junkies,

vacationers from the Midwest...

all came certain they could win,

that this was their shot at a miracle.

- Place your bets.

- It's all been arranged just

for us to get your money.

Let me see, uh, two.

That's the truth about Las Vegas.

I'm sorry, I was thinking of... three.

- [Groaning]

- The Mafia is a high-overhead machine...

and somebody's gotta pick up the tab.

- House wins.

Place your bets and guess again.

- Three.

To the bosses, I was a cash register.

All they had to do was to ring

the bell and take the money.

- One, two, three, four,

and back down the chute...

- [Groaning]

Fixed fights, doped horses,

locked-in point spreads...

- I had the cake pouring in.

- [Man] Come on, baby!

But nothing brought it in faster,

and in bigger bundles, than the casino.

- [Man] I got these. You got those?

- [Man #2] I'll get those!

- [Man #2] Yeah, you get these.

All right, I got these.

- [Man] Over here.

This was the end result of all

the bright lights and glitter:

Booze, broads, and free hotel

suites for the high roller,

cheap drinks and all-you-can-eat

buffets for the everyday sucker.

The smart ones

just send us the money...

- and save on plane fare.

- # I think of you #

# Day and night #

# I said, night and day #

# Under the hide of me #

All right, move 'em out.

Let's go.

# Oh, such a hunger yearning

It's burnin' inside of me #

[Anthony] If we had our own printing

press, we couldn't have done any better.

I made the Mafia happy, and the bosses

knew just how to spread the influence.

But life is an enigma.

I never planned for any of this.

And I'll lay you eight-to-five,

when he was a kid back in Sicily,

my father, Vincenzo Cortino,

- never thought his life would

turn out the way it did either.

- # Night and day ##

[Sheep Bleating]

- [Horse Neighing, Banging]

- [Man] Vincenzo!

- [Speaking In Italian]

- [Grunting]

- Scusi.

- [Grunting, Yelling]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Horn Honks]

Oops!

[Screams]

[Crashing, Clattering]

## [Tango Orchestra]

## [Tango]

[Creaking]

[Gulps]

## [Tango Continues]

[Scratching, Music Stops]

## [Tango Continues]

## [Scratching, Hip-Hop Style]

[Vicious Growling, Fierce Bleating]

- [Gasping]

- [Bleating]

[Snorting]

[Moaning]

Wow, the colors. Great sh*t.

[Sniffing]

- [Men Chattering Urgently]

- [Bleating]

[Grunts]

[Bleating Angrily]

["Tree" Groaning]

## [Penny Whistle]

[Man]

Popo! Popo Gigio!

The categories are:

The Chinese Theater,

Female Firsts...

[Popping, Admiring Cries]

- [Speaking Italian]

- [Speaking Italian]

- Yoo-hoo!

- [Laughing]

- [Farting]

- Scusi.

- Mama.

- Eh.

[Screaming]

Vincenzo!

- [Squishing]

- [Groaning]

[Bell Tolling]

[Braying Softly]

[Squishing]

[Farting]

[Italian]

[Ship's Horn Blasts]

[Grunts]

- Tomasino!

- Vino!

- Stupidoni!

[Screaming]

[Ship's Horn Blasts]

[Gasping]

[Gasping, Wheezing]

[Gasping, Wheezing Continue]

- [Chattering]

- [Man] Documents, please.

[Man On Public Address]

The white zone is for white people only.

[Man]

That's right, one at a time.

Paper, please.

- [Man] Move along, sir.

- [Indian] But we had reservations!

Next? Name.

What's your name, boy?

- Armani Windbreaker.

- Cortino.

Fine. Read this.

Stand over there. Next?

[Man]

Clamato!

Dominick Clamato.

I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato.

Sweat-a shop. Slave wages.

[Policeman]

I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato.

Don't say nothin'.

Gun.

- Where is your family?

- Family?

No. Alone.

- That is so sad.

- But when I close my eyes tight,

I can picture them here.

Wh-When you squeeze your eyes closed,

do you see lots of things, uh...

como se dice...

uh, rectangles?

No. All I ever see are

those long, floaty things.

Ah, eye worms. In Sicily,

the peasants used to get them...

by eating raw pork

and then rubbing their eyes.

Once the worms get

inside your eyeball,

it's just a matter of days before

they eat their way into your brain.

Then, you sh*t yourself

and die in a most embarrassing way.

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