Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

Synopsis:
Year:
2013
111 Views

Law offices.

You know what I want to

be when I grow up?

- What?

- A fisherman.

I want to go fishing

every day till I'm rich

so I can move right

next door to the jailhouse,

so I can be close to my mommy.

She got arrested for drugs

again, so she has to go back.

I'm sorry to hear that.

My mommy's breath smells so bad

'cause she smokes

so much crack.

What do you think?

What do I think? About what?

My mommy's bad breath.

Maybe it'll get better.

Thank you. That helps.

Yeah. Yeah! Thanks

for nothing, Derek.

What is

the matter with you, Kimmie?

All right, come on. We got to

go see your grandpa.

Not Grandpa. He's a kook!

Oh, my goodness.

You are limber!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Phew.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Ooh, well, hello!

I think I know her.

Mmm...

Mr. Zisman?

Mr. Zisman.

- Mr. Zisman!

- Hmm?

Hi.

I'm, uh, afraid I have

some bad news.

Your wife, she took a turn

for the worse last night

and, um, she passed away.

I'm so sorry.

Oh!

I thought she'd never die.

I'm going to let

you process this,

and, uh, I'll be back in

just a moment, okay?

Thank you. Thank you, Doc!

Don't get me wrong, I'm upset,

but she was a crabby old bat.

Well, I'm sorry for your loss.

She hadn't given me any nookie

since the '90s.

And then it was

only out of spite.

She's in a much better place.

And I'm in a much better place.

Did you hear that, Leroy?

We're free!

I'm free.

Hello, lady.

Thanks a lot.

Ooh.

All right.

Shit!

Oh.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Miss.

Sir, can you help me?

Can you help me, sir?

I don't expect

you to understand,

but I have my penis

stuck to the soda machine.

Gabriel! I'm stuck.

What's wrong?

My penis is

stuck in the machine!

Gabriel! Help me!

Help me! Ah! Gabriel!

Gabriel!

Sir. Could you help me, sir?

Please don't announce it!

It's f*cking embarrassing!

Can you help me

instead of announcing?

Please! It's not funny!

It's not funny!

Help! Give me a hand!

- Could you help me?

- What you want?

I'm in a bad situation.

I gotta get unstuck!

Can you help?

Jiggle my shoulders.

Jiggle my shoulders.

Ow! Ow!

- Nothing I can do.

- Jiggle my...

Jiggle! Ow! Ow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh! He's trying

to rip that dick out!

Oh, no!

- Stop!

- Stop, man!

Sir?

Don't... It's not going

to come out.

Don't! Quit pulling on it.

I got to get...

Oh, God!

Ah!

Push! Push!

God! Push! Push!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

You looking for something?

Yes, ma'am,

I'm looking for a suit.

Okay.

Wow, what's your name?

- Judy.

- Judy...

- Nice to meet you.

- ...you are so beautiful.

- Thank you.

- Oh, my goodness.

My wife just passed away.

I'm sorry.

That's all right. It wasn't the

greatest marriage anyway, Judy.

That's why I'm gonna take a

little me time now, Judy.

- And have some fun.

- Uh-huh. See?

By fun, I mean

banging the gong.

I might be too old

to fry the rice,

but I can still chop the

suey, that's for sure.

How long does it

take to do alterations?

Um... Do you

need a hurry?

Uh, the funeral's tomorrow.

Oh. Do you need a tie?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, what color

the tie you likey?

Uh, I likey any color.

You pick one out for me.

Well... How about

that one right there?

Uh... Which one?

You mean this one?

- Right there. Yes.

- That looks like it's green.

- Oh, that's very nice.

- Yeah. Okay?

- How much is that shirt?

- Sixty-five.

- That's a lot of scratch.

- Forty per cent.

- Forty per cent.

- That's a lot of scratch.

- So, forty per cent.

- Yeah.

Is that a squirrel right there?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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"Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 13 Oct. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jackass_presents%3A_bad_grandpa_11126>.

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